There is nothing in it out of doors and in broad daylight, where a woman has a power, physically speaking, of viewing a man in more lights than one;-but here, for her soul, she can see him in no light without mixing something of her own goods and chattels along with him,—till, by reiterated acts of such combinations, he gets foisted into her inventory, -And then good-night. But this is not matter of system; for I have delivered that above:-nor is it matter of breviary; for I make no man's creed but my own:-nor matter of fact, at least that I know of; but 'tis matter copulative, and introductory to what follows. CHAPTER CCLIII. I do not speak it with regard to the coarseness or cleanness of them,-or the strength of their gussets,but pray, do not night-shifts differ from day-shifts as much in this particular, as in any thing else in the world, that they so far exceed the others in length, that, when you are laid down in them, they fall almost as much below the feet as the day-shifts fall short of them? Widow Wadman's night-shifts (as was the mode, I suppose, in King William's and Queen Anne's reigns) were cut, however, after this fashion; and, if the fashion is changed (for in Italy they are come to nothing) -so much the worse for the public; they were two Flemish ells and a half in length; so that, allowing a moderate woman two ells, she had half an ell to spare, to do what she would with. Now, from one little indulgence gained after another, in the many bleak and Decemberly nights of a seven years widowhood, things had insensibly come to this pass, and, for the last two years, had got esta 1 blished into one of the ordinances of the bed-chamber, —that as soon as Mrs. Wadman was put to bed, and had got her legs stretched down to the bottom of it, of which she always gave Bridget notice,-Bridget, with all suitable decorum, having first opened the bedclothes at the feet, took hold of the half-ell of cloth we are speaking of, and having gently, and with both her hands, drawn it downwards to its farthest extension, and then contracted it again side-long by four or five even plaits, she took a large corking-pin out of her sleeve, and, with the point directed towards her, pinned the plaits all fast together, a little above the hem; which done, she tucked all in tight at the feet, and wished her mistress a good night. This was constant, and without any other variation than this; that, on shivering and tempestuous nights, when Bridget untucked the feet of the bed, &c. to do this, she consulted no thermometer but that of her own passions; and so performed it standing,-kneeling, or squatting, according to the different degrees of faith, hope, and charity she was in, and bore towards her mistress that night. In every other respect, the etiquette was sacred, and might have vied with the most mechanical one of the most inflexible bed-chamber in Christendom. The first night, as soon as the Corporal had conducted my uncle Toby up stairs, which was about ten, -Mrs. Wadman threw herself into her arm-chair; and crossing her left knee with her right, which formed a resting-place for her elbow, she reclined her cheek upon the palm of her hand, and, leaning forwards, ruminated till midnight upon both sides of the question. The second night she went to her bureau, and, having ordered Bridget to bring her up a couple of fresh candles, and leave them upon the table, she took out her marriage settlement, and read it over with great devotion: and the third night, (which was the last of my uncle Toby's stay) when Bridget had pulled down. the night-shift, and was essaying to stick in the corking-pin,- With a kick of both heels at once, but, at the same time, the most natural kick that could be kicked in her situation ;-for, supposing * * to be the sun in its meridian, it was a northeast kick; she kicked the pin out of her fingers,the etiquette which hung upon it, down, down it fell to the ground, and was shivered into a thousand atoms. From all which, it was plain that Widow Wadman was in love with my uncle Toby. CHAPTER CCLIV. My uncle Toby's head at that time was full of other matters; so that it was not till the demolition of Dunkirk, when all the other civilities of Europe were settled, that he found leisure to return this. This made an armistice (that is, speaking with regard to my uncle Toby,-but, with respect to Mrs. Wadman, a vacancy)-of almost eleven years. But in all cases of this nature, as it is the second blow, happen at what distance of time it will, which makes the fray, -I choose, for that reason, to call these the amours of my uncle Toby with Mrs. Wadman, rather than the amours of Mrs. Wadman with my uncle Toby. This is not a distinction without a difference. It is not like the affair of an old hat cocked,—and a cocked old hat, about which your reverences have so often been at odds with one another;-but there is a difference here in the nature of things; And, let me tell you, gentry, a wide one too. CHAPTER CCLV. Now, as Widow Wadman did love my uncle Toby, -and my uncle Toby did not love Widow Wadman, there was nothing for Widow Wadman to do, but to go on and love my uncle Toby,-or let it alone. Widow Wadman would do neither the one nor the other. -Gracious Heaven!-but I forget I am a little of her temper myself: for whenever it so falls out, which it sometimes does, about the equinoxes, that an earthly goddess is so much this, and that, and t'other, that I cannot eat my breakfast for her,—and that she careth not three halfpence whether I eat my breakfast or no, -Curse on her! and so I send her to Tartary, and from Tartary to Terra del Fuego, and so on to the devil. In short, there is not an infernal niche where I do not take her divinityship and stick it. But as the heart is tender, and the passions in these tides ebb and flow ten times in a minute, I instantly bring her back again; and, as I do all things in extremes, I place her in the very centre of the milky way. Brightest of stars! thou wilt shed thy influence upon some one. -The deuce take her and her influence too,-for, at that word, I lose all patience :-much good may it do him!-By all that is hirsute and gashly! I cry, taking off my furred cap, and twisting it round my finger, I would not give sixpence for a dozen such! - -But 'tis an excellent cap too (putting it upon my head, and pressing it close to my ears)—and warm,and soft; especially if you stroke it the right way;but, alas! that will never be my luck ::-(so here my philosophy is shipwreck'd again.) -No; I shall never have a finger in the pie (so here I break my metaphor). Crust and crumb, Inside and out, Top and bottom;-I detest it, I hate it, I repudiate it;—I'm sick at the sight of it : 'Tis all pepper, devil's dung. By the great arch-cook of cooks, who does nothing, I think, from morning to night, but sit down by the fire-side and invent inflammatory dishes for us, I would not touch it for the world. -O Tristram! Tristram! cried Jenny. O Jenny! Jenny! replied I, and so went on with the next chapter. CHAPTER CCLVI. Not touch it for the world,' did I say? Lord, how I have heated my imagination with this metaphor ! CHAPTER CCLVII. Which shows, let your reverences and worships say what you will of it (for, as for thinking,—all who do think, think pretty much alike both upon it and other matters)-love is certainly, at least alphabetically speaking, one of the most A gitating, Devilish affairs of life ;- -the most Futilitous, |