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And for tricks that are vain, The heathen Chinee is peculiar :

Which the same I would rise to explain.

Which is why I remark,

And my language is plain,
That for ways that are dark,

And for tricks that are vain,
The heathen Chinee is peculiar –
Which the same I am free to maintain.


Ah Sin was his name ;

And I shall not deny In regard to the same

What that name might imply; But his smile it was pensive and childlike,

As I frequent remarked to Bill Nye.


It was August the third,

And quite soft was the skies, Which it might be inferred

That Ah Sin was likewise : Yet he played it that day upon William

And me in a way I despise.

Which we had a small game,

And Ah Sin took a hand :
It was euchre. The same

He did not understand ;
But he smiled, as he sat by the table,

With the smile that was childlike and bland.

Good reader, if you e'er have seen,

When Phæbus hastens to his pillow, The mermaids, with their tresses green,

Dancing upon the western billow ; If you have seen at twilight dim, When the lone spirit's vesper-hymn

Floats wild along the winding shore, If you have seen through mist of eve The fairy train their ringlets weave, Glancing along the spangled green ;

If you have seen all this, and more, God bless me! what a deal you've seen!


Yet the cards they were stocked

In a way that I grieve,
And my feelings were shocked

At the state of Nye's sleeve,
Which was stuffed full of aces and bowers,

And the same with intent to deceive.


AN EPIGRAM. Men dying make their wills - but wives

Escape a work so sad ; Why should they make what all their lives

The gentle' dames have had !

But the hands that were played

By that heathen Chinee,
And the points that he made,

Were quite frightful to see —
Till at last he put down a right bower,

Which the same Nye had dealt unto me.

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Then I looked up at Nye,

And he gazed upon me; And he rose with a sigh,

And said, “Can this be ? We are ruined by Chinese cheap labor," —

And he went for that heathen Chinee,

In the scene that ensued

I did not take a hand, But the floor it was strewed

Like the leaves on the strand With the cards that Ah Sin had been hiding

In the game “he did not understand.”

BACHELOR'S HALL, what a comical place it is!

Keep me from such all the days of my life! Sure but he knows what a burning disgrace it is,

Never at all to be getting a wife. See the old bachelor, gloomy and sad enough,

Fussing around while he's making his fire; His kettle has tipt up,och, honey, he's mad enough,

If he were present, to fight with the squire ! Pots, dishes, and pans, and such other com

modities, Ashes and praty-skins, kiver the floor; His cupboard a storehouse of comical oddities,

Things never thought of as neighbors before. When his mealitis over, the table's left sittin' so ;

Dishes, take care of yourselves if you can; Devil a drop of hot water will visit ye.

Och, let him alone for a baste of a man!

In his sleeves, which were long,

He had twenty-four packs – Which was coming it strong,

Yet I state but the facts. And we found on his nails, which were taper

What is frequent in tapers -- that's wax.

Now, like a pig in a mortar-bed wallowing. This Gineral great then tuck his sate,

See the old bachelor kneading his dough; With all the other ginerals,
Troth, if his bread he can ate without swallowing, (Bedad, his troat, his belt, his coat,
How it would help his digestion, ye know! All bleezed with precious minerals ;)

And as he there, with princely air,
Late in the night, when he goes to bed shivering,

ring, Recloinin on his cushion was, Never the bit is his bed made at all;

All round about his royal chair, So he creeps like a terrapin under the kivering ;

The squeezin and the pushin was. Bad luck to the pictur of Bachelor's Hall !


| O Pat, such girls, such Jukes and Earls,
| Such fashion and nobilitee!

Just think of Tim, and fancy him
MR. MOLONY'S ACCOUNT OF THE BALL| Amidst the hoigh gentility !


Ministher and his lady there,

And I reckonized, with much surprise, 0, WILL ye choose to hear the news ?

Our messmate, Bob O'Grady, there;
Bedad, I cannot pass it o'er :
I'll tell you all about the ball

| There was Baroness Brunow, that looked like Juno, To the Naypaulase Ambassador.

And Baroness Rehausen there, Begor ! this fête all balls does bate,

| And Countess Roullier, that looked peculiar At which I worn a pump, and I

Well, in her robes of gauze in there. Must here relate the splendthor great

There was Lord Crowhurst (I knew him first Of th’Oriental Company.

When only Mr. Pips he was), These men of sinse dispoised expinse,

| And Mick O'Toole, the great big fool, To fête these black Achilleses.

That after supper tipsy was. “We'll show the blacks," says they, “Almack's, | There was Lord Fingall and his ladies all, And take the rooms at Willis's."

