THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. I.-FONS ET ORIGO MALI. avons No! tage can be obtained from its working." I ask me to speak at a meeting, to explain the Act. I pleaded modesty, and, saying I would ne'er consent, consented. It was a vain thing to have done, and the effects have been startling. But that meeting must have a chapter to itself. ROBERT'S SOLLEM ADWISE. I CARNT on airth think what is the matter with me lately. I seems to have lost all my good sperrits, and am as quiet and as mopish as if I was out of a sitiation, which in course I am not, and am not at all likely to be. My wife bothers me by constent inquiries about the comin change on the 9th, but she ort to no, as I noes, that the cumming new LORD MARE is jest the same good, kind, afabel Gent as the noble Gent as is a going afore him, and who ewery body loved and respected, and who allers showed me ewery posserbel kindness. I aint not at all sure as them wunderful Gents as calls theirselves County Countsellers, and is allers a throwing their illnatured jeers at the grand old Citty, hasn't sumthink to do with it. I'm told as they has acshally ordered one of our most poplar Theaters to be shut up, becoz the acters and actresses is 80 werry atracktive that they draws a wunderful contrast between them and the sollem Gents as is allers a interfeering in some way or other where they are least wanted. One of their most wunderful and most conceeted fads is a longing desire to have charge of our nobel Citty Perlice, which, as ewery body knos, is the pride of the hole Metrolypus. One of the new LORD MARE's private gennelmen has told me, in the werry strictest confidens, that they have all agreed together, LORD MARE, Sherryfs, Halldermen, Liverymen, and setterer, to have the most brillientest Show as has bin seen in the old Citty since the time of DICK WITTINGTON of ewarlasting memory! if its ony for the purpose of driving the County Countsellers, as they calls theirselves, stark staring mad with enwy! And so estonished is the Queen's Guvernment themselves by what they hears on the subjec of the glorious approching Dinner, that they has acshally ordered the werry primest of all their Cabinet lot, inclooding the Prime Minister hisself, and the Lord Chanceseller, and my Lord SPINSTER, and setterer and setterer, not only to accept SNUGLY nestling in a cosy corner of Blankshire that county which at different times and places has travelled all over Englandour village pursues the even tenor of its way. To be accurate, I should say did pursue, before the events that have recently happened events in which it would be absurd I bought twenty-nine works dealing with modesty not to confess I have played a pro- the Act. I studied them diligently section by minent part. Now we are as full of excite-section, clause by clause, line by line. I rement as aforetime we were given over to ferred to all the Acts mentioned. I investimonotony. Nous J'ai gated all the Acts repealed. At the end of changé tout cela. it all I felt like a collection of conundrums. It came about in this way. I have always But I was not to be denied. One evening, till the 25th of September (a chronicler should as I was walking through the village, I met the LORD MARE's peralways be up to dates) been entirely free from ROBERT HEDGER. "Black BOB," as he is any ambition to excel in public. After a always called. He is a farm hand, and for successful life I have settled down with my some reason looked upon as a leader of men wife and family to the repose of a truly rural in the village. I saw my chance, and promptly existence. "You should come down and live took it. in the country," I am never tired of telling my friends. Good air, beautiful milk, and, best of all, fresh eggs.' "I don't know why, but you are always expected to praise the country eggs. So I always make a point of doing it. "Good evening, BOB," I said. "I've been wanting to have a bit of a talk with you about this Parish Councils Act." lite inwitation, but to By-the-by, the pre"Well, Sir, and what about that?" Of sent LORD MARE, jest to course he spoke in dialect, but the dialect show his ermazin libberdialogues are almost played out, so I trans-ality, acshally arsked late into quite ordinary English. It's easier jest a few of the to understand, and quite as interesting. Up to September the 25th, accordingly, I extolled the eggs of the country and lived my simple, unpretending life. On that day "What about it?" said I, with well-simuI read an article in the paper on the Parish lated surprise. Then I launched into a glowing Councils Act. I read that now for the first account of what it would effect. I waxed time the people in the villages would taste poetic. The agricultural labourer would the sweets of local self-government. The come home at