Christmas (New Style). "WE ARE THE MODERN CHRISTMAS CARDS-WE ARE! WE ARE! WE ARE !" Christmas (Old Style). "YOU REPRESENT CHRISTMAS! POOH! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY COMING OUT LIKE THAT AT THIS TIME OF YEAR!" Tomfoolery'? Why, what do you call all this here modern fad,Sending gimcrack cards by dozens, dauby, glaring, good, and bad, Nymphs-and what not? Why, between you, you drive friends and Postmen mad." Says Young Christmas," When it's over, they can rest." Says the Old-fashioned Christmas to the New-fangled Christmas, Where's the jollity of twenty years ago?" Says the New-fangled Christmas to the Old-fashioned Christmas, FUN FOR TOMMY'S HOLIDAYS. The Remarkable Clock.-This is easily managed. A convenient opportunity being taken advantage of in the course of the afternoon, the dining-room clock is removed, washed in soap-and-water, and then replaced, care having been used to destroy entirely the springclip that controls and restrains the striking apparatus. Wound up fully at the last moment, and timed so as to commence on a half-hour stroke, it is now started in the middle of family prayers, when, to the surprise of everybody, it does not cease till it has given, in rapid succession, all the consecutive hours and half-hours for the next fortnight. This is great fun: especially for TOMMY-at the moment. There is also another and easier method.* The Laughable Cistern.-The Cistern having been emptied, if possible, on to the stairs, some dozens of holes are quietly drilled with a good stout fifteen-inch gimlet, in the four sides and bottom. The instant the water comes in, the cistern immediately assumes a laughable appearance. The Irrepressible Bolster.-This is a simple but most effective and mirth-provoking experiment, and is generally practised with best results at a country-house, on any nervous invalid who happens to be paying a short visit at the time. The operator having previously procured, from any zoological friend, a chimpanzee, a fullsized boa constrictor, and a couple of young hyænas, reduces them to a state of temporary coma by administering a dose of chloroform, and, seizing his opportunity, takes them up to the bed-room selected for the jeu d'esprit. He now rapidly unrips the bolster, and, emptying out the feathers, stuffs the case with the still comatose animals, taking care to refasten the end, and to put it back neatly in its place. The invalid retiring to his repose, and, by his restlessness, eventually disturbing his now wakeful bed-fellows, an amusing scene follows. The coiling, struggling, and yelling of his bolster in the dark, causes him the liveliest surprise; and, when finally lighting a candle, he discovers it rolling violently round the room, upsetting all the furniture, and rousing the startled household, he is obliged to confess to himself that it is quite "irrepressible." This pleasant little jest may be made more amusing still, by previously striking all the matches, and then carefully replacing them in their usual box. The Peculiar Guests.-A house where an evening party is in progress is selected, and the operator, personating one of the waiters, having provided himself with a few clean towels and a basin of water (in which two ounces of nitrate of silver has previously been dissolved), takes up his position in the hat-and-cloakroom. His accomplice, now outside, throws down the arriving guests, being careful to splash their faces well with mud. Thus arranged, they readily fall into the trap laid for them in the chemically-prepared water and being glad to cleanse their complexions, are ushered into the drawing-room, where, under the action of the heat and light, their faces become a bright blue-black. What makes this additionally amusing is that the colour is probably permanent. The Dancing Dean.-Having hired, at Wapping, an Indian Chief who has eaten nothing for three days, make him put on his war-paint, and then select a quiet and social party at which it is known that a Rural Dean, of rather strict and sober proclivities, is to be present. Leaving the Chief locked up down-stairs, go round to See A Hundred Ways of making Uncle jump. New Edition. Post-free for 14 Stamps. DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE PIANIST. Grigsby. "I TRUST YOU WILL FAVOUR US THIS EVENING, MR. BELMAINS?" Mr. Belmains. "WELL-ER-NO-HARDLY! THEY DON'T CARE FOR SERIOUS PIANOFORTE-PLAYING IN THIS HOUSE, YOU KNOW. I HOPE YOU WILL GIVE US HE'S GOT 'EM ON,' MR. GRIGSBY." Mr. Grigsby. "WELL-I-ER-THINK NOT-SCARCELY! YOU SEE, IN THIS HOUSE THEY DON'T APPRECIATE SERIOUS COMIC SINGING!" all the guests, and bet them, one by one, that before the evening is out the austere Church dignitary will dance. When they have all-as they will-in turn scouted the idea, make the poker red-hot in the fire. Now fetch up the Chief, having previously informed him that the Dean is for supper, and that the company expect a warrior to carve. As you say this, at the same time. hand him the red-hot poker. In a very few seconds the Dean will dance. PROGRAMME FOR A WILD WAGNERITE. Of course, those who want to keep the entire argument in their heads-what "A FESTIVAL Play for Four Nights." (See Advts.) Quite a little Holiday!! a mental strain!