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MISCELLANEOUS ESSAYS,

(ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN 1765.)

THE PREFACE.

have been objected to the following Essays, and it

must be owned in some measure that the charge The following Essays have already appeared at is true. However, I could have made them more different times, and in different publications. The

metaphysical had I thought fit; but I would ask, pamphlets in which they were inserted being gen. whether, in a short Essay, it is not necessary to be erally unsuccessful, these shared the common fate, superficial ? Before we have prepared to enter without assisting the bookseller's aims, or extend- into the depths of a subject in the usual forms, we ing the writer's reputation. The public were too have arrived at the bottom of our scanty page, and strenuously employed with their own follies to be thus lose the honours of a victory by too tedious a assiduous in estimating mine ; so that many of my preparation for the combat. best attempts in this way have fallen victims to the

There is another fault in this collection of tritransient topic of the times—the Ghost in Cock- fles, which, I fear, will not be so easily pardoned. lane, or the siege of Ticonderoga.

It will be alleged, that the humour of them (if any But though they have passed pretty silently in be found) is stale and hackneyed. This may be to the world, I can by no means complain of their true enough, as matters now stand; but I may circulation. The magazines and papers of the with great truth assert, that the humour was new day have indeed been liberal enough in this re- when I wrote it. Since that time, indeed, many spect. Most of these essays have been regularly of the topics, which were first stated here, have reprinted twice or thrice a year, and conveyed to been hunted down, and many of the thoughts the public through the kennel of some engaging blown upon. In fact, these Essays were considercompilation. If there be a pride in multiplied edi-ed as quietly laid in the grave of oblivion ; and our tions, I have seen some of my labours sixteen modern compilers, like sextons and executioners, tiipes reprinted, and claimed by different parents think it their undoubted right to pillage the dead. as their own. I have seen them flourished at the

However, whatever right I have to complain of beginning with praise, and signed at the end with the public, they can, as yet

, have no just reason to the names of Philautos, Philalethis, Phileleutheros, complain of me. If I have written dull Essays. and Philanthropos. These gentlemen have kindly they have hitherto treated them as dull Essays. stood sponsors to my productions, and, to flatter Thus far we are at least opon par, and until they the more, have always passed them as their own. think fit to make me their humble debtor by praise,

It is time, however, at last to vindicate my I am resolved not to lose a single inch of my selfclaims; and as these entertainers of the public, as

importance. Instead, therefore, of attempting to they call themselves, have partly lived upon me for establish a credit amongst them, it will perhaps be some years, let ne now try if I can not live a little wiser to apply to some more distant correspondent; upon myself. I would desire, in this case, to imi. and as my drafts are in some danger of being protate that fat man whom I have somewhere heard tested at home, it may not be imprudent, upon this of in a shipwreck, who, when the sailors, pressed occasion, to draw my bills upon Posterity. by famine, were taking slices from his posteriors to satisfy their hunger insisted, with great justice, on

MR. POSTERITY, having the first cut for himself.

Yet, after all, I can not be angry with any who have Sir, taken it into their heads, to think that whatever I

Nine hundred and ninety-nine years write is worth reprinting, particularly when I consid- after sight hereof, pay the bearer, or order, a thouer how great a majority will think it scarcely worth sand pounds worth of praise, free from all deducreading. Trifling and superficial are terms of re. tions whatsoever, it being a commodity that will proach that are easily objected, and that carry an then be very serviceable to him, and place it to the air of penetration in the observer. These faults, aceount of, etc.

something touched off to a nicety, for Mr. SprigESSAY I.

gins was going to give us Mad Tom in all its glo

ry. Mr. Spriggins endeavoured to excuse himself; I REMEMBER to have read in some philosopher for as he was to act a madman and a king, it was (I believe in Tom Brown's works), that, let a impossible to go through the part properly without man's character, sentiments, or complexion be a crown and chains. His excuses were overruled what they will, he can find company in London to by a great majority, and with much vociferation. match them. If he be splenetic, he may every The president ordered up the jack-chain, and inday meet companions on the seats in St. James's stead of a crown, our performer covered his brows Park, with whose groans he may mix his own, with an inverted jorden. After he had rattled his and pathetically talk of the weather. If he be pas- chain, and shook his head, to the great delight of sionate, he may vent his rage among the old ora- the whole company, he began his song. As? tors at Slaughter's Coffee-house, and damn the have heard few young fellows offer to sing in comnation because it keeps him from starving. If he pany, that did not expose themselves, it was no be phlegmatic, he may sit in silence at the hum- great disappointment to me to find Mr. Spriggins drum club in Ivy-lane; and, if actually mad, he among the number; however, not to seem an oud may find very good company in Moorfields, either fish, I rose from my seat in rapture, cried out, at Bedlam or the Foundry, ready to cultivate a bravo! encore ! and slapped the table as loud as nearer acquaintance.