night from his work proud in change from fresh eggs struck my fancy, up the consciousness of being a citizen. He to that time singularly dormant. I read on, would breathe a different air; the very fire dashing all unknowing to my fate. "It is in his cottage would burn brighter because the duty," I saw, "of every man of educa- a Parish Council had been established in his tion, experience, and leisure in the village midst. I finished (it was a distinct antiwho has the welfare of his country at heart climax) by saying that I had been carefully to study the Act, and to make it his business studying the Act. that his fellow-parishioners shall know what Two days later Black BOB and two of his the Act does, and how the greatest advan-mates called at my house-a deputation to County Countsellers to ROBERT. PROSIT.-Best wishes to Mr. BEERBOHM TREE for the success of the new piece at the Haymarket. Whatever may be the result, he, personally, is in for a Wynn." 66 Sir Lucius. Then sure you know what is to be done? Sir Lucius. Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else?... I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world. Acres. Gad, that's true-I grow full of anger, Sir LUCIUS!-I fire apace! Odds hilts and blades! I find a man may have a deal of valour in him and not know it!... Your words are a grenadier's match to my heart! I believe courage must be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it were-a kind of courage as I may say. Odds flints, pans and triggers! I'll challenge him directly!-The Rivals. Fighting Bob's Afterthoughts. ODDS bombs and torpedoes! An oath, like a whistle, I feel like a hero of grandeur and gristle Who goes to the fight as men go to a feast. Sir LUCIUS has wrought me to 't-fire-eater furious. Odds bullets and blades, how he'll bristle and whisk! That's just like O'TRIGGER, a swaggering swigger At patience and caution he'll swear or he'll snigger, He thinks he has managed the business most cleverly, But zounds. That big burly and black-bearded-BEVER LEY, Is not a foe to pooh-pooh! Not at all! Odds jigs and tabors! Such bellicose neighbours Are horridly awkward; they will force one's hand, A chap who unceasingly brags and belabours Is valued, no doubt, in a Donnybrook band; It's just a tremendous, big, bothersome business,— I feel a dizziness. O'TRIGGER's fizziness THE SCHOOL-BOARD APPLE-PIE. A (SCHOOL-BOARD) Apple-Pie; B (uilt it); C (ircular) cut it up; D (IGGLE) directed it; E (xpenses) eat it up; F (ORSTER) fought for it: G (LADSTONE) got it through; H (ostility) hampered it; I (ntolerance) injured it; J (ealousies) jangled about it; K (indness) kindled at it; L (OBB) lightened its costs; M (oney) met them; N (oodles) talked nonsense about it; O (pinion) oscillated concerning it; P (rogressives) prodded it; Q (uidnuncs) querulously questioned and quizzed it; R (ILEY) raised religious rumpus about it, while R (atepayers) ruefully regarded him; S (ecularism) sneered at it; T (eachers) toiled for it; V (ituperation) vexed it; W (isdom) wondered at it; and X, Y, Z-well, "Wise-heads" are few, and "X" is an unknown quantity. POSITIVELY OSTENTATIOUS. Mr. Phunkstick (quite put out). "TALK ABOUT AGRICULTURAL DEPRESSION, INDEED! DON'T BELIEVE IN IT NEVER SAW FENCES KEPT IN SUCH DISGUSTINGLY GOOD ORDER IN MY LIFE!" VAGABOND VERSES. I've pictured you in chalks and oils, Yet strives for ever to portray. Lest idle gazers should surprise; But when night gathers I recall, I look into your dreaming eyes. So many things I cared about, And now they all have fallen flat, While I, Bohemian out and out, Have been to buy a better hat, In lieu of one of dusky green Upon my coat paint splashes shine. Endeavouring to get it clean I've rubbed it hard with turpentine Till my head ached, my heart was faint, I cannot rub away the paint, And I was utterly undone, I can't afford another one. They have a murky yellow shade, My collars once so white; and frail, And at the wristbands sadly frayed My solitary swallow-tail! That dinner-party where we met! We seemed to meet like friends of old, And both to utterly forget Oh, by your eyes, your wistful mien, I know for wealth you do not care, I know you wish you had not been Related to a millionaire! The starlit night is deepening, Hushed are the footsteps of the folk, My window open wide I fling, And one enchanted pipe I smoke, And on the misty vapour blue, And oh, so near, so near to you, Across the Square my fancies float; And oh, so bitterly remote ! I talk to you of many things, I wonder if our thoughts have wings, 1 wonder, are you waking still? And should I, if your house took fire, Have time to hurry to your aid, To rescue you from peril dire, Before swooped down the Fire Brigade. There has sprung up a pleasant breeze After the day's dustladen air, And it is blowing in the trees Within the garden in the Square. Oh, gentle wind-I may not speak, Wind from the West, I may not tell. Across the Square my lady seek, And bid her dream I love her well! POLITE POLICE IN EGYPT.