-will not allow anything to distract their attention between the performances. "Not at home" to anyone: stop in bed till time for Theatre. linkman. Whisper address to cabman. If fine, walk (Die Walküre) in order Das Rheingold, First Night. Speak to nobody. On leaving, make signs to to avoid distractions. If married, go alone, and if wife insists on hearing the Cycle, she must go alone, too. Return severally. Supper apart. Silent system. Next day: stop in bed to think over the story of the Cycle, and hum from memory. Dine in bed, and get up in time for Die Walküre. Night and day Aged prematurely. da capo. Siegfried, Third Night. Hair turning grey. Bent back; but still sticking to the Cycle. Fourth Night-Götterdämmerung. Sounds either like horrible swearing or first cousin to a Dutch Opera Rotterdammerung, but is neither one nor the other. Crawl from the front-door to fly. Exhausted. Assisted by stall-keepers to seat. Batteries in the lobby to galvanise the audience into attention. End of Fourth Night. Collapse. If instant restoratives, applied immediately after the last performance, fail in their effect, then patients to be at once conveyed to Colney Hatch or Hanwell, unless those establishments are already filled with the purchasers of Grand-Tier Boxes at £48, and Orchestra Stalls at £7 per Cycle. Vivat Vagner! I HAVE let myself to be told that the day of the Boulevardier is not to you. known. You vaunt yourselves that you travel; you do but wander-which is the good word of a Vaudevillist who devoured in buissons d'écrevisses and punch Grassot des droits d'auteur archi-Dumasiens. Opera this time, and Lansquenet till five. Venezuelans up; Les Misérables! Jeudi.-Changement terrible! Went to the Chamber to see uncle invalidated. Missed Bois; absinthe at the Véron-quel nid à ganaches! and positively dined at the Madrid! Quelle journée! Vendredi.-Même chose que Lundi. Cirque le soir; et pas de Baccarat. Samedi.-Toujours le même. Dimanche.-Changement complet; La Famille. Ouf! deux tantes à dîner, et un whist! Au revoir! J'attends le jour de l'an et mes étrennes. Bonne poignée de main à votre "Robert." 66 Robert, toi que j'aime!" LE GARÇON DU MOULIN ROUGE. "MERRY CHRISTMAS." ROMANCE. HAIL! season of peace and of plenty, Out on this gorging time of beef and turkey, When all the world, without, is cold and murky, ROMANCE. Fill high the Love-bowl with good wassail! Ring out the glad bells from each steeple! Will you forgive each stricken sister-sinner? SCHOOL-BOARD PROGRESS. BEFORE proceeding to the business of the day, a lady member, Mrs. BUSYBODY, said she wished to call attention to the New Education Code. Mrs. BLUEBODY said she was clearly out of order, and appealed to the Chairman. Mrs. Busybody (warmly). I am quite aware, Mr. Chairman, that I am not strictly in order, but I think am justified by the importance of the subject I Myself I was one fat liver other times. They were your own times, which is money. I spent my times and my money boulevardisant entre les plus boulevardiers. Ah, I was only a bon garçon then. Now I am garçon tout court-to whom no cour is paid. They knew me at the Helder-when I was younger. I am without the sou. But I am frank. "Monsieur the patron," I explain with the sweetness of a man of whom a mellifluous Maraschino has just crowned the dinner, “You behold a décavé. Tout est mangé, sauf l'honneur. If I cannot you pay, I will you serve. I am your debtor, I will be your garçon." Ainsi fut-il. Nothing is changed on the Boulevards: il n'y a qu'un Boulevardier de moins. I see my days repeated in the lives of the others; and I know that to boule-Board. vardise only is eternal; all the rest is mutable. Mrs. Bluebody (interrupting). I must again appeal to the Chairman. I protest against this most irregular proceeding. There is enough business in to-day's paper to occupy us for a week, and I don't see much chance of any progress being made to-day, if Mrs. BUSYBODY is allowed to enter upon matters that are not before the An Hon. Member. I should wish to make one observation,[Cries of "Order! Order!" Uproar. Mrs. Bluebody (violently). I say that Mrs. BUSYBODY is out of order, and it is not the first time. I again appeal to the Chair. [More uproar. Lundi.-I rise myself of good hour, as all good boulevardiers must to do; and I take my tob after my the, after the true habitude Britannique. Déjeuner chez Brébant; BIGNON for breakfast is horribly out of the movement. GOUTRAN, of the "Bébés," and PAUL, of the "Mirlitons," at the same table. Interesting discussion à propos of the diamonds in the boots of THEO last night. Six or Chairman (loudly and angrily). If you appeal to me, I eight: that is the question, comme dit ce cher GUILLAUME. To the Champs must say that you yourself are out of order. Any remark Elysées-but in morning tweeds, for the fashionable hour is not arrived-to on the general conduct of a Member of the Board is look at the pouliche of Sir JONATHAN POGRAM; et puis les pogs-dogs of Milord irregular, and I must request you to withdraw it. SMITH. To the Boulevard, to the Café Riche, or Napolitain, to look at the [Cries of Withdraw, withdraw!" journals. Only "Le High Life," "Le Turf," and "La Coulisse," par exemple! Mrs. Bluebody. Well, I will withdraw it, although it Tiens, ