Miss (Stick, acidly). Provided it is free from any helement of coarseness, which we do not encourage-far from it!

Und. (suppressing his irritation). You need be under no alarm, Madam. I do not propose to attempt a performance of any kind. Phill. Don't be so solemn, Mr. UNDERSHELL! I'm sure you can be as comical as any playactor when you choose!

Und. I really don't know how I can have given you that impression. If you expect me to treat my lyre like a horse-collar, and grin through it, I'm afraid I am unable to gratify you. Stept. (at sea). Capital, Sir, the professional allusion very neat. You'll come out presently. I can see, when supper's on the table. Can't expect you to rattle till you've something inside of you, can we? Miss Stick. Reelly, Mr. STEPTOE, I am surprised at such commonness from you!

Stept. Now you're too severe, Miss STICKLER, you are indeed. An innocent little Judy Mow like that!

Tredwell (outside). Don't answer me, Sir. Ham I butler 'ere, or ham I not? I've a precious good mind to report you for such a hignorant blunder.... I don't want to hear another word about the gentleman's cloes-you'd no hearthly business for to do such a thing at all! (He enters and flings himself down on a chair.) That THOMAS is beyond everything-stoopid hass as he is!

Mrs. Pomfr. (concerned). La, Mr. TREDWEIL, you do seem put out! Whatever have THOMAS been doing now?

Und. (to himself). It's really very good of him to take it to heart like this! (Aloud.) Pray don't let it distress you; it's of no consequence, none at all!

Tred. (glaring). I'm the best judge of that, Mr. UNDERSHELL, Sir -if you'll allow me: I don't call my porogatives of no consequence, whatever you may! And that feller THOMAS, Mrs. POMFRET, actially 'ad the hordacity, without consulting me previous, to go and 'and a note to one of our gentlemen at the hupstairs table, all about some hassinine mistake he'd made with his cloes! What call had he to take it upon himself? I feel puffecly disgraced that such a thing should have occurred under my authority!

The Steward's Room Boy has entered with a dish, and listens with secret anxiety on his own account.

Und. I assure you there is no harm done. The gentleman is wearing my evening clothes-but he's going to return them[The conclusion of the sentence is drowned in a roar of laughter from the majority.

Tred. (gasping). Hevenin' cloes! Your hevenin' 'ave the goodness to explain yourself, Sir!

P'raps you'll

TO HANWELLIA FROM EARLSWOOD.
["In my time at Eton it was the custom with one's tutor to supply us
with what was disrespectfully called 'nonsense' material for some suggested
theme."-JAMES PAYN, in Our Note-Book" in "The Illustrated London
News."]
WILL you follow where the Bandicoots inevitably stray,
As they amorously hurtle through the stubble and the hay;
Where the Jebusites and Amorites are gathered in a bunch,
While they watch the duck-billed Platypus preparing for his lunch?
Where the toothsome Trichinopli keeps turning on the spit-
Oh my dove-like Trichinopoli, how hard you are to hit!
There is something so elusive and desserting in your shape,
That I had to shoot you sitting and to load my gun with grape.
Though the Mandrake give you goose-

skin by its inharmonious shriek,
And a tug of war come thenning after
Greek has met with Greek;
will stay at home and see the giddy
milkman fill his pail

I

For an orchestra of Clepsydras con-
ducted by a Snail.

And it's oh to be a Manatee-I think

I shall be soon

Dolphins on

Riding coffee-coloured
With his Barnacles and Biffin-boys
the snaffle (or bridoon).
belaying in the sea,

He has always eggs at breakfast, has the merry Manatee.
Can you see me then subsiding very stately very sly,
Like a soluble quadratic which has lost its x and y.
Getting out my rusty rapier and dissecting with a lunge
All the daffodils and daisies that I grow upon my sponge?
Can you see me on a tram-car, while I stand upon my head,
Shredding out the scarlet runners which no publisher has read,
In a horse-case predetermined by a puisne-judge alone,
Who is tired of seeing juries with a rider of their own?
If the dactyls and the spondees should eventually pall,
You can call on Miss CAESURA and conduct her to a ball.
You can feed the girl on trochees, and of course you can propose,
If hexameters delight you when recited through the nose.
Happy days, how soon ye falter; can a Bachelor have bliss?
Can a Scotsman get protection for his philibeg and trews
Can a contrapuntal Bulbul wco her lover with a kiss?
By dictating half a column to the Illustrated News?
Can a Bumble-bee be cheerful if related to a Mouse
Can a man-of-war be manly, can a gum-boil stick like glue?
Which has left its cheesy larder and been captured by a Grouse?
Can accounts be cooked with "stumers," and converted into stew?