any of the rest. But, although such as have a knowledge of the The gentleman who sat next me seemed highly town may easily class themselves with tempers pleased with my taste and the ardour of my apcongenial to their own, a countryman, who comes probation ; and whispering told me that I had sufto live in London, finds nothing more difficult. fered an immense loss, for had I come a few miWith regard to myself, none ever tried with more nutes suoner, I might have heard Gee ho Dobbin Assiduity, or came off with such indifferent suc- sung in a tip-top manner by the pimple-nosed spicess. I spent a whole season in the search, dur- rit at the president's right elbow; but he was evaping which time my name has been enrolled in so- orated before I came. cieties, lodges, convocations, and meetings, with- As I was expressing my uneasiness at this disout number. To some I was introduced by a appointment, 1 found the attention of the compafriend, to others invited by an advertisement; to ny employed upon a fat figure, who, with a voice these I introduced myself, and to those I changed more rough than the Staffordshire giant's, was my name to gain admittance. In short, no co- giving us the Softly Sweet in Lydian Measure of quette was ever more solicitous to match her ri- Alexander's Feast. After a short pause of adbands to her complexion, than I to suit my club to miration, to this succeeded a Welsh dialogue, my temper; for I was too obstinate to bring my with the humours of Teague and Taffy:after that temper to conform to it.

came on Old Jackson, with a story between every The first club I entered upon coming to town stanza ; next was sung the Dustcart, and then was that of the Choice Spirits. The nanie was Solomon's Song. The glass began now to circuentirely suited to my taste ; I was a lover of mirth, late pretty freely: those who were silent when sogood-humour, and even sometimes of fun, from ber would now be heard in their turn; every man my childhood.

had his song, and he saw no reason why he should As no other passport was requisite but the pay- not be heard as well as any of the rest ; one begged to ment of two shillings at the door, 1 introduced my- be hearù while he gave Death and the Lady in high self without further ceremony to the members, who taste ; another sung to a plate which he kept were already assembled, and had for some time trundling on the edges ; nothing was now heard begun upon business. The Grand, with a mallet but singing; voice rose above voice; and the whole in his hand, presided at the head of the table. I became one universal shout, when the landlord could not avoid, upon my entrance, making use of came to acquaint the company that the reckoning all my skill in physiognomy, in order to discover was drank out. Rabelais calls the moment in that superiority of genius in men, who had taken which a reckoning is mentioned the most melana title so superior to the rest of mankind. I ex- choly of our lives; never was so much noise so pected to see the lines of every face marked with quickly quelled as by this short but pathetic orastrong thinking; but though I had some skill in tion of our landlord : drank out! was echoed in a this science, I wuld for my life discover nothing tone of discontent round the table : drank out albut a pert simper, fat or profound stupidity. ready! that was very odd ! that so much punch

My speculations were soon interrupted by the could be drank already--impossible! The land(trand, who had knocked down Mr. Spriggins for lord, however, seeming resolved not to retreat from

I was upon this whispered by one of the his first assurances, the company was dissolved, cumpany who sat next me, that I should now see and a president chosen for the night ensuing.

& song

A friend of mine, to whom I was complaining and they sometimes whip for a double reckoning. some time after the entertainment I have been de- To this club few recommendations are requisite, scribing, proposed to bring me to the club that he except the introductory fourpence and my landfrequented, which he fancied would suit the gravity lord's good word, which, as he gains by it, he never of my temper exactly. “We have at the Muzzy refuses. Club,” says he,“ no riotous mirth nor awkward We all here talked and behaved as every body ribaldry; no confusion or bawling ; all is conducted else usually does on his club-night; we discussed with wisdom and decency: besides, some of our the topic of the day, drank each other's healths, members are worth forty thousand pounds; men of snuffed the candles with our fingers, and filled our prudence and foresight every one of them: these are pipes from the same plate of tobacco. The comthe proper acquaintance, and to such I will to night|pany saluted each other in the common manner; introduce you.” I was charmed at the proposal : Mr. Bellows-mender hoped Mr. Currycomb-ınaker to be acquainted with men worth forty thousand had not caught cold going home the last clubpounds, and to talk wisdom the whole night, were night ; and he returned the compliment by hoping offers that threw me into raptures.

