UR ALL-ROUND STOCK-EXCHANGERS' COMPANY. you? Oh, Mr. SPURRELL, I've quite set my heart on hearing you read aloud to us. Are you really cruel enough to refuse ? Spurr. Read aloud! Is that what you want me to do? But OUR I'm no particular hand at it. I don't know that I've ever read UNPARALLELED PROFITS TO EVERYBODY! aloud-except a bit out of the paper now and then-since I was a HE ALL-ROUND COMPANY PERFORMS IMPOSSIBILIboy at school! Lady Cantire. What's that I hear? Mr. SPURRELL professing THE ALL-ROUND COMPANY ARE SQUARE DEALERS!!! incapacity to read aloud? Sheer affectation! Come, Mr. SPURRELL,T I am much mistaken if you are wanting in the power to thrill all RY OUR NEW G STOCK. hearts here. Think of us as instruments ready to respond to your T touch. Play upon us as you will; but don't be so ungracious as to raise any further obstacles. Spurr. (resignedly). Oh, very well, if I'in required to read, I'm agreeable. Murmurs of satisfaction. Lady Cant. Hush, please, everybody! Mr. SPURRELL is going to read. My dear Dr. RODNEY, if you wouldn't mind just Lord LUL LINGTON, can you hear where you are? Where are you going to sit, Mr. SPURRELL? In the centre will be best. Will somebody move that lamp a little, so as to give him more light? Spurr. (to himself, as he sits down). I wonder what we're supposed to be playing at! (Aloud.) Well, what am I to read, eh? Miss Spelw. (placing an open copy of Andromeda" in his hands with a charming air of deferential dictation). You might begin with this-such a dear little piece! I'm dying to hear you read it! HE G IS A REGULAR GALLOPER. THE THE G CAN CANTER; BUT THE ALL-ROUND COMPANY CAN'T CANT. THE ALL-ROUND COMPANY ARE SHEKEL-SCOOPERS. THE THE ALL-ROUND COMPANY must be TRIED at once. THE SENTENCE will be HARD CASH FOR LIFE WITHOUT ANY THE G STOCK FOR BREAKFAST. THE G STOCK FOR BILIOUS HEADACHES. THE G STOCK FOR BEANFEASTS. Spurr. (as he takes the book). I'll do the best I can! (He looks at the page in dismay.) Why, look here, it's Poetry! I didn't bargain for that. Poetry's altogether out of my line! (Miss SPELWANE opens her eyes to their fullest extent, and retires a few paces from him; he turns over the leaves backwards until he arrives at the TH title-page.) I say, this is rather curious! Who the dickins is HE NEW G STOCK FOR THE NEW G WO-MAN. CLARION BLAIR?' (The company look at one another with raised BY Surprise profits are made by all Investors who trust us with eyebrows and dropped underlips.) Because I never heard of him; but he seems to have been writing poetry about my bull-dog. Miss Spelu. (faintly). Writing poetry-about your bull-dog! Spurr. Yes, the one you've all been praising up so. If it isn't meant for her, it's what you might call a most surprising coincidence, for here's the old dog's name as plain as it can be-Andromeda ! [Tableau. 66 "LIVING PICTURES." OUR COVER SYSTEM we have never yet drawn blank. their balances, so that a swinging amount always stands to their credit. We have never yet received a check. Our Customers come to Order, but they never go to Law. In June, 1893, we received information about Grand Post Defs. and Tympanum Prefs., and a Bull-dozing Operation was decided on. As a consequence we were has made them strong enough to move a Market. able to present all Subscribers with a £50 dumb-bell apiece, which THEAU HOAX DECOM Everyone should therefore HE ALL-ROUND COMPANY'S PEBBLE-BEECHED POP PLANK DOWN HIS MONEY THE Downey ones, meaning thereby the photographers W. & D. "of that ilk," have produced some excellent photographic portraits in their fifth series recently published. THE CZAREVICH and The H Right Hon. HENRY CHAPLIN, M.P., two sporting names well brought "I'm coming to take you!" and THROW HIS SCRUPLES OVER-BOARD. Y our NEW PURCHASE SYSTEM all together, and both capital like-BY nesses, though the Baron fancies that THE CZAREVICH has the best COMMISSIONS ARE ABOLISHED. of it, for secret and silent as THE ALL-ROUND COMPANY DEALS IN LARGE BLOCKS. THE ALL