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The Distresses of a modest Man.

Y father was a farmer of no great property,

MY and with no other learning than what he had

acquired at a charity-fchool; but my mother being dead, and I an only child, he determined to give me that advantage, which he fancied would have made him happy, viz. a learned education.-I was fent to a country grammar-school, and from thence to the University, with a view of qualifying for holy orders. Here, having but a small allowance from my father, and being naturally of a timid and bafhful difpofition, I had no opportunity of rubbing off that native aukwardnefs, which is the fatal caufe of all my unhappinefs, and which I now begin to fear can never be amended. You must know, that in my perfon I am tall and thin, with a fair complexion, and light flaxen hair; but of fuch extreme fufceptibility of fhame, that, on the fmalleft fubject of confufion, my blood all rufhes into my cheeks, and I appear a full-blown rofe. The confeioufnefs of this unhappy failing made me avoid fociety, and I became enamoured of a college life; particularly when I reflected, that the uncouth manners of my father's family

were

were little calculated to improve my outward conduct: I therefore had refolved on living at the University and taking pupils, when two unexpected events greatly altered the pofture of my affairs, viz. my father's death, and the arrival of an uncle from the Indies.

This uncle I had very rarely heard my father mention, and it was generally believed that he was long fince dead, when he arrived in England only a week too late to close his brother's eyes. I am ashamed to confefs, what I believe has been often experienced by those whose education has been better than their parents, that my poor father's ignorance and vulgar language had often made me blush to think I was his fon; and at his death I was not inconfolable for the lofs of that, which I was not unfrequently ashamed to own. My uncle was but little affected, for he had been separated from his brother more than thirty years, and in that time had acquired a fortune which, he used to brag, would make a Nabob happy; in fhort, he had brought over with him the enormous fum of thirty thousand pounds, and upon this he built his hopes of never-ending happiness. While he was planning fchemes of greatness and delight, whether the change of climate might affect him, or what other caufe, I know not, but he was fnatched from all his dreams of joy by a fhort illness, of which he died, leaving me heir to all his property. And now, Sir, behold me at the age of twenty-five, well stocked with Latin, Greek, and Mathematics, poffeffed of an ample fortune, but fo aukward and unverfed in every gentleman-like accomplishment, that I am pointed at by all who see me, as the wealthy learned fool.

I have lately purchased an eftate in the country, which abounds in (what is called) a fashionable neighbourhood; and when you reflect on my parentage and uncouth manner, you will hardly think how much my company is courted by the furrounding families, efpecially by thofe who have marriageable daughters: From thefe gentlemen I have received familiar calls, and the

most

moft preffing invitations; and though I wished to accept their offered friendship, I have repeatedly excused myself under the pretence of not being quite fettled; for the truth is, that when I have rode or walked, with full intention to return their several visits, my heart has failed me as I approached their gates, and I have frequently returned homeward, refolving to try again to

morrow.

However, I at length determined to conquer my timidity, and, three days ago, accepted of an invitation to dine this day with one, whofe open easy manner left me no room to doubt a cordial welcome. Sir THOMAS FRIENDLY, who lives about two miles diftant, is a baronet, with about two thousand pounds a year estate, joining to that I purchased; he has two fons and five daughters, all grown up, and living with their mother and a maiden fifter of Sir THOMAS's at Friendly-Hall, dependent on their father. Confcious of my unpolished gait, I have, for fome time paft, taken private leffons of a Profeffor, who teaches "grown gentlemen to dance;" and though I at first found wonderous difficulty in the art he taught, my knowledge of the mathematics was of prodigious ufe in teaching me the equilibrium of my body, and the due adjustment of the centre of gravity to the five pofitions. Having now acquired the art of walking without tottering, and learned to make a bow, I boldly ventured to obey the baronet's invitation to a family dinner; not doubting but my new acquirements would enable me to see the ladies with tolerable intrepidity: but, alas! how vain are all the hopes of theory when unfupported by habitual practice! As I approached the house, a dinner-bell alarmed my fears, left I had fpoiled the dinner for want of punctuality: impreffed with this idea, I blushed the deepest crimson, as my name was repeatedly announced by the feveral livery fervants, who ushered me into the library, hardly knowing what or whom I faw: At my first entrance I fummoned all my fortitude, and made my new-learned bow to Lady FRIENDLY, but, unfortunately, in bringing back

my

my left foot to the third pofition, I trod upon the gouty toe of poor Sir THOMAS, who had followed clofe at my heels to be the nomenclator of the family. The confufion this occafioned in me is hardly to be conceived, fince none but bashful men can judge of my distress, and of that defcription the number I believe is very fmall. The Baronet's politeness by degrees diffipated my concern; and I was aftonished to fee how far good breeding could enable him to fupprefs his feelings, and to appear with perfect ease after fo painful an accident.

The cheerfulness of her Ladyfhip, and the familiar chat of the young ladies, infenfibly led me to throw off my reserve and sheepishness, till at length I ventured to join in conversation, and even to start fresh fubjects. The library being richly furnished with books in elegant bindings, I conceived Sir THOMAS to be a man of literature, and ventured to give my opinion concerning the several editions of the Greek claffics, in which the Baronet's opinion exactly coincided with my own. To this fubject I was led by obferving an edition of Xeno phon, in fixteen volumes, which (as I had never before heard of fuch a thing) greatly excited my curiofity, and I rose up to examine what it could be: Sir THOMAS faw what I was about, and, (as I fuppofe) willing to fave me the trouble, rofe to take down the book, which made me more eager to prevent him, and, haftily laying my hand on the first volume, I pulled it forcibly; but, lo inftead of books, a board, which by leather and gilding had been made to look like fixteen volumes, came tumbling down, and unluckily pitched upon a Wedgewood ink-stand on the table under it. In vain did Sir THOMAS affure me there was no harm: I faw the ink streaming from an inlaid table on the Turkey carpet, and, fcarce knowing what I did, attempted to ftop its progrefs with my cambric handkerchief. In the height of this confufion we were informed that dinner was ferved up, and I with joy perceived that the bell, which at first had fo alarmed my fears, was only the half-hour dinner-bell.

In

In walking through the hall and fuite of apartments to the dining-room, I had time to collect my fcattered fenfes, and was defired to take my feat betwixt Lady FRIENDLY and her eldest daughter at the table. Since the fall of the wooden Xenophon my face had been continually burning like a fire-brand, and I was just beginning to recover myfelf, and to feel comfortably cool, when an unlooked-for accident rekindled all my heat and blushes. Having fet my plate of foup too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Mifs DINAH, who politely complimented the pattern of my waistcoat, I tumbled the whole scalding contents into my lap. In fpite of an immediate supply of napkins to wipe the surface of my cloaths, my black filk breeches were not stout enough to fave me from the painful effects of this fudden fomentation, and for fome minutes my legs and thighs feemed ftewing in a boiling cauldron; but recollecting how Sir THOMAS had disguised his torture when I trod upon his toe, I firmly bore my pain in filence, and fat with my lower extremities parboiled, amidft the ftifled giggling of the ladies and the fervants.

I will not relate the feveral blunders which I made during the first course, or the distress occafioned by my being defired to carve a fowl, or help to various dishes that stood near me, fpilling a fauce-boat, and knocking down a falt-cellar; rather let me haften to the second course, "where fresh disasters overwhelm'd me quite."

I had a piece of rich sweet pudding on my fork, when Miss LOUISA FRIENDLY begged to trouble me for a pigeon that stood near me; in my hafte, scarce knowing what I did, I whipped the pudding into my mouth, hot as a burning coal; it was impoffible to conceal my agony, my eyes were ftarting from their fockets. At laft, in fpite of fhame and refolution, I was obliged to drop the cause of torment on my plate. Sir THOMAS and the ladies all compaffionated my misfortune, and each advised a different application; one recommended oil, another water, but all agreed that wine was best for drawing out the fire; and a glass of sherry was brought

me