-The Anglo-Egyptian Police are to be converted into a civil force. Will Police Professors of Politeness be sent over from England to give lectures on civility? MOTTO FOR ANY AUTHORS WRITING PLAYS FOR THE GABRICK THEATRE. -"Keep your HARE on!" LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART XIX.-UNEARNED INCREMENT. SCENE XXVII. (continued).-The Chinese Drawing Room. Sir Rupert (to TREDWELL). Well, what is it? Tredwell (in an undertone). With reference to the party, Sir RUPERT, as represents himself to have come down to see the 'orse, ISir Rup. (aloud). You mean Mr. SPURRELL? It's all right. Mr. SPURRELL will see the horse to-morrow. (TREDWELL disguises his utter bewilderment.) By the way, we expected a Mr.- What did you say the name was, my dear?... UNDERSHELL? To be sure, a Mr. UNDERSHELL, to have been here in time for dinner. Do you know why he has been unable to come before this? Tred. (to himself). Do I know? Oh, Lor! (Aloud.) I-I believe he have arrived, Sir RUPERT. Sir Rup. So I understand from Mr. SPURRELL. Is he here still? Tred. He is, Sir RUPERT. I-I considered it my dooty not to allow him to leave the house, not feeling Sir Rup. Quite right, TREDWELL. I should have been most seriously annoyed if I had found that a guest we were all anxiously expecting had left the Court, owing to some fanciedWhere is he now ? Tred. (faintly). In-in the Verney Chamber. Leastways-> BEFD Sir Rup. Ah. (He glances at SPURRELL.) Then where? But that can be arranged. Go up and explain to Mr. UNDERSHELL that we have only this moment heard of his arrival; say we understand that he has been obliged to come by a later train, and that we shall be delighted to see him, just as he is. Spurrell (to himself). He was worth looking at just as he was, when I saw him! Tred. Very good, Sir RUPERT. (To himself, as he departs.) If I'm not precious careful over this job, it may cost me my situation! Spurr. Sir RUPERT, I've been thinking that, after what's occurred, it would probably be more satisfactory to all parties if I shifted my quarters, and-and took my meals in the Housekeeper's Room. [Lady MAISIE and Lady RHODA utter inarticulate protests. Sir Rup. My dear Sir, not on any account-couldn't hear of it! My wife, I'm sure, will say the same. Lady Culverin (with an effort). I hope Mr. SPURRELL will continue to be our guest precisely as before-that is, if he will forgive us for putting him into another room SCENE XXVIII.-The Verney Chamber. Undershell (in the dressing-room, to himself). I wonder how long I've been locked up here-it seems hours! I almost hope they've forgotten me altogether.... Someone has come in.... If it should be Sir RUPERT!! Great Heavens, what a situation to be found in by one's host!... Perhaps it's only that fellow SPURRELL; if so, there's a chance. (The door is unlocked by TREDWELL, who has lighted the candles on the dressing-table.) It's the butler again. Well, I shall soon know the worst! (He steps out, blinking, with as much dignity as possible.) Perhaps you will kindly inform me why I have been subjected to this indignity? Tred. (in perturbation). I think Mr. UNDERSHELL, Sir, in common fairness, you'll admit as you've mainly yourself to thank for any mistakes that have occurred; for which I 'asten to express my pussonal regret. Und. So long as you realise that you have made a mistake, I am willing to overlook it, on condition that you help me to get away from this place without your master and mistress's knowledge. Tred. It's too late, Sir. They know you 're 'ere! Und. They know! Then there's no time to be lost. I must leave this moment! Tred. No, Sir, excuse me; but you can't hardly do that now. I was to say that Sir RUPERT and the ladies would be glad to see you in the Droring Room himmediate. Und. Man alive! do you imagine anything would induce me to meet them now, after the humiliations I have been compelled to suffer under this roof? Tred. If you would prefer anything that has taken place in the Room, Sir, or in the stables to be 'ushed up Und Prefer it! If it were only possible! But they know-they know! What's the use of talking like that? Tred. (to himself). I know where I am now! (Aloud.) They know nothink up to the present, Mr. UNDERSHELL, nor yet I see no occasion why they should-leastwise from any of Us. Und. But they know I'm here; how am I to account for all the time- - १ Tred. Excuse me, Sir. I thought of that, and it occurred to me as it might be more agreeable to your feelings, Sir, if I conveyed an impression that you had only just arrived-'aving missed your train, Sir. Und. (overjoyed). How am I