There duly bound for four years more,
To ply the philosophic oa:,
Points metaphysical to moot,
Chop logic, wrangle, and dispute;
And now, by far the most ambitious
Of all the sons of Bergersdicius,
Present the law with all the knowledge
You gathered both at school and college,
Still bent on adding to your store
The graces of a Pleader's lore,
And, better to improve your taste,
Are by your parents' fondness placed
Among the blest, the chosen few,
(Blest, if their happiness they knew,)
Who, for three hundred guineas paid
To some great master of the trade,
Have, at his rooms, by special favor,
His leave to use their best endeavor,
By drawing pleas from nine till four,
To earn him twice three hundred more;
And after dinner may repair
To 'foresaid rooms, and then and there
Have 'foresaid leave from five till ten,
To draw the aforesaid pleas again."
Then he favors his pupil with a bit of his own history, which seems to me capital :
"Whoe'er has drawn a special plea,
Has heard of old Tom Tewksbury;
Deaf as a post and thick as mustard,
He aimed at wit, and bawled and blustered,
And died a Nisi prius leader-
That genius was my special pleader.
That great man's office I attended,
By Hawk and Buzzard recommended;
Attorneys both of wondrous skill
To pluck the goose and drive the quill.
Three years I sat his smoky room in,
Pens, paper, pounce and ink consuming;
The fourth, when Essoign day begun,
Joyful I hailed the auspicious sun,
Bade Tewksbury and clerk adieu;
*Purification Eighty-two
* The Purification of the Virgin Mary is one of the return days of Hilary Term.
Of both I washed my hands; and though
With nothing for my cash to show
But precedents, so scrawled and blurred
I scarce could read one single word,
Nor in my book of commonplace
One feature of the law could trace,
Save Buzzard's nose and visage thin
And Hawk's deficiency of chin,
Which I, while lolling at my ease,
Was wont to draw instead of pleas;
Yet chambers I equipt complete,
Hired books, made friends, and gave to eat.
If, haply, to regale my friends on,
My mother sent a haunch of ven'son,
I most respectfully entreated
The choicest company to eat it;
To wit, old Buzzard, Hawk, and Crow,
Item, Tom Thornback, Shark, and Co.,
Attorneys all, as keen and staunch
As e'er devoured a client's haunch;
Nor did I not their clerks invite
To taste said venison hashed at night;
For well I knew that hopeful fry
My rising merit would descry,
The same litigious course pursue,
And, when to fish of prey they grew,
By love of food and contest led,
Would haunt the spot where once they fed. Thus having with due circumspection
Formed my professional connection,
My desk with precedents I strewed,
Turned critic, danced, or penned an ode,
Studied the ton, became a free
And easy man of gallantry;
But if, while capering at my glass,
Or toying with some favorite lass,
I heard the aforesaid Hawk a-coming,
Or Buzzard on the staircase humming,
At once the fair angelic maid
Into my coal-hole I conveyed;
At once, with serious look profound,
And eyes commercing with the ground,
I seemed as one estranged to sleep,
And fixed, in cogitation deep,
Sate motionless; while in my hand I
Held my Doctrina Placitandi.
And though I never read a page in 't,
Thanks to that shrewd, well-judging agent,
My sister's husband, Mr. Shark,
Soon got six pupils and a clerk.
Five pupils were my stint, the other
I took to compliment his mother."
This piece of autobiography seems to me admirable for its neatness and point, its humor and its good-humor. The termination of the poem is a trial of matchless pleasantry between John-aGull and John-a-Gudgeon, for an assault at an election. I transcribe the commencement and part of the opening speech, a piece of legal comedy which will make its way even with the least learned reader :—
For the Plaintiff, Mr. Counselor BOTHER'UM.-For the Defendant, Mr. Counselor BORE'UM.-Mr. BOTHER'UM Opens the pleadings. His speech at length.
"I rise with pleasure, I assure ye,
With transport to accost a jury,
Of your known conscientious feeling,
Candor and honorable dealing,
From Middlesext discreetly chosen,
(A worthy and an upright dozen.)
This action, gentlemen, is brought,
By John-a-Gudgeon for a tort-"
Our French will serve us for this legal word, which is, I suppose, old Norman French, pronounced English-wise, but signifying a wrong, as one might guess from the modern tongue.