that young Master Bellows-mender had got well At seven o'clock I was accordingly introduced again of the chincough. Dr. Twist told us a story by my friend, not indeed to the company, for, of a parliament-man, with whom he was intimately though I made my best bow, they seemed insensi- acquainted; while the bug-man, at the same time, ble of my approach, but to the table at which they was telling a better story of a noble lord with whom were sitting. Upon my entering the room, I could he could do any thing. A gentleman, in a black not avoid feeling a secret veneration from the so- wig and leather breeches at the other end of the lemnity of the scene before me; the members kept table, was engaged in a long narrative of the Ghost a profound silence, each with a pipe in his mouth, in Cock-lane: he had read it in the papers of the and a pewter pot in his hand, and with faces that day, and was telling it to some that sat next him, might easily be construed into absolute wisdom. who could not read. Near him Mr. Dibbins was Happy society, thought I to myself, where the disputing on the old subject of religion with a Jew members think before they speak, deliver nothing pedler, over the table, while the president vainly rashly, but convey their thoughts to each other knocked down Mr. Leathersides for a song. Bepregnant with meaning and matureal by reflection. sides the combinations of these voices, which !

In this pleasing speculation I continued a full could hear altogether, and which formed an upper half-hour, expecting each moment that somebody part to the concert, there were several others playwould begin to open his mouth : every time the pipe ing under-parts by themselves, and endeavouring was laid down I expected it was to speak; but it to fasten on some luckless neighbour's ear, who was was only to spil. At length resolving to break the himself bent upon the same design against some charm myself, and overcome their extreme diffi- other. dence, for to this I imputed their silence, I rubbed We have often heard of the speech of a corporamy hands, and, looking as wise as possible, oh- tion, and this induced me to transcribe a speech of served that the nights began to grow a little coolish this club, taken in short-hand, word for word, as it at this time of the year. This, as it was directed was spoken by every member of the company. It to none of the company in particular, none thought may be necessary to observe, that the man who told himself obliged to answer, wherefore I continued of the ghost had the loudest voice, and the longest still to rub my hands and look wise. My next story to tell, so that his continuing narrative filled effort was addressed to a gentleman who sat next every chasm in the conversation. me; to whom I observed, that the beer was ex- "So, sir, d'ye perceive me, the ghost giving three tremely good. My neighbour made no reply, but loud raps at the bed-post-Says my Lord to me, by a large puff of tobacco-smoke.

my dear Smokeum, you know there is no man I now began to be uneasy in this dumb society, upon the face of the earth for whom I have so hightill one of them a little relieved me hy observing A damnable false heretical opinion of all sound that bread had not risen these three weeks: "Aye," doctrine and good learning; for I'll tell it aloud savs another, still keeping the pipe in his mouth, and spare not that-Silence for a song; Mr. Leath.

that puts me in mind of a pleasant story about ersides for a song—'As I was walking upon the that-hem—very well; you must know—but, be- highway, I met a young damsel-Then what fore I lugin—sir, ny service to you—where was brings you here ? says the parson to the ghost. I ?"

Sanconiathan, Manetho, and Berosus— The whole My next club goes by the name of the Harmo-way from Islington-turnpike to Dog-house barnical Society; probably from that love of order and Dam-As for Abel Drugger, sir, he's damn'd low friendship which every person commends in insti- in it; my 'prentice boy has more of the gentleman tutions of this nature. The landlord was himself than he--For murder will out one time or anothe founder. The money spent is fuurpence each;lther • and none but a ghost, you know, gentlenwn,

can-Damme if I don't; for my friend, whom The last club in which I was enrolled a member. you'know, gentlemen, and who is a parliament- was a society of moral philosophers, as they called man, a man of consequence, a dear honest crea- themselves, who assembled twice a-week, in order ture, to be sure; we were laughing last night at to show the absurdity of the present mode of reDeath and damnation be upon all his posterity, by ligion, and establish a new one in its stead. simply barely tasting-Sour grapes, as the fox said I found the members very warmly disputing once when he could not reach them; and I'll

