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CHAPTER I.

MY CHILDHOOD.

I was born, October 16, 1777, in Coventry, Tolland County State of Connecticut, North America. My parents were born in the same town and descended from English ancestors. They had a son, and then three daughters, older than myself, and one daughter younger; they were very tender toward their children, and endeavored to educate them well, both in religion, and common learning.

When I was two years old, I was taken sick; my parents having been a long journey, and returning homewards, heard that I was dead, and expected to meet the people returning from the funeral.But to their joy I was living, and recovered.

When I was near four years old, while at play, I suddenly fell into a muse about God, and heaven and hell, about which I had heard so much, so that I forgot my play, which my companion observing, desired to know the cause; I asked him if he ever said his prayers; he replied "no;" then said I, you are wicked, and I will not play with you; so I left him and went into the house.

Being a few days in another neighborhood, I associated with one that would swear and lie, which proved harm to me; but these serious impressions continued until my eighth year, when my parents removed to another vicinity, the youth of which were very corrupt; and on joining their company, I too soon learned their ways, grieved the tender feelings of my mind, and began to promise myself felicity, when I should arrive at manhood.

After I had arrived at the age of twelve years, my hopes of worldly pleasure were greatly blasted by an illness, occasioned by overheating myself, and drinking a quantity of cold water. I murmured and complained, thinking my lot harder than my companions'; for they enjoyed health, whilst I was troubled with an asthmatical disorder, or stoppage of breath. O the pain that I endured! Sometimes I could lie several nights together and sleep sound, and at others, I had to sit up part or all night. At times I could

not lie down at all for six or seven days together-but as yet did not consider that the hand of God was in all this. About this time I dreamed that I saw the prophet Nathan, in a large assembly of people, prophecying many things. I asked him how long I should live. Said he, until you are two-and-twenty. This dream was so imprinted in my mind, that it caused many serious and painful hours at intervals.

When past the age of thirteen years, and about the time that John Wesley died, (1791) it pleased God to awaken my mind by a dream of the night, which was, that an old man came to me at mid day, having a staff in his hand, and said he to me, do you ever pray? I told him, no. Said he, you must, and then went away; he had not been long gone before he returned, and said again, do you pray? I again said, no; and after his departure I went out of doors and was taken up by a whirlwind above the skies. At length I saw through a mist of darkness and across a gulf, a glorious place, in which was a throne of ivory, overlaid with gold, and God sitting upon it, and Jesus at his right hand, and angels and glorified spirits celebrating praise. I thought the angel Gabriel came to the verge of heaven with a trumpet in his right hand, and cried to me with a loud voice to know if I desired to get there. I told him I did.Said he, return to earth, be faithful, and you shall come in the end.

With reluctance I left the beautiful sight, and hastened back; and then I thought the old man came to me the third time, and inquired if I prayed. I told him I did. Then said he, be faithful, and I will come and let you know again. I thought that was to be when I should be blest; and when I awoke behold it was a dream. It was strongly impressed on me, that this dream must be from God— and the way that I should know it, I should let my father know of it at such a time, and place, viz: as he would be feeding the cattle in the morning, which I did; and no sooner had I done, than conviction seized me. I knew my unfitness to die. Tears began to flow, and I again resolved to seek salvation. I began that day to pray in secret, but how to pray, or what to pray for, I scarcely knew. I at once broke off from my old companions and evil practices.

If I now had any one to instruct me in the way and plan or salvation, I could have got along, but alas! I soon felt myself in the

dark without a guide. The Bible was like a sealed book, so mysterious I could not understand it. But in order to have it explained, I applied to this person, and that book, but got no satisfaction. I frequently wished I had lived in the days of the prophets or apostles, that I could have sure guides; for by the misconduct of professors, I thought there were no Bible saints in the land. Thus did many months of sorrow roll heavily away.

But at length, not finding what my soul desired, I began to examine the cause more closely, if possible to find it out; and immediately the doctrine of unconditional reprobation and particular election, was exhibited to my view; that the state of all was unalterably fixed by God's "eternal decrees." Here discouragements arose. and I began to slacken my hand by degrees; antil I entirely left off secret prayer, and could not bear to read, or hear the Scriptures, saying, if God has fore-ordained whatever comes to pass, then all our labors are vain.

Feeling still condemnation in my breast, I concluded myself reprobated: despair of mercy arose, hope was fled; and I was resolved to end my wretched life; concluding the longer I live, the more sin I shall commit, and the greater my punishment will be; but the shorter my life, the less sin, and of course the less punishment, and the sooner I shall know the worst of my case; accordingly I loaded a gun, and withdrew to a wilderness.

As I was about to put my intention into execution, a sudden solemn thought darted into my mind, "stop and consider what you are about; if you end your life, you are undone forever; but if you omit it a few days longer, it may be that something will turn up in your favor." This was attended with a small degree of hope, that if I waited a little while, it should not be altogether in vain; and I thought I felt thankful that God prevented me from sending my soul to everlasting misery.

About this time there was much talk about the people called Methodists, who were lately come into the western part of New England. There were various reports and opinions concerning them, some saying that they were the deceivers that were to come in the last times; that such a delusive spirit attended them, that it was dangerous to hear them preach, lest they should lead people out of the good old way, which they had been brought up in; that they

would deceive if possible the very elect; some on the other hand said they were a good sort of people.

A certain man invited Hope Hull to come to his own town, who appointed a time when he would endeavor, if possible, to comply with his request. The day arrived, and the people flocked out from every quarter to hear, as they supposed, a new gospel: and I went to the door and looked in to see a Methodist; but to my surprise he appeared like other men. I heard him preach from-"this is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners." And I thought he told me all that ever I did.

The next day he preached from these words: "Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no Physician there? Why then is not the health of the daughter of my people recovered? Jer. viii, 22.

As he drew the analogy between a person sick of a consumption and a sin-sick soul, he endeavored also to show how the real balm of Gilead would heal the consumption; and to spiritualize it, in the blood of Christ healing the soul; in which he described the way to heaven, and pointed out the way marks; which I had never heard described so clearly before. By which means I was convinced that this man enjoyed something that I was destitute of, consequently that he was a servant of God.

He then got upon the application, and pointing his finger towards me, made this expression: "Sinner there is a frowning Providence above your head, and a burning hell beneath your feet, and nothing but the brittle thread of life prevents your soul from falling into endless perdition. But, says the sinner, what must I do? You must pray. But I can't pray. If you don't pray then you'll be damned; and, as he brought out the last expression, he either stamped with his foot on the box on which he stood, or smote with his hand upon the bible, which both together came home like a dagger to my heart. I had liked to have fallen backwards from my seat, but saved myself by catching hold of my cousin who sat by my side, and I durst not stir for some time for fear, lest I should tumble into hell. My sins, and the damnable nature of them, were in a moment exhibited to my view, and I was convinced that I was unprepared to die.