"By John-a-Gudgeon for a tort;
The pleadings state 'that John-a-Gull,
With envy, wrath, and malice full,
With swords, knives, sticks, staves, fist, and bludgeon,
Beat, bruised, and wounded John-a-Gudgeon.'"
This prodigious accumulation of weapons, as well as the "twelve pots, twelve mugs," and so forth, to which we are coming, is an imitation of the real law fictions and endless repe
* As taken by an eminent short-hand writer.
+ Middlesex. This being an election affray, the venue is supposed to have been changed upon the usual affidavit, for the sake of a more fair and impartial trial before a Middlesex jury.
titions which result from the circumstance of nothing being allowed to be proven at a trial that has not been named in the indictinent, whereas there is no rule to compel the proof of more than the counsel think essential to the case; it is, therefore, really usual to provide against all contingencies by enumerating far more particulars than are likely to be brought forward. Lawyers will best feel the satire, but all can enjoy the fun :—
"First count's for that with divers jugs,
To wit, twelve pots, twelve cups, twelve mugs,
Of certain vulgar drink, called toddy,
Said Gull did sluice said Gudgeon's body.
The second count's for other toddy,
Thrown by said Gull on Gudgeon's body;
To wit, his gold-laced hat and hair on,
And clothes which he had then and there on:
To wit, twelve jackets, twelve surtouts,
Twelve pantaloons, twelve pair of boots,
Which did thereby much discompose
Said Gudgeon's mouth, eyes, ears, and nose,
Back, stomach, neck, thighs, feet and toes;
By which and other wrongs unheard of,
His clothes were spoilt and life despaired of.
To all these counts the plea I find,
Is son assault and issue's joined."
Here our French helps us again, and the common expression of joining issue. Now for Counselor Bother'um's history of the battle. The watery names are very happy :
"Such, gentlemen, is word for word,
The story told on this record.
The fray was at a feast or revel,
At Toadland, on the Bedford Level,
Given, as was usual at elections,
By Gudgeon to his Fen connections.
They'd had a meeting at the 'Swan'
The day before the poll began,
And hence adjourned it to make merry
With Mr. Coot, who keeps the 'Ferry.'
Now John-a-Gull, who thrusts his nose
Wherever John-a-Gudgeon goes,
To this same feast, without suspicion,
Unasked, it seems, had gained admission.
Coot had just finished an oration,
And Gudgeon, with much approbation,
Was singing an election ballad,
Penned by the ingenious Doctor Mallard,
(That orthodox and learned writer,
Who bids so fairly for a miter;)
When Gull, who heard this song or sonnet,
With Mr. Gudgeon's comments on it;
This Gull, whose very name denoted
The character for whom he voted,
Flourished his knuckles in derision,
And, with much promptness of decision,
Began to pommel and belabor
The short ribs of his peaceful neighbor;
But first with tweaks assailed his nose,
And interspersed said tweaks with blows.
Gudgeon explained, and Gull recourse had
To other tweaks like tweak aforesaid.
Heaven knows a milder, gentler creature
Never was seen in human nature
Than the forbearing and well-judging,
Discreet and gentle John-a-Gudgeon!
And, gentlemen, there's no man's face is
Better received at all your races,
Wells, mouths and water-drinking places;
Was alderman, and mayor elect,
Once had the honor to be pricked
For sheriff, which important station
He gained without solicitation.
No doubt his lordship recognizes
The coat he had on at assizes,
A velveret, genteel and neat,
With tabby lined and frogs complete,
Made for Squire Gudgeon's wedding ball,
When first he came to Webfoot Hall,
An ancient seat in the Isle of Ely,
Where all the Gudgeons live genteelly;
Which coat so trimmed, so frogged, said Gull Did spoil, besmear, snd disannul
With the most villainous libations
Of the most vile of vile potations;
For proof we'll call Gull's worthy friend,
Who keeps a school at Toadland's end;
One Simon Trout, a pious pastor,
And Dr. Tench, who spread the plaster;
And Farmer Chubb, an honest yeoman,
Who speaks the truth and cares for no man;
But above all, to prove our case,
We'll show you Mr. Gudgeon's face,
Where every injured feature pleads
'Gainst John-a-Gull's atrocious deeds;
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