, I'll when I arrived ; not indeed about religion or ethics tell you a story about that, that will make you but about who had neglected to lay down his preburst your sides with laughing: A fox once-Will liminary sixpence upon entering the room. The nobody listen to the song—' As I was walking upon president swore that he had laid his own down, and the highway, I met a young damsel both buxom so swore all the company. and gay'—No ghost, gentlemen, can be murdered ; During this contest I had an opportunity of obnor did I ever hear but of one ghost killed in all serving the laws, and also the members of the sa my life, and that was stabbed in the belly with a-ciety. The president, who had been, as I was My blood and soul if I don't-Mr. Bellows-mender, told, lately a bankrupt, was a tall pale figure with I have the honour of drinking your very good a long black wig; the next to him was dressed ir. health-Blast me if I do—dam-blood—bugs—fire a large white wig, and a black cravat; a third by --wbiz-blid-tit-rat-trip". -Therest all riot, the brownness of his complexion seemed a native nonsense, and rapid confusion.

of Jamaica ; and a fourth by his hue appeared to Were I to be angry at men for being fools, I be a blacksmith. But their rules will give the could here find ample room for declamation; but, most just idea of their learning and principles. alas! I have been a fool myself; and why should I be angry with them for being something so natural I. We being a laudable society of moral phito every child of humanity ?

losophers, intends to dispute twice a-weck about Fatigued with this society, I was introduced the religion and priestcraft. Leaving behind us old following night to a club of fashion. On taking wives' tales, and following good learning and sound my place, I found the conversation sufficiently sense: and if so be, that any other persons has a easy, and tolerably good-natured; for my lord and mind to be of the society, they shall be entitled so Sir Paul were not yet arrived. I now thought to do, upon paying the sum of three shillings to be myself completely fitted, and resolving to seek no spent by the company in punch. further, determined to take up my residence here II. That no member get drunk before nine of for the winter ; while my temper began to open in the clock, upon pain of forfeiting threepence, to be sensibly to the cheerfulness I saw diffused on every spent by the company in punch. face in the room: but the delusion soon vanished,

III. That as members are sometimes apt to go when the waiter came to apprise us that his lord

away without paying, every person shall pay sixship and Sir Paul were just arrived. From this moment all our felicity was at an end; shall be settled by a majority, and all fines shall be

pence upon his entering the room; and all disputes our new guests bustled into the room, and took

paid in punch. their seats at the head of the table. Adieu now all

IV. That sixpence shall be every night given confidence ; every creature strove who should most recommend himself to our members of distinction. For the good of the socioty: the president has al

to the president, in order to buy books of learning Each seemed quite regardless of pleasing any but our new guests ; and what before wore the ap- buying books for the club; particularly the works

ready put hiinself to a good deal of expense in pearance of friendship was now turned into rivalry.

Yet I could not observe that, amidst all this flat. of Tully, Socrates, and Cicero, which he will soon tery and obsequious attention, our great men took read to the society.

V. All them who brings a new argument any notice of the rest of the company. Their whole discourse was addressed to each other. Sir against religion, and who being a philosopher, and Paul told his lordship a long story of Moravia the a man of learning, as the rest of us is, shall be adJew; and his lordship gave Sir Paul a very long nitted to the freedom of the society, upon paying account of his new method of managing silk-sixpence only, to be spent in punch. worms: he led him, and consequently the rest of

VI. Whenever we are to have an extraordinary the company, through all the stages of feeding, meeting, it shall be advertised by some outlandisa sunning, and hatching; with an episode on mul- name in the newspapers. berry-trees, a digression upon grass seeds, and a long parenthesis about his new postillion. In this

SAUNDERS Mac Wild, president, manner we travelled on, wishing every story to be

ANTHONY Blewit, vice-firesideng Ibo last; but all in vain

his + mark. "Hi" over hills, and Alue on Alps arose."

WILLIAM TURPIN, secretary,

A SPEECH SPOKEN BY THE INDIGENT POILOSO ESSAY II.

PHER, TO PERSUADE HIS CLUB AT CATEATON TO We essayists, who are allowed but one subject DECLARE WAR AGAINST SPAJN. at a time, are by no means so fortunate as the wri.

