THE HISTORY OF A SIGNATURE. (From Our Life Peer Elect.) ERY DEAR MR. PUNCH,-No doubt the recent discussion about the signature of MR. PARNELL prompted you to apply to me. I will tell you as shortly as I can, my recollections. 66 66 As a boy I used, when addressing my school companions, my nickname "TONK." I fancy this title was bestowed upon me with a view to calling attention to my nose, and referring to my name TUCKER," TONK" was frequently altered into KONK," "TUNK," and SNOUT," ," but I do not remember ever using the latter signatures. After leaving school, I used to sign myself, when writing to the young lady who subsequently honoured me by becoming my wife, "TooTY," but this was a term of endearment that I did not adopt when addressing strangers. After my marriage, at the request of my wife, I invariably signed myself JOHN HAZLEWOOD TUCKER,' ," and "Mr. and Mrs. HAZLEWOOD TUCKER" appeared on our visiting-cards. Later on, when I was honoured with a knighthood for discovering (and advertising) my patent Cedarwood Cough Mixture, I called myself Sir JOHN TUCKER, and my wife was satisfied with "Lady TUCKER." She told me that she preferred it to " HAZLEWOOD TUCKER, which, as she observed, "after all, was double-barrelled, and under the circumstances unnecessary." At this time I occasionally signed myself "JACK" when addressing my brother Tom, and "Your Dear Papa, J. H. T.," when writing to my son and heir, aged seven. NEW STYLE. AT HER GRACE'S GARDEN PARTY. June. Are the ships built that are to take these guns? The ships should be built that are to take these guns, as they were promised to be quite ready for sea last July twelvemonth. But are they ready for sea? No, they are not; but they may be in six months' time. Anywhere outside my native country. Then you have not much confidence in the Government ? On the contrary, I have every confidence in the Government, but should war be declared I think that would be the most appropriate time for self-effacement. 66 66 "NATIONAL ROSE SOCIETY."-"Happy Thought" by a certain Society"? or (this by Colonel HENRY MAPLESON, jun.) a energetic Operatic Manager,-Why not start a National Carl Rosa National Marie Roze Society"? The question of the chances of establishing the very name suggests dreariness) being now under discussion, not a National English Opera House (or "Institute"-why "Institute"? for the first time, the above suggestions may be useful. The Sandalwood Cough Mixture having rendered me a Millionnaire, I have, on the promise of a Life Peerage (which will be bestowed upon KING MILAN V. QUEEN NATALIE.-Checkmate in several moves. me, I have reason to believe, in company with Sir FREDERICK LEIGH-Odd quarrel. King complains of Queen's extravagancies in Milanery TON), arranged in the future merely to sign myself, matters. To which Her Majesty replies that she is never dressed DE TÜCKERVILLE. expensively, though always Nattily. Yours most truly, MR. PUNCH (Amicus Curia). "WHY A SPECIAL COMMISSION, OR A SELECT COMMITTEE, GENTLEMEN? EITHER OF YOU COULD WAKE UP THE PUBLIC PROSECUTOR ;-IT IS ONLY A QUESTION OF WHO'D SPEAK FIRST"?" THE CHURCH HOUSE. AMONG the numerous plans already suggested, the one that we are now enabled to place before the public seems likely to meet with the most favourable consideration. It shows, at all events, whatever be its shortcomings, a laudable attempt to supply a want, and to meet the essential difficulties which prima facie present themselves. M A CELLARS 000 [N.B.- Design quite original. Nobody connected with Metropolitan Board of Works need apply.] A A A. Temporary Offices for aggrieved Parishioners." B. Church Association Department. Carefully walled-up inside, and no communication, not even on business, with C. S.P.G.Society, similarly protected. D. General Entrance, communicating immediately with separate lifts up to the different departments. E. Extremely Low Evangelical. G. Country-Gentlemanly Clergyman I. Moderately High. The windows (-) become narrower at this elevation. Ritualistic Storey. K. Ultra-Ditto. Expensively furnished. Pegs for vestments. LM. Attics for the use of the Rev. F. G. LEE and small party. Airy situation, quite in nubibus. N. Office of Mr. HAWEIS, with (N N) private staircase leading to (N N N) 0. Office of Rev. S. HEADLAM, with (00) private staircase leading to (000) well-appointed Theatre and Music Hall, and an exit to Trafalgar Square. Concert-hall and Fowl-house. Grounds arranged for Lawn Tennis Tournaments (for Bishops only); model farms for Rural Ďeans; summer-houses for Pastoral Plays, &c., &c. JULY JOTTINGS. (Extracted last week from the Journal of an al fresco Pleasure-seeker.) Monday-Go down on invitation to the BILKERBURY'S place in Surrey "to look at their roses and try their strawberries." Raining heavily. Still start. BILKERBURY meets me at station with dog-cart. Says he hardly thought I would come in such weather." Five-mile drive. Pelting the whole way. Arrive drenched. Family depressed. "Try" the strawberries at luncheon. Find them colossal, watery, slug-eaten, and tasteless. BILKERBURY says it is the rain that has done it, and that if I had only "come down last Tuesday week then he could have shown me something like a strawberry." Ask about the roses. Says they are simply "mashed up" with the rain, and that there's nothing left of them. Spend a dreary afternoon playing backgammon with Mrs. B. Say I think I'll walk back to the station. BILKERBURY nods and doesn't press the dog-cart. Miss my way, and lose my train. Have to wait at the station three hours and a half, in my damp clothes, for the next. Afraid I have caught cold. Home at last. A very gloomy day. Tuesday.