Jack. Which Code? There's such a lot of 'em! and what's stuck down in one, is upset in another! Who's to tell which is right? Oh, hang it all! How's a poor chap to know what they all means? Why, they might as well be written in Greek!

Bill. What Company does the cove at the other end belong to? Jack (out of humour). The North South and East Western!

Bill. Ah, I never was in that Company. But, I say, ain't we got a copy of their Code ?

Jack (irritably). I don't know. Perhaps we have, and perhaps we haven't. (Electric signal heard once more.) Well, I'm hanged! There's them blessed ten bells again! What do they want this time? [Whistle heard.

Bill. Hadn't we better look it out?

Jack. This is a nice time for looking it out, when the train's overdue and wants to be moving! (Whistle impatiently repeated.) There, you see how they are a going on!

Bill (picking up book). Law! Here's the North South and East Western Code, I do believe!

Jack. Well, look out ten bells as fast as you can (More whistling.) There they go again! Blessed if I don't think they will smash all the panes of glass with their row! [Whistling continued.

Bill. Here we are, (reading from book).

voluntary stoppage."

16

Ten bells, means a

Jack. Voluntary stoppage." What's that, BILL?

[More whistling.

Bill (with uncertainty). Well, can't say I exactly know, JACK. They learned me at the School Board that "voluntary" meant "permissive."

Jack. Oh, did they? But who's to "permit" it? Me, or the chap at the other box? (Whistling excitedly repeated.) And there, you see how impatient they're a getting? What's to be done?

Bill (giving it up). I don't know! It's a pity they don't make these here signals plainer.

Jack. Right you are, BILL, but that ain't our business. (Loud whistling continued.) Well, I can't keep 'em any longer. So here goes (moves cranks), and all I can say is, I hope as how we ain't made a hash of the word "permissive!"

[Train steams rapidly off, and the scene is closed in by a fearful "accident," and an inquest!

CURMUDGEON'S CHRISTMAS CAROL.

THIS sharp but genial season, whilst a tear of pity flows
On my Paper o'er Appeals for coals and blankets, food and clo'es,
With a swell of hearty sympathy I feel
my chest expand,

CHRISTMAS And a generous impulse urges me to give

with open hand.

The prompting of benevolence, ah, why must I resist,

And when I fain my hand would ope, be

forced to close my fist?

Other Appeals, alas, there are, which first have to be met:

My quarter's rent and my Christmas bills
-as far as I'm in debt.

My fellow-beings' woes I do most feelingly bemoan,
But, ere I can relieve their wants, must needs sate all my own.
And that, they are so numerous, yea, and so expensive too,
Is more, much more, than I am blest with half the means to do.
Oh, that I were a Lord of land, and had my rent all paid,
Plenty to spend, and plenty left to lend another aid;
Or else a Millionnaire possessed of wealth exceeding bound,
My money how I'd scatter in munificence all round!
Or had I but a fairy gift of pocket so far full,
Therein I should but need to put my hand as much to pull
Thereout, as ever I required to squander or bestow,
About how gladly doing good should I for pastime go!
That luxury of doing good, oh, why is it so dear?
How little I could buy with some few thousand pounds a year!
In vain I long and languish for that happiness intense,
Which don't I wish I could enjoy regardless of expense!
At Christmas in particular, though gushing with good will,
I own, my contributions to "Appeals " amount to nil;
The hungry and the naked I've a will to clothe and feed,
But the naked and the hungry too must take it for the deed.

'TIS Christmas-though with wild amaze
I hear the shallow critics say,
My dramas don't precisely pay,

I mean to go on writing plays!

THE MOTTO. BY R. B.

A Motto! Just a catch-word such as lies
Betwixt Imprimis and the colophon;
French mot, Italian motto: for the rest
Latin mutire. Body o' me-the Greek
Gives ulos. So this poem I write and leave
To Jansenists, to lie i' the brains o' men,
I sell you for a lira, eightpence just,
Then home to Casa Guidi, by the Church.
And, British Public, ye who like me not,
I think i' faith I've got the best of it!
OUR LADY CHAMPAGNE. BY A. C. S.

66

A Maiden makes moan, Oh, my Motto
Lies lost with its love-litten lay:
'Twas something on 'green in a grotto,'
And 'sad seas were sweeter than spray.""