ROUND COMPANY BLOCK-HEADS THE LIST. HE ALL-ROUND COMPANY TELLS YOU CHARLES SANTLEY Charles TH our friend"-looking like a mere "Nature, smiling, gave the win HOW TO WATCH A STOCK boy with " a singing face," where H° GRUNDY, endimanché, is too wonderful kind of Fellah! don't-know sed, yar-fellah!" expression, at once surprised, moreDowney another time, and give us a more characteristic presentment of this lively comédienne. The Right Hon. ARTHUR J. BALFOUR is the best of all. Capital. Just the man: "frosty but kindly." Then there is a first rate portrait of Miss FANNY BROUGH, and after her comes the King of SAXONY!! O ALBERT of Saxony after Miss FANNY BROUGH!! What 'll Queenie CAROLINE say? Perhaps Messrs. DOWNEY, by kind permission of CASSELL & Co., will explain. BATTLE WITH BACILLI.-Dr. Roux has been successful against the Diphtheria Bacillus. He can afford to look on at any number of Bacilli and exclaim, "Bah! silly!" Unless he pronounces Latin more Italiano, and then he would say "Bah! chilly!" Which I and OW TO STRIKE A TIME-BARGAIN. F YOU DON'T LIKE G STOCK BUY B STOCK. THE BUSY B BUZZES! HU would signify that they were lifeless and harmless. Bravo ROU OUR ALL-ROUND STOCK-EXCHANGERS' COMPANY, 66 ENGLAND. Hostess. "THIS IS GOOD OF YOU, MAJOR GREY! WHEN I WROTE I NEVER EXPECTED FOR A MOMENT THAT YOU WOULD COME!" "WINDING 'EM UP." ["If he believed that the majority of the Liberal-Unionist party, or indeed any considerable section of them, held the opinion which was expressed by this writer in the Times, he, for one, would at once resign the responsible position which he held, and would claim to take up a more independent position, because he was certain that their efforts would be fruitless, and that they would not succeed in defeating the policy of Home Rule if they were to accept the negative position which had been suggested to them."-Mr. Chamberlain at Durham.] Showman Joe soliloquiseth :WAXWORKS indeed! Hah! I've took over the management of 'em, and I suppose, as Misther Thleary said, I must make the betht of 'em, not the wurtht." But I'm a bit tired of the job -sometimes. Wish I could feel Mrs. Jarley's pride in the whole bag o' tricks! 'Ave to purtend to, of course. Can't cry creaky waxworks any more than you can stinking fish. But a more rusty, sluggish, wheezy, wobbly, jerky, uncertain, stick-fast, stodgy, unwillin' lot o' wax figgers I never did Well, there, it tries a conscience of injy-rubber to crack 'em up and patter of 'em into poppylarity, blowed if it don't! nose-o'-wax and don't nod yerself into nothingness! 'Ow much more Cling-cling! Curting rising? Well, 'ere goes once more then! (Winding hard and addressing audience). "Ladies and gen'l'men! The Himperial and Royal Grand Unionist Combination Waxworks Show is about to start for the season! Largest and most life-like set o' wax figgers ever exhibited to a hadmiring public!! As I wind you will perceive hunmistakeable signs of hanimation in 'is Grace the Nobble Dook; arter wich, with your kyind permission, I shall take a turn at the Illustrous Markis!!!" Kim up, Dook! Dashed if 'e don't look as if 'e fancied hisself the Sleepin' Beauty, and wanted to forty-wink it for another centry. Look at the flabby flop of 'im! Jest as though 'e wouldn't move if 'is nose wos a meltin'. Large as life, and twice as nateral? Wy, a kid's Guy Fox on the fifth o' November 'ud give 'im hodds, and lick which must be the final blow to her ambition.] 'is 'ead orf-heasy! Bin a-ileing 'is works this ever so long, and still 'e moves as if 'is wittles wos sand-paper, and 'is drink witrol. Kim up! WHERE ARE YOU GOING, REVOLTING MAID? (New Song to an Old Tune, for the New Woman.) As to the Markis, well, 'e's a bit older, but dashed if 'e don't move livelier-when 'e is on the shift. At the present moment 'owever, utter confloption is a cycle-sprinter to 'im. As if a pair o' niddity-noddities in "negative" positions was likely to fetch 'em in front in these days! Yah! Should like to keep the Old Show a-runnin', too,-leastways until I can start a bran-new one of my very own. Won't run to it yet, I'm afraid. Oh, to boss a big booth-full all to myself! I'd show 'em! This Combination Show-old stock-in-trade of one company, and cast-offs from another-ain't the best o' bisness arter all. But I must keep 'em together as a going concern till I can run a star company of my own choosing. 