to thank you? that was really most discreet of you-most considerate! Tred. I am truly rejoiced to hear you say so, Sir. And I'll take care nothing leaks out. And if you'll be kind enough to follow me to the Droring Room, the ladies are waiting to see you. Und. (to himself). I may actually meet Lady MAISIE MULL after all! (Aloud, recollecting his condition.) I'm in such a horrible mess! Spurr. (to himself). It's no use; I "I'm so very glad-about Emma, you know!" can't get rid of 'em; they stick to me like a lot of highly-bred burrs! But I can't go down like this. (Aloud, in despair.) Your ladyship is very good, but- Well, Tred. I reelly don't perceive it, Sir; there's a little white on your the fact is, I've only just found out that a young lady I've long coat-collar behind. Allow me there, it's off now. (He gives him a been deeply attached to is in this very house. She's a Miss EMMA hand-glass.) If you'd like to see for yourself. PHILLIPSON-maid, so I understand, to Lady MAISIE-and, without Und. (to himself as he looks). A little pallor, that's all. I am for one moment wishing to draw any comparisons, or to seem un- more presentable than I could have hoped. (Aloud.) Have the grateful for all the friendliness I've received, I really and truly kindness to take me to Lady CULVERIN at once. would feel myself more comfortable in a circle where I could enjoy rather more of my EMMA's society! Sir Rup. (immensely relieved). Perfectly natural! and-hum -sorry as we are to lose you, Mr. SPURRELL, we-ah-mustn't be inconsiderate enough to keep you here a moment longer. I daresay you will find the young lady in the Housekeeper's Room-anyone will tell you where it is.... Good-night to you, then; and, remember, we shall expect to see you in the field on Tuesday. Lady Maisie. Good-night, Mr. SPURRELL, and-and I'm so very glad-about EMMA, you know. I hope you will both be very happy. [She shakes hands warmly. Lady Rhoda. So do I. And mind you don't forget about that liniment, you know. Captain Thicknesse (to himself). MAISIE don't care a hang! And I was ass enough to fancy- But there, that's all over now! SCENE XXIX.-The Chinese Drawing Room. Sir Rup. (to UNDERSHELL, after the introductions have been gone through). And so you missed the 4.55 and had to come on by the 7.30, which stops everywhere, eh? Und. It-it certainly does stop at most stations. Sir Rup. And how did you get on to Wyvern-been here long? Und. N-not particularly long. Sir Rup. Fact is, you see, we made a mistake. Very ridiculous, but we've been taking that young fellow, Mr. SPURRELL, for you all this time; so we never thought of inquiring whether you'd come or not. It was only just now he told us how he'd met you in the Verney Chamber, and the very handsome way, if you will allow me to say so, in which you had tried to efface yourself. Und. (to himself). I didn't expect him to take that view of it! (Aloud.) I-I felt I had no alternative. [Lady MAISIE regards him with admiration. Sir Rup. You did an uncommon fine thing, Sir, and I'm afraid you received treatment on your arrival which you had every right to resent. Und. (to himself). I hoped he didn't know about the Housekeeper's Room! (Aloud.) Please say no more about it, Sir RUPERT. I know now that you were entirely innocent of any Sir Rup. (horrified). Good Gad! you didn't suppose I had any band in fixing up that booby trap, or whatever it was, did you? Young fellows will get bear-fighting and playing idiotic tricks on one another, and you seem to have been the victim-that's how it was. Have you had anything to eat since you came? If not Und. (hastily). Thank you, I-I have dined. (To himself.) So he doesn't know where, after all! I will spare him that. Sir Rup. Got some food at Shuntingbridge, eh? Afraid they gave you a wretched dinner? A GAY WIDOW COURTED. NOTHING could be better than the acting all round (in the new three-act play at the Court. It is distinctly first-rate, and those who want a hearty laugh should proceed to the Court to enjoy it. And yet there is also serious relief, as there should be-light and shade. First there is Miss LOTTIE VENNE, who shows us that she can mingle pathos with comedy, temper smiles with tears. She is as bright as sunshine in the comic scenes, and when she has to say good-bye to her newlymarried daughter, she glides from peals of merriment into sobs of sorrow that are intensely touching because they are intensely natural. Then Mr. HAWTREY, in a part that fits him down to the ground (in the Stalls) and up to the ceiling (in the Gallery), is greatly amusing. And he, too, has his more mournful moments. People accustomed to seeing this accomplished actor in Lady Maisie (in an undertone, to Captain THICKNESSE). GERALD, butterfly touch-and-go parts would scarcely you remember what I said some time