-Off to Tippingford to play in the Home Eleven against the Roving Batterbridge Juveniles. Pelting cats and dogs. Ground like a sponge. Both Elevens boxed up in the tap-room of a small local public-house drinking hot whiskey-and-water. After waiting five hours and a half rain stops for a few moments, and the Captains determine to begin the match. We win the toss, and go in. Owing to the sloppy state of the wicket, we are all got out for eleven in fiveand-twenty minutes. Cats and dogs recommence. Further adjournment, and whiskey-and-water drinking. Weather not clearing, other side decide to go out and have their innings, when it is discovered that both our bowlers and five of the field have left for Town. Opposition Captain furious, and asks me whether I think I "belong to an Eleven of Gentlemen." Point to the weather. Rival Umpire asks "What that's got to do with it?" and offers to fight me. Decline, and beat a retreat, eventually getting up to Town, escaping notice in the corner of a third-class compartment. Arrive dripping. Feet in hot water. To bed miserable. Wednesday.-Glass still falling, and pelt continuous. Still, make up my mind to start for the FEATHERFLYS' Water Pic-nic at Cookham. Get there, and find the young people determined not to give it up. Say they are sure it will be "very jolly" if we only take umbrellas and waterproofs enough. Am forced to start. Find myself rowing bow in a light suit of flannels drenched through with a driving rain that is swept by a bitterly cold wind in pailfuls over my dripping back. Spirited young lady, who is steering, expresses her opinion 66 that it is great fun." After two hours of this, join other boats under some dripping bushes, to have lunch. Everybody in an ill temper. Get a soaked sandwich, and call attention to it. Comic "Water Party.' No one man asks me what else I expected at a laughs. Should like to duck him. Start to return, wind risen to a hurricane, rain coming down in a deluge. Take an extra hour-anda-half getting back. Hurry up to catch train without waiting to say good-bye to FEATHERFLY. Feel too savage to do it. Am all over day I have ever spent in my life. Go to bed, wondering whether I aches and pains. Think, on the whole, it is the most disagreeable shall be able to hobble through my part in the Open-air Pastoral Play which I am booked for to-morrow. Thursday. No change in weather. Worse, if anything. Nevertheless, start for Sir HARRY POTTIFER'S place in Kent, to take part in a Pastoral Drama, written specially for the occasion by himself, entitled the Apotheosis of Pan, or [Sunshine in Arcady. I am to play Bacchus. Rain coming down in torrents. Find all the players protesting against giving the thing in "such weather." Sir HARRY insists that we must, as Royalty is expected. Turn out, grumbling, and begin. Seeing that Venus has got on a waterproof, I put on an Ulster, and the Chorus of Wood Nymphs, taking the hint, execute a 66 sylvan dance" in goloshes, wraps, and umbrellas. Sir HARRY is hurt. Says he didn't think we would mind "a little wet, just for once," and that, of course, if we are going "to play the fool in that sort of fashion," we may: as well give up the whole thing." After a hot altercation on the lawn, held in a roaring wind in the midst of blinding sleet and rain, Pan absolutely declining to appear, even in his "Apotheosis," unless enveloped in a coachman's overcoat, a compromise is arrived at, and it is ultimately settled that we are to finish the Open-air Pastoral Drama as well as we can in the back drawing-room. Do this. It falls decidedly flat. Royalties leave before it is over. Sir HARRY grumpy, and almost rude. Take my departure, vowing nothing ever again shall persuade me to go in for Ulster, my scanty get-up as Bacchus has given me a severe chill. a Pastoral Drama. Arrive at my Chambers, feeling that, spite the To bed, shivering, and wishing I hadn't stood so long on the lawn in sandals. Do so. Friday. Feel that the sandals have done it, and that I have certainly got a chill. Head splitting. Aches all over. Glass hesitating. Think it really looks like clearing. Give three feeble cheers. Wonder whether I can manage to get down to the SPINKLEBY'S Garden Party to-day, and put in an appearance at the Champion Bicycle Tournament to-morrow. Think I'll see Doctor. Shakes his head and makes me telegraph to put them both off. Explain my symptoms. Tells me I may think myself lucky if I get off without rheumatic fever. Says Monday set it up. Tuesday developed it. The Water Pic-nic on Wednesday brought it to a head, and that Bacchus yesterday, evidently finished me. Orders me wet towel to my head and gruel. Toss about in a troubled sleep dreaming I am pursued by a demon Clerk of the Weather, who is playing on me continually with a four-inch hose of a sixteen horse-power engine of the Metropolitan Fire Brigade. Saturday.-Glass gone up amazingly. Sunshine once more. No use. Comes too late. Still in bed. Wet towel still round my head. Still taking gruel. On the whole, an irritating ending to a beastly week. NOTES PICKED UP IN THE COURT OF THE L.C.J. 11:15 A.M.-Fairly punctual. Must not go to sleep until all my friends are settled. 11.30 P.M.-Think there is no more room on the Bench. Have given orders I am not to be disturbed. 