'Ere, and us that ile-can again! Talk about rust and rickets! Curting about to be rung up? Then I must get 'em in working horder somehow! 'Ang this Dook! Can't git anythink nateral out of 'im-'cept a yawn. That 'e does as like as life. Kim up old [The Quarterly Review says that man will not marry the New Woman, "WHERE are you going, Revolting Maid?" "You may follow-behind me, Sir!" she said. "What is your object, Revolting Maid ? " 66 "Will you marry, Revolting Maid ?" "Perhaps-on my own terms, Sir!" she said. "And what may those terms be, Revolting Maid ?" "Then I shan't wed you, Revolting Maid!" TITLE FOR NEW LONDON JAPANESE JOURNAL (WEEKLY).-" The Happy Dispatch, edited by HARI KARI." SHOWMAN JOE "LADIES AND GEN'L'MEN, 'IS GRACE THE DOOK WILL SHORTLY BEGIN TO SHOW SIGNS OF HANIMATION-HAFTER WHICH, WITH YOUR KIND PERMISSION, I WILL PERCEED TO TAKE A TURN AT THE MARKIS!" THE SONG OF THE LEADERS. "WHEN the much-enduring Dockers, In the city of the Smoke-Cloud. By the banks of the Tems-Ri-Va, Struck to gain a larger stipend, Lead them on did BURNSIWATHA. And the ruler of these matters, Who is called the Bry-Tish-PuBlyck, Took the side of dock-gate casuals, That they soon must yield to reason; But when many moons had vanished, Then the strong man, BURNSI- Hurled their language back with interest, With the breathing of his nostrils, Said TOM-MANN was feather-headed, And the Independent Lab'rers, Not to be outdone in scolding, Scandalised poor BURNSIWATHA, Said they thought him quite conceited, Called him "Boss," likewise "Bulldozing." And the Bry-Tish-Pu-Blyck won- At the manners of these leaders, STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE. THE CHICK-A-LEARY COCHIN. THE TALE OF A VOTE. BEDAD, 'twas meself was as plaised as could be ་་ Oi'm a gintleman now wid a vingeance," ses Oi. The Colonel come in wid an affable air, An' he sat down quite natteral-loike in a chair. "So, RORY," ses he, "'tis a vote ye've got now?" "That's thrue though ye ses it," ses Oi, wid a bow. "Deloighted!" ses he, "'tis meself that is g'ad, For shure ye're disarvin' it, RORY me lad. An' how are ye goin' to use it ?" ses he, 66 Ye could scarcely do betther than give it to me." Oi stared at the Colonel, amazed wid surprise. "What! Give it away, Sorr ?-Me vote, Sorr ?" Oi cries. "D'ye think that Oi've waited ontil Oi am gray, An' now Oi'm jist goin' to give it away?" The Colonel he chuckled, an "RORY," ses he. But "No, Sorr," Oi answers, "ye don't diddle me." JAS BAYARD AND BOBBY. ОH, ROBERT, in our hours of ease Butt of those outworn pleasantries, Not less with pride thy praise we hear Hymned in another hemisphere, When BAYARD, chivalrously graphic, Tells how you regulate the traffic. Firm as a statue on its plinth 'Midst the vertiginous labyrinth Of circus, street and bridge you stand, And rule the storm with calm, un armed hand. Rarely our soldiers of the law Do Themis' awful truncheon draw, please!" And rather by that sober charm QUERY IN THE COUNTRY.-New agricultural version of an ancient cockney slang phrase "Has your farmer sold his mangel?" ADVICE TO ANY DRAMATIC AUTHOR WHO HAS WRITTEN A LENGTHY PIECE. -"Cut, and run.' Thin he hum'd an' he haw'd, an' he started agin, Thin the smoile died away, an' a frown come instead, Thin he called me a dolt an' an ignorant fool, Bedad, Oi was startled. Him beggin' me vote, Was it betther he thought he could use it than Oi? THE ZUYDER ZEE.-" Wha' be the Zider Zee?" repeated a Devonian farmer. "Why, I always thought as the Zee of Exeter were the Zider Zee. Ain't it pratty well in the middle o' Zider Country?" |