ago-about poetry and poets? credit him with the power of becoming Capt. Thick. Perfectly. And I thought you were quite right. pathetically unmanned. And yet so it is. Lady Maisie, I was quite wrong. I didn't know what I was talkMr. HAWTREY, indignant at a false accusaing about. I do now. Good night. (She crosses to UNDERSHELL.) tion emanating from his wife, commences a Good night, Mr. BLAIR, I'm so very glad we have met at last! letter full of angry reproaches, addressed to her solicitors, and gradu[She goes. ally forgets everything in his despairing appeal for the love he craves Und. (to himself, rapturously). She's not freckled; she's not even but which he fears he has lost. Nothing better than this has been sandy. She's lovely! And, by some unhoped for good fortune, all seen for a long time in a London theatre. Then Mr. GILBERT HARE this has only raised me in her eyes. I am more than compensated! (inheritor of his father's cleverness) causes roars of laughter by his Capt. Thick. (to himself). I may just as well get back to Alder-comical sketch of a man with a cold. But here, again, the mirth is shot to-morrow-now. I'll go and prepare Lady C.'s mind, in case. tempered with sympathy. The echo of the "ha, ha, ha," in spite of its It's hard luck; just when everything seemed goin' right! I'd give inappropriateness, is Poor fellow!" Mr. THORNE, too, is good, and somethin' to have the other bard back, I know. It's no earthly use so is Mr. RIGHTON, and so is everyone concerned. my tryin' to stand against this one! Und. Quite the reverse, I assure you. (To himself.) Considering that it came from his own table! FEMINA DUX FACTI. The Tumulus, Parliament Hill, Nov. 5. DEAR MR. PUNCH,-Do not confuse me with a boa-constrictor story. Cursed be he that disturbs my bona fides; and the above is my real address. True, the ancient Romans knew me as the Old Pretendress, but let that pass. What I want to know is this. Will nothing check the energy of the L. C. C. P-nothing allay their fever for expurgation? I am not a Promenader. I only ask to lie still. Nor a Living Picture either, and have not been for more than eighteen centuries. Talk of Roman noses! Why their eagle was a chicken compared with the London Carrion Crows! Such a power of scent! It is Guy Fawkes day, and I hear talk of blowing up the Lords. But surely one must draw the line somewhere this side of an insidious exhumation of the Monarchy ! After all, if they do get at my bones, the real marrow of me has transmigrated into the New Woman. Sir, there were New Women in my day. We invented everything. I see the Daily Telegraph says they have found a pellet. That reminds me that after the death of my late husband, PRASUTAGUS, King of the Iceni (not to be confused with the PLIOCENI of about the same period), I was subjected to the most revolting barbarity at the hands of the Veterans (their name was legionary), and I was obliged to invent a pellet-proof corset. Then, again, we held all the commissions in the army. How does TACITUS report my famous speech to the Queen Consort's Own Regiment of Pioneers (new style)? "Vincendum illa acie vel cadendum esse. Id mulieri destinatum. Viverent viri et servirent." Let the men live on in slavery! What a prophetic utterance! By the way, not many Emancipated Women of the present day could speak better Latin than that. Indeed, we took all the University degrees. I myself was an honorary felo de se. Don't tell me that I am prehistoric, and that TACITUS was a forger of the fourteenth century. No testimony is sacred now-a-days, not even the most profane! I conclude with a passage from Madame SARAH GRAY, which I think comes in rather well. Beneath this storied hump there lies concealed A heart once pregnant with a Righteous Plan, Dear Mr. Punch, may you live for ever; or, failing that, may no rude spoiler mar your "animated bust." Excuse these disjointed remarks, but I am writing in a barrow. Yours, in the spirit, BOADICEA. P.S.-I have thought of a proverb. New Women should be put into new tumuli. 66 FINISHING TOUCHES. ["Canon FURSE said he believed no man's education was complete who did not attend public meetings."-Daily News.] My classics were not shaky, nor my mathematics weak, In half-a-dozen languages with quite surprising skill, But, though profoundly conscious of a lingering defect, I shunned all public meetings, which accounted for my state. gone, 'twere idle to shed tears, And every afternoon and night I Where Anti-Vivisectionists their Where Democrats democratise, Where lecturers with lanterns make the vice of drinking clear, I join in the applause, and-yes! The Anti-Smoking cranks Yes, Canon FURSE, I thank you for your warning so discreet; HOME FOR ADVERTISERS.-" Puffin Island." Of course this is only for those who find themselves in "many straits." |