And Lords Killeen and Dufferin, With flags and shawls, for these Nepauls,

And Paddy Fife, with his fat wife, They hung the rooms of Willis up,

I wondther how he could stuff her in. And decked the walls and stairs and halls

There was Lord Belfast, that by me past, With roses and with lilies up.

And seemed to ask how should I go there? And Jullien's band it tuck its stand

And the Widow Macrae, and Lord A. Hay, So sweetly in the middle there,

And the Marchioness of Sligo there. And soft bassoons played heavenly chunes,

Yes, Jukes and Earls, and diamonds and pearls, And violins did fiddle there.

And pretty girls, was spoorting there ; And when the Coort was tired of spoort,

And some beside (the rogues !) I spied, I'd lave you, boys, to think there was

Behind the windies, coorting there. A nate buffet before them set,

0, there's one I know, bedad, would show Where lashins of good dhrink there was !

As beautiful as any there; At ten before the ball-room door,

And I'd like to hear the pipers blow, His moighty Excellency was ;

And shake a fut with Fanny there! He smoiled and bowed to all the crowd,

So gorgeous and immense he was.
His dusky shuit, sublime and mute,
Into the door-way followed him ;

And ( the noise of the blackguard boys,
As they hurrood and hollowed him !


OF O'RYAN, IGNORANTLY AND FALSELY SPELLED ORION. The noble Chair stud at the stair,

O’RYAN was a man of might And bade the dthrums to thump ; and he

Whin Ireland was a nation, Did thus evince to that Black Prince

But poachin' was his heart's delight The welcome of his Company.

And constant occupation. O fair the girls, and rich the curls,

He had an ould militia gun, And bright the oys, you saw there, was ;

And sartin sure his aim was ; And fixed each oye, ye there could spoi,

He gave the keepers many a run, On Gineral Jung Bahawther was !

And would n't mind the game laws.


He weeps o'er the modern corruption,

Compared with the good old times,
And don't know what is the matter

With the Upper Jura limes !

The hoary old Plesiosaurus

Does naught but quaff and roar;
And the Pterodactylus lately

Flew drunk to his own front door!

The Iguanodon of the Period

Grows worse with every stratum ;
He kisses the Ichthyosauresses

Whenever he can get at 'em !

St. Pathrick wanst was passin' by

O'Ryan's little houldin',
And, as the saint felt wake and dhry,

He thought he'd enther bould in. “O'Ryan,” says the saint, “avick!

To praich at Thurles I 'm goin'; So let me have a rasher quick,

And a dhrop of Innishowen." “No rasher will I cook for you

While betther is to spare, sir,
But here's a jug of mountain dew,

And there's a rattlin' hare, sir."
St. Pathrick he looked mighty sweet,

And says he, “Good luck attind you,
And when you 're in your windin' sheet,

It's up to heaven I'll sind you." O'Ryan gave his pipe a whiff, —

" Them tidin's is thransportin', But may I ax your saintship if

There 's any kind of sportin'?”. St. Pathrick said, “A Lion's there,

Two Bears, a Bull, and Cancer" — “ Bedad,” says Mick, “the huntin 's rare;

St. Pathrick, I'm your man, sir.” So, to conclude my song aright,

For fear I'd tire your patience,
You 'll see O'Ryan any night

Amid the constellations.
And Venus follows in his track

Till Mars grows jealous raally,
But, faith, he fears the Irish knack

Of handling the shillaly.

I feel a catastrophe coming;

This epoch will soon be done,
And what will become of the Jura

If such goings-on go on?

The groaning Ichthyosaurus

Turns suddenly chalky pale ;
He sighs from his steaming nostrils,

He writhes with his dying tail !

In that self-same hour and minute

Died the whole Saurian stem, –
The fossil-oil in their liquor

Soon put'an end to them !

And the poet found their story

Which here he doth indite,
In the form of a petrified album-leaf
Upon a coprolite !






[This curious specimen of German scientific humor refers to the

A GEOLOGICAL ADDRESS. close of the Jurassic (or Liassic) period and the beginning of the Cretaceous, and describes the sad forebodings of a venerable Sau.

("A human skull has been found in California, in the pliocene for rian, who sees in the degeneracy of the times a sign of the coming

mation. This skull is the remnant, not only of the earliest pioneer cataclysm.

of this State, but the oldest known human being. . . . . The skull The translator says. “ Among the many extraordinary liberties

was found in a shaft one hundred and fifty feet deep, two miles which we have felt obliged to take with the letter of the original, in from Angel's, in Calaveras County, by a miner named James Matorder to preserve as far as possible its spirit and its flowing move-son, who gave it to Mr. Scribner, a inerchant, and he gave it to Dr. ment, the most violent is the substitution in the last stanza but one,

Te the substitution in the last stanza but one. Jones, who sent it to the State Geological Survey..... The pub. of an entirely new (and poor) joke for the very neat, but untrans. | lished volume of the State Survey on the Geology of California latable you of the Gerinan. The last two lines of the stanza are : states that man existed contemporaneously with the mastodon, but "Sie kamen zu tief in die Kreide ;

this fossil proves that he was here before the mastodon was known

to exist." — Daily Paper.) Da war es natürlich vorbei. The literal meaning is, They got too deep in the chalk, and it was, of course, all up with them. The allusion is to the score

| “SPEAK, Oman, less recent! Fragmentary fossil ! chalked up by a landlord against some bibulous but impecunious customer; and the notion that the Saurians ran up so large an ac.

Hid in lowest drifts below the earliest stratum count for drinks that the chalk required to mark their indebtedness smothered the whole race, and brought on the Cretaceous or chalk

Of Volcanic tufa! period, is so absurdly funny that it is a pity to sacrifice it.")

THERE's a rustling in the rushes,.

There's a flashing in the sea,
There's a tearful Ichthyosaurus

Swims hither mournfully!

Older than the beasts, the oldest Palæotherium ;
Older than the trees, the oldest Cryptogamia ;
Older than the hills, those infant eruptions

Of earth's epidermis !

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But, sure, I think that I can drink

The tail of the steed pointed south on the dale, With any that wears a hood.

’T was the friar's road home, straight and Though I go bare, take ye no care ;

level; I am nothing a-cold,

But, when spurred, a horse follows his nose, not I stuff my skin so full within

his tail, Of jolly good ale and old.

So he scampered due north, like a devil : Back and side go bare, go bare ;

“This new mode of docking,” the friar then said, Both foot and hand go cold;

“I perceive does n't make a horse trot ill; But, belly, God send thee good ale enough, And’t is cheap, — for he never can eat off his head Whether it be new or old !

While I am engaged at the bottle,

Which goes gluggity, gluggity - glug I love no roast but a nut-brown toast,

- glug - glug.”
And a crab laid in the fire';
A little bread shall do me stead,
Much bread I not desire.

The steed made a stop, — in a pond he had got, No frost nor show, nor wind, I trow,

He was rather for drinking than grazing; Can hurt me if I wold, –

Quoth the friar, “'T is strange headless horses I am so wrapt, and thorowly lapt

should trot, Of jolly good ale and old.

But to drink with their tails is amazing!" Back and side go bare, go bare, etc.

Turning round to see whence this phenomenon

rose, And Tyb, my wife, that as her life

In the pond fell this son of a pottle ; Loveth well good ale to seek,

Quoth he,“ The head 's found, for I'm under his Full oft drinks she, till you may see

nose, The tears run down her cheek;

I wish I were over a bottle, Then doth she trowl to me the bowl,

Which goes gluggity, gluggity — glug Even as a malt-worm should ;

- glug - glug." And saith, “Sweetheart, I took my part

Of this jolly good ale and old.”
Back and side go bare, go bare, etc.
Now let them drink till they nod and wink,

Even as good fellows should do ;
They shall not miss to have the bliss

Good ale doth bring men to ;
And all poor souls that have scoured bowls,

COME! fill a fresh bumper, for why should we Or have them lustily trowled,

go God save the lives of them and their wives,

logwood Whether they be young or old !

While the Hertar still reddens our cups as they Back and side go bare, go bare;

flow! Both foot and hand go

Pour out the rich jhiees still bright with the sun, But, belly, God send thee good ale enough,

dye-stuff Whether be now or old !

Till o'er the brimmed crystal the rubies shall run. JOHN STILL

ball-ripened apples

The purple stebert elusters their life-dews have

How sweet is the breath of the fragrihen they shett!

rank polsons A JOLLY fat friar loved liquor good store, For summer's best wes lie hid in the wintes And he had drunk stoutly at supper;

stable boys smoking long-nines He mounted his horse in the night at the door,

That were garnered by maidens who taughted And sat with his face to the crupper:

Hrough the vizes. “Some rogne," quoth the friar, “quite dead to remorse,




bled ;


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Then a guile, anda adatti, and a trest, and a etreer, Some thief, whom a halter will throttle,

strychnine and whiskey, and ratsbane and beer Some scoundrel has cut off the head of my horse, For all the guest wint, Aht he've note of it here ! While I was engaged at the bottle,

In cellar, in pantry, in attie, in hall,

Down, down with the tyrant that masters us all 1
Which went gluggity, gluggity - glug Long lito tie saty ***** Hinterghs for Healt!

- glug - glug."




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