O theme for the scorn of the scoffer,

I hear my own verses again,

And she ogles me well as I offer
My Lady-Champagne!

THE BLOOMING DAMOZEL. BY D. G. R.

The blooming damozel leaned o'er
The station bar at even,

And she was deeper than the depths
Of water at Lochleven:

She kept my change within her purse,

It came to one-and-seven?

THE VOLSUNG TALE. BY W. M.

Oh, fain for the wine was SIGURD, and wild were the songs he sung, Like the words from the Halls of Music, for glamour was on his tongue,

And he dropped the Sword of the Branstock, that trembled in his clutch; And said GUDRUN, "Son of the Volsungs, methinks thou has ta'en too much."

Then uprose the King of Men-folk, and vowed he had drunk no ale; And that was the story of SIGURD-lo! that was the Volsung tale!

MODESTY REWARDED.

THOUGH there have been no Cabinet Councils of late, there were, previous to Mr. GLADSTONE's departure for Hawarden, several interviews between Cabinet Ministers. What these may portend has greatly exercised the daily newspapers, which have had various more or less official-looking paragraphs purporting to explain them. We, who know everything, are able to give the real explanation. They had, in brief, no other object than to arrive at some means of making a suitable acknowledgment of the kind and patronising care manifested by Mr. ARTHUR ARNOLD during the Recess as it was displayed during the Session. One of the last acts of the Member for Salford on the eve of the Prorogation was to give notice that next year he will move a Resolution on the subject of the County Franchise. This being a subject which the Government came in pledged to deal with, Mr. ARNOLD's interposition was at the moment hotly resented by some Members, who thought they saw in it evidence of a bumptious, meddlesome mind, determined to keep itself before the public, and impervious to ridicule.

Since the prorogation the Hon. Member has conferred a fresh favour on the Government, having printed (at the expense of the Greek Committee) an address in support of their Policy in Greece. It was not previously known that this policy required a special defence; but Mr. ARNOLD has defended it, and something must be done for him. At the meetings of Ministers, various suggestions were offered. One was that he should be made permanent Consul in Patagonia; another that he should be appointed resident Minister of the Gold Coast, a station where, owing to peculiar qualities of the atmosphere, promotion is rapid; whilst a final proposal to despatch him to Burmah, with a peremptory message to the Emperor, met with much favour. A memorial signed by the Editors of various papers in London and the Provinces was received, setting forth the grievances under which they labour at the hands of Mr. ARNOLD, by reason of his habit of sending reports of his own speeches, and paragraphs puffing the Member for Salford. The petitioners begged that in the choice of residence, attention might be given to the desirability of selecting one where postage was dear, and must be prepaid. The petition was ordered to lie on the table, and further consideration of the matter was adjourned till it could be ascertained what sort of humour the Emperor of BURMAH is in at present.

EJW

CHRISTMAS CRACKERS.

WHEN Christmas is come, and the girls -bless each heart!

Seem to think it a proper and regular part

Of the programme, to pull with a shriek

and a start

The Crackers that garnish the dishes; We know how those things, in our juvenile time,

Contained a queer sweetmeat, a motto, a rhyme,

That was not what the critics consider sublime,

But served to express lovers' wishes. But now come the new Crackers, lovely to see, Each one in itself a complete jeu d'esprit, In gold and in silver and fair filagree,

In all sorts of shapes and of sizes;

Some filled up with wonderful musical toys,
Some chaffing the modern æsthetical joys,

Some yielding, to dress up the girls and the boys,

New costumes, as splendid surprises.

And when we remember that these, through the year,
Are made by poor women and girls, it is clear
They should above all other presents be dear,-

TOM SMITH should have thousands of backers;
And good boys and girls, when these playthings allure,
Will know what less fortunate children endure,
And give more than a thought-let us hope-to the poor,
When pulling these capital Crackers!

SCARY BLAINE.

AIR-"Mary Blaine." (Elongated Version.)

'TWAS in connection with Peru and Chili

That we met with SCARY BLAINE,

As the propounder of a pen-and-ink policy of exaggerated spread-eagleism as hifalutin as it was awfully silly,

And as vaunting as it was vain.