Stept. No, no, TREDWELL, my dear fellah, you don't understand
our friend here he's a bit of a wag, don't you see? He's only
trying to pull your leg, that's all; and, Gad, he did it too! But
you mustn't take liberties with this gentleman, Mr. UNDERSHELL,
he's an important personage here, I can tell you!
Und. (earnestly). But I never meant-if you'll only let me
explain-
[The Boy has come behind him, and administers a surreptitious
kick, which UNDERSHELL rightly construes as a hint to hold
his tongue.
Tred. (in solemn offence). I'm accustomed, Mr. HUNDERSHELL, to
be treated in this room with respect and deference-especially by
them as come here in the capacity of Guests. From such I regard
any attempt to pull my leg as in hindifferent taste-to say the least Nay, I fly from all these problems; I am fortunately deaf
of it. I wish to 'ave no more words on the subjick, which is a pain-To the fascinating music of the careful Q. E. F.,
ful one, and had better be dropped, for the sake of all parties. Nor can theorems allure me, never, never will I be
Mrs. POMFRET, I see supper is on the table, so, by your leave, we Mathematically married to a vulgar Q. E. D.
had better set down to it.

Phill. (to UNDERSHELL). Never mind him, pompous old thing! It was awfully cheeky of you, though. You can sit next me if you like.

Und. (to himself, as he avails himself of this permission). I shall only make things worse if I explain now. But, oh, great Heavens, what a position for a Poet

NEW LAMPS FOR OLD.

But at home I'll sit and linger by the soft September fire,
While I toast my feet and rack them by particular desire.
And I'll illustrate my meaning (penny coloured, twopence plain)
Drawing gaily on the Note Book" of my old friend JIMMY PAYN.

MAD AS A HATTER.-The Drapery World says that "the New Woman's hat" is much like the Ordinary Man topper," only a little smaller, and a little more cheeky. The phrase might fitly be ."transferred to the "New Woman" herself. She looks so much like an ordinary man, only a little smaller and a little more cheeky. By the way, is there much difference between "the New Woman's hat" and the woman's new hat? The query would make a good one for a French Exercise Book.

ART was once defined as "the creation of new forms of beauty. Our juvenile geniuses have altered all that. "The New Art" is better defined as "the creation of novel forms of ugliness." Its inspiration is Corruption, its auxiliaries are the two hideous imps, Scratch and Smudge. Old Art, with its bosh about beauty, its rot about romance, its fudge about finish, its twaddle about taste, will be good enough to take a back seat. Apollo the Inspirer must give way to the sooty imp and incubus, New Scratch !--

RAPHAEL? Ideal Beauty spoiled his Art!
REMBRANDT? Of light and shade he was no judge
The Hideous now must play the leading part,
Chiaroscuro yield to Shapeless Smudge

QUOTATION FROM BYRON FOR THE EMPEROR OF JAPAN.
AGAIN he urges on his wild Korea."-.
-Mazeppa.

Wheel and Whoa!

THE popular wheel, so the French doctors say,
Is the worst enemy of the popular weal.
Academies of science scarce will stay

The devastations of the steed of steel.
The scorcher will deride as a bad joke

Attempts in his wild wheel to put a spoke

INSTRUMENT FOR AN ANTI-BIRMINGHAM BAND.-The Ban-Joe.

Dorothy. "I WONDER WHY MEN TAKE THEIR HATS OFF IN CHURCH, AND WOMEN DON'T!"

Michael. "OH, DOROTHY, JUST THINK OF ALL THE LOOKING-GLASSES THERE'D HAVE TO BE IN EVERY PEW!"

THE YOUNG PRETENDER.

Madame a République. "WHAT WILL YOU DO-SAVE SCRIBBLE AND ORATE ?

WERE YOU INDEED-AH ME!-THAT STRONG MAN ARMED
FOR WHOM SO LONG I'VE WAITED, AND STILL WAIT;

THEN, THEN PERCHANCE, I MIGHT-WHO KNOWS?-BE CHARMED
TO LILY-GIRT LEGITIMIST WAYS OF YORE.

AT PRESENT 'TIS BUT-ONE PRETENDER MORE!"