was it proper, continued Trim, (making a bow) to offer a wager before your honours.

There is nothing improper in it, said my father; 'tis a mode of expression; for in saying thou wouldst lay thy Montero-cap to a shilling, all thou meanest is this, that thou believest,

Now, what dost thou believe?

That Widow Wadman, an' please your worship, cannot hold it out ten days.

And whence, cried Slop, jeeringly, hast thou all this knowledge of woman, friend?

By falling in love with a popish clergywoman, said Trim.

'Twas a Beguine, said my uncle Toby.

Doctor Slop was too much in wrath to listen to the distinction; and my father taking that very crisis to fall in helter-skelter upon the whole order of nuns and Beguines, a set of silly, fusty baggages,―Slop could not stand it; and my uncle Toby having some measures to take about his breeches, and Yorick about his fourth general division,-in order for their several attacks next day,-the company broke up; and my father being left alone, and having half an hour upon his hands betwixt that and bed-time, he called for pen, ink, and paper, and wrote my uncle Toby the following letter of instructions:

'My dear brother Toby,

'What I am going to say to thee, is upon the nature of women, and of love-making to them; and perhaps it is as well for thee,though not so well for me,-that thou hast occasion for a letter of instructions upon that head, and that I am able to write it to thee.

'Had it been the good pleasure of Him who disposes of our lots, and thou no sufferer by the knowledge, I had been well content that thou shouldst have dipped the pen this moment into the ink, instead of myself; but that not being the case,- -Mrs. Shandy being now close beside me, preparing for bed,—I have thrown together, without order, and just as they have come into my mind, such hints and documents as I deem may be of use to thee,-intending, in this, to give thee a token of my love; not doubting, my dear Toby, of the manner in which it will be accepted.

'In the first place, with regard to all which concerns religion in the affair,-though perceive, from a glow in my cheek, that I blush as I begin to speak to thee upon the subject, as well knowing, notwithstanding thy unaffected secresy, how few of its offices thou neglectest, yet I would remind thee of one, (during the continuance of thy courtship) in a particular manner, which I would not have omitted; and that is, never to go forth upon the enterprise, whether it be in the morning or the afternoon, without first recommending thyself to the protection of Almighty God, that he may defend thee from the evil one.

Shave the whole top of thy crown clean once at least every four or five days, but oftener if convenient; lest, in taking off thy wig before her, through absence of mind, she should be able to discover how much has been cut away by Time,-how much by Trim.

"Twere better to keep ideas of baldness out of her fancy.

Always carry it in thy mind, and act upon it as a sure maxim, Toby,

That women are timid;' and 'tis well they are,-else there would be no dealing with them.

'Let not thy breeches be too tight, or hang too loose about thy thighs, like the trunk-hose of our ancestors :

A just medium prevents all conclusions.

Whatever thou hast to say, be it more or less, forget not to utter it in a low, soft tone of voice;-silence, and whatever approaches it, weaves dreams of midnight secresy into the brain: for this cause, if thou canst help it, never throw down the tongs and poker.

'Avoid all kinds of pleasantry and facetiousness in thy discourse with her, and do whatever lies in thy power, at the same time, to keep from her all books and writings which tend thereto : there are some devotional tracts, which, if thou canst entice her to read over, it will be well; but suffer her not to look into Rabelais, or Scarron, or Don Quixote :

They are all books which excite laughter; and thou knowest, dear Toby, that there is no passion so serious as lust.

'Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt, before thou enterest her parlour.

And if thou art permitted to sit upon the same sofa with her, and she gives thee occasion to lay thy hand upon hers,-beware of taking it ;-thou canst not lay thy hand on hers, but she will find the temper of thine.-Leave that, and as many other things as thou canst, quite undetermined; by so doing, thou wilt have her curiosity on thy side; and if she is not conquered by that, and thy ass continues still kicking, which there is great reason to suppose,-thou must begin, with first losing a few ounces of blood below the ears, according to the practice of the ancient Scythians, who cured the most intemperate fits of the appetite by that

means.

'Avicenna, after this, is for having the part anointed with the syrup of hellebore, using proper evacuations and purges;-and I

believe rightly.-But thou must eat little or no goat's flesh, nor red deer, nor even foal's flesh, by any means;-and carefully abstain, that is, as much as thou canst, from peacocks, cranes, coots, didappers, and water-hens.