If anybody (not a Yankee) should take the most unwarrantable liberty of "complicating" the virginal purity of "Peruvian questions" with those adulterate devilries known as "European politics,"

Why, Creation would "bust," said SCARY, Which plainly proves that the great Clock of Time to the tune of the cap-bells of capering Columbian Chauvinistic folly ticks

In the ears of the ex-secretary.

But fare thee well, oh! SCARY BLAINE!
A sensible public bids you adieu!
Fare thee well, oh! SCARY BLAINE!
We ne'er would meet again.

"ALL that will be henceforth necessary for the manufacture of votes," read Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM's niece out of the Morning Post, "will be either to run up new houses or to utilise old houses for letting in separate tenements to the great residuum."" "Yes, but," sagaciously observed her Aunt, who had followed the argument closely, 66 who is the Great Residuum? For it is clear, my dear, that if he resides in the house, there's no one of the lodgers can vote."

The Public and Confidential.-Not 'a met you before! Well, I thought I knew your face. I suppose it is because you are so like one of the best friends I ever had? Well, as I was saying, my Uncle, who was a curious old gentleman, has just left me twenty thousand pounds, out of which I have to give five thousand to an honest man. Now, I have such confidence in you, although I have never seen you before, that I will place this brass pin and these twenty Hanoverian medals in your hands while I go out of this public-house for a quarter of an hour, and then

Untradesmanlike.-Of course we should not think of troubling so old and valuable a customer for a minute; but you can understand that we have a great many heavy bills to meet just now; and, really, if your account is not paid by next Monday, we shall be compelled to put the matter into the hands of our legal

Economical Christmas Carding.-My dear, there is no use waiting for the day itself. Take Time by the forelock, and then, if people neglect you, why it is their fault, and not yours. Now, where did you put the cards we received last Christmas? Those that were not written on will do perfectly well to send out thisTurfitical.-Oh! all you book-makers talk like that; and yet I never knew one of you to have a really bad year. As for the five or six hundred-what, 970 was it? I knew it was a paltry sum I lost at Sandown. That can stand over. I'll see you at Lincoln next March, and then

Good Resolution Pavement.-Word of honour, dear old chappie. I am going to knock 'em off at the end of the year. Spirits are the very devil; and I should advise you to follow my example. But, of course, till then-. Here, Waiter, bring me another brandy-and-soda; and don't put all the soda in; and will youDitto.-So, Baby, we had better say good-bye. You see, I shall be twenty-one in a fortnight, and it is time for me to settle down. I shall probably marry my cousin. That's the fourth decanter Ditto.-I quite agree with you, Doctor, and to tell you the truth,

I am sick of knocking about, and of late hours. Last week I spent nearly every night at home; oh yes, I was at the Gaiety Theatre on Monday and Wednesday, and at the Royal on Tuesday, and on Thursday I was at the Pavilion, and on Friday, oh, I went to the Royal again, but no, I was not at the Pavilion on Saturday. They wouldn't let us in; and I certainly was not at a dance at the Lotos till four on Wednesday, because there was no dance, we were only having a quiet little supper, and whoever says that on Monday and Tuesday I was at the Raleigh till three tells falsehoods, for I was home each morning by a quarter to, and on Thursday, I was at the Lotos again, and so I was on Friday. Well, we were the last there, and I forget where I was much on Saturday. But no man enjoys a quiet evening at home more than I do, and next year

ETIQUETTE AT EXETER.

"Last evening the Society established at Exeter for the promotion of good manners' was inaugurated."-Globe, Dec. 20. WHAT's up in ancient Exeter, say what's the matter there? Do people drop their aitches, use bad language, rave and swear, That such a strange Society is started in the town, Do husbands there fling teacups at their unresisting wives, To bring good manners to the front and put bad manners down? And make a noise when taking soup, and eat peas with their knives, Go out to evening parties in red shirts and hobnailed boots, And scratch their heads as though they'd pull their hair out by the

roots?

They must have had bad habits there that made their neighbours fret; So let us hope they'll now improve, and study etiquette.

HUSH A BOY BABY!-Drat the child! Not sufficient evidence for criminal prosecution of St. Paul's Industrial School-managers. Let Boy-gones be Boy-gones. Make all snug and comfortable. Say no more about it. Merry Christmas. Royal Commission, &e., &c. No more at present from Yours, V. HARCOURT.