My honest friends and brother politicians, I perters of magazines, who write upon several. If a ceive that the intended war with Spain makes mamagaziner be dull upon the Spanish war, he soon ny of you uneasy. Yesterday, as we were told, has us up again with the Ghost in Cock-lane ; if the stocks rose, and you were glad ; to-day they the reader begins to doze upon that, he is quickly fall, and you are again miserable. But, my dear roused by an eastern tale ; tales prepare us for po- friends, what is the rising or the falling of the etry, and poetry for the meteorological history of stocks to us, who have no money? Let Nathan the weather. It is the life and soul of a' magazine Ben Funk, the Dutch Jew, be glad or sorry for never to be long dull upon one subject ; and the this; but, my good Mr. Bellows-mender, what is reader, like the sailor's horse, has at least the com- all this to you or me? You must mend broken fortable refreshment of having the spur often bellows, and I write bad prose, as long as we live, changed.

whether we like a Spanish war or not. Believe As I see no reason why they should carry off me, my honest friends, whatever you may talk of all the rewards of genius, I have some thoughts liberty and your own reason, both that liberty and for the future of making this Essay a magazine in reason are conditionally resigned by every poor miniature : I shall hop from subject to subject, and, man in every society; and, as we are born to work, if properly encouraged, I intend in time to adorn so others are born to watch over us while we are my feuille volant with pictures. But to begin in working. In the name of common sense then, my the usual form with

good friends, let the great keep watch over us, and A MODEST ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC.

let us mind our business, and perhaps we may at The public has been so often imposed upon by in our turn.

last get money ourselves, and set beggars at work

I have a Latin sentence that is worth the unperforming promises of others, that it is with

its weight in gold, and which I shall beg leave to the utmost modesty we assure them of our invio- translate for your instruction. An author, called lable design of giving the very best collection that Lilly's Grammar, finely observes, that “ As in pver astonished society. The public we honour and regard, and therefore to instruct and entertain præsenti perfectum formal ;” that is

, " Ready mo them is our highest ambition, with labours calcu- ney makes a perfect man." Let us then get ready

money; and let them that will spend theirs by gan lated as well for the head as the heart. If four

ing to war with Spain. extraordinary pages letter-press, be any recommendation of our wit, we may at least boast the RULES FOR BEHAVIOUR, DRAWN UP BY THE INDI

GENT PHILOSOPHER. gonour of vindicating our own abilities. To say more in favour of the Infernal Magazine, would If you be a rich man, you may enter the room ve unworthy the public; to say less, would be inju- with three loud hems, march deliberately up to ious to ourselves. As we have no interested mo- the chimney, and turn your back to the fire. If ives for this undertaking, being a society of gen- you be a poor man, I would advise you to shrink slemen of distinction, we disdain to eat or write into the room as fast as you can, and place your ike hirelings; we are all gentlemen, resolved to self as usual upon the corner of a chair in a recell our six penny magazine merely for our own mote corner. Amusement.

When you are desired to sing in company, I Be careful to ask for the Infernal Magazine. would advise you to refuse ; for it is a thousand to

one but that you torment us with affectation or a DEDICATION TO THAT MOST INGENIOUS OF ALL bad voice.

PATRONS, THE TRIPOLINE AMBASSADOR. If you be young, and live with an old man, I May it please your Excellency,

would advise you not to like gravy; I was disinAs your taste in the fine arts is universally al- herited myself for liking gravy. owed and admired, permit the authors of the In- Don't laugh much in public; the spectators that b'rnal Magazine to lay the following sheets hum-are not as merry as you will hate you, either beply at your Excellency's toe; and should our la cause they envy your happiness, or fancy thomlours ever have the happiness of one day adorning selves the subject of your mirth. the courts of Fez, we doubt not that the influence wherewith we are honoured, shall be ever retained

FROM THE LATIN OF DANÆUS DE SORTIARIIS, with the most warm ardour by,

A WRITER CONTEMPORARY WITH CALVIN, ANI May it please your Excellency,

ONE OF THE REFORMERS OF OUR CHURCH, Your most devoted humble servants,

The authors of the INFERNAL MAGAZINE. The person who desires to raise the Devil, is to

RULES FOR RAISING THE DEVIL.

TRANSLATED

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