12 NOON. Opening for the Plaintiff still going on. Wonder if Counsel will last until luncheon interval. Pleasant voice-does not disturb me at all. 1.30 P.M.-Force of habit! Woke up in time to suggest that the usual mid-day adjournment should take place. 2 P.M.-Find that address to the Jury is not concluded. Very well. 4 P.M.-Force of habit again! Woke up to the minute. Some witnesses I find have been examined. 4.30 P.M.-Adjourned Court. Shall be interested to find what I have been trying to-day. Sure to see it in the Times to-morrow! The Summer of 1888. I REMEMBER, I remember A MOTTO which certain Architects of the Board of Works acted on:-"One must draw the line somewhere." And they did. And that line wasn't a right line. to bed without even saying good-night, leaving me to bar up the scullery door, and feed the cat. I shall certainly speak to her about this in the morning. 66 May 9.-Still a little shaky, with black specs. CARRIE had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour. I helped myself to a cup of tea, and I said, perfectly calmly and quietly, "CARRIE, I wish a little explanation of your conduct last night." She replied, "Indeed! and I desire something more than a little explanation of your conduct the night before." I said, coolly, 'Really, I don't understand you." CARRIE said, sneeringly, "Probably not; you were scarcely in a condition to understand anything." I was astounded at this insinuation, and simply ejaculated "CAROLINE!" She said, "Don't be theatrical. It has no effect on me. Reserve that tone for your new friend, Mister FARMERSON the ironmonger.' I was about to speak, when CARRIE, in a temper such as I have never seen her in before, told me to hold my tongue. She said, Now I'm going to say something. After professing to snub Mr. FARMERSON, you permit him to snub you in my presence, and then accept his invitation to take a glass of champagne with you, and you don't limit yourself to one glass. You then offer this vulgar man, who made a bungle of repairing our scraper, a seat in our cab on the way home. I say nothing about his tearing my dress in getting in the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. JAMES's expensive fan, which you knocked out of my hand, and for which he never even apologised; but you both smoked all the way home, without having the decency to ask my permission. That is not all. At the end of the journey, although he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of the cab, you asked him in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect from my manner that his company was not desirable." Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make matters worse, GOWING entered the room without knocking, with two hats on his head, and holding the garden-rake in his hand, with CARRIE'S fur tippet (which he had taken off the downstairs hall-peg) round his neck, and announced himself in a loud, coarse voice, "His Royal Highness the Lord Mayor." He marched twice round the room like a buffoon, and, finding we took no notice, said, "Hulloh! what's up? Lovers' quarrel, eh?" Sub-Editor (to Nervous Subscriber). "I MAY OBSERVE, BY THE WAY, SIR, THAT ALL SUB. SCRIBERS TO OUR PAPER, THAT PAY IN ADVANCE, WILL BE ENTITLED TO A FUST-CLASS OBITUARY NOTICE!-GRATIS, SIR!" THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 66 There was a silence for a moment, so I said, quietly, My dear GoWING, I'm not very well, and not quite in the humour for joking, especially when you enter the room without knocking-an act which I fail to see the fun of." GOWING said, "I'm very sorry, but I called for my stick, which I thought you would have sent round." I handed him his stick, which I remembered I had painted black with the enamel paint, thinking to improve it. He looked at it for a minute with a dazed expression and said, "Who did this ?" I said, "Eh? Did what?" He said, "Did what? Why, destroyed my stick! It belonged to my poor uncle, and I value it more than anything I have in the world. I'll know who did it." I said, "I'm very sorry. I daresay it will come off. I did it for the best." GOWING said, "Then all I can say is, it's a confounded liberty, and I would add, you 're a bigger fool than you look, only that's absolutely impossible." May 8.-I woke up with a most terrible head-ache. I could scarcely see, and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a crick. I thought first of sending for a Doctor, but I did not think it necessary. When up, I felt faint, and went to BROWNISH's the Chemist, who gave me a draught. So bad at the office, had to get leave to come home. Went to another Chemist in the City, and I got a draught. BROWNISH's dose seems to have made me worse, Have eaten nothing all day. To make matters worse, CARRIE, every time I spoke to her, answered me sharply that is, when she answered at all. In the evening I felt very much worse again, and said to her, I do believe I've been poisoned by the lobster mayonaise at the Mansion House last night." She simply replied, without taking her eyes from her sewing, Champagne never did agree with you." I felt irritated, and said, "What nonsense you talk; I only had a glass and a half, and you know as well as I do99 Before I could complete the sentence, she bounced out of the room. I sat over an hour waiting for her to "How To PREVENT ALPINE ACCIDENTS." return, but as she did not, I determined I would go to bed. I discovered CARRIE had gone-Simple old remedy: Stay at home. .. |