As for thy drink, I need not tell thee, it must be the infusion of vervain and the herb hanea, of which Ælian relates such effects; -but if thy stomach palls with it,-discontinue it from time to time, taking cucumbers, melons, purslain, water-lilies, woodbine, and lettuce, in the stead of them.

'There is nothing farther for thee which occurs to me at present,

Unless the breaking out of a fresh war.-So wishing every thing, dear Toby, for the best,

'I rest thy affectionate brother,

'WALTER SHANDY."

CHAPTER CCLXXIX.

Whilst my father was writing his letter of instructions, my uncle Toby and the Corporal were busy in preparing every thing for the attack. As the turning of the thin scarlet breeches was laid aside, (at least for the present) there was nothing which should put it off beyond the next morning; so, accordingly, it was resolved upon for eleven o'clock.

Come, my dear, said my father to my mother, 'twill be but like a brother and sister, if you and I take a walk down to my brother Toby's, to countenance him in this attack of his.

My uncle Toby and the Corporal had been accoutred both some time, when my father and mother entered, and the clock striking eleven, were that moment in motion to sally forth;-but the account of this is worth more than to be wove into the fag end of the eighth volume1 of such a work as this.-My father had no time but to put the letter of instructions into my uncle Toby's coat-pocket, and join with my mother in wishing his attack prosperous.

I could like, said my mother, to look through the

1 Alluding to the first edition.

key-hole, out of curiosity. Call it by its right name, my dear, quoth my father,

And look through the key-hole as long as you will.

CHAPTER CCLXXX.

I call all the powers of time and chance, which severally check us in our careers in this world, to bear me witness, that I could never yet get fairly to my uncle Toby's amours, till this very moment, that my mother's curiosity, as she stated the affair,—or a different impulse in her, as my father would have it,— wished her to take a peep at them through the keyhole.

Call it, my dear, by its right name,' quoth my father, and look through the key-hole as long as you will.'

Nothing but the fermentation of that little subacid humour, which I have often spoken of, in my father's habit, could have vented such an insinuation ;-he was, however, frank and generous in his nature, and at all times open to conviction; so that he had scarce got to the last word of this ungracious retort, when his conscience smote him.

My mother was then conjugally swinging with her left arm twisted under his right, in such wise, that the inside of her hand rested upon the back of his;-she raised her fingers, and let them fall, it could scarce be called a tap; or, if it was a tap,-'twould have puzzled a casuist to say, whether 'twas a tap of remonstrance or a tap of confession: my father, who was all sensibilities from head to foot, classed it right; -Conscience redoubled her blow;-he turned his face suddenly the other way; and my mother, supposing his body was about to turn with it, in order to move homewards, by a cross-movement of her right leg,

keeping her left as its centre, brought herself so far in front, that, as he turned his head, he met her eye.— Confusion again! he saw a thousand reasons to wipe out the reproach, and as many to reproach himself:a thin, blue, chill, pellucid crystal, with all its humours so at rest, the least mote or speck of desire might have been seen at the bottom of it, had it existed;—it did not:-and how I happen to be so lewd myself, particularly a little before the vernal and autumnal equinoxes,-Heaven above knows;-my mother, madam, was so at no time, either by nature, by institution, or example.

A temperate current of blood ran orderly through her veins in all months of the year, and in all critical moments both of the day and night alike; nor did she superinduce the least heat into her humours from the manual effervescences of devotional tracts, which, having little or no meaning in them, Nature is ofttimes obliged to find one; and, as for my father's example, 'twas so far from being either aiding or abetting thereunto, that 'twas the whole business of his life to keep all fancies of that kind out of her head;-Nature had done her part to have spared him this trouble; and, what was not a little inconsistent, my father knew it. -And here am I sitting, this 12th day of August, 1766, in a purple jerkin and yellow pair of slippers, without either wig or cap on, a most tragi-comical completion of his prediction, That I should neither think nor act like any other man's child, upon that very account.'

The mistake of my father was, in attacking my mother's motive instead of the act itself: for, certainly, key-holes were made for other purposes; and, considering the act as an act which interfered with a true proposition, and denied a key-hole to be what it was, it became a violation of nature; and was so far, you see, criminal.

It is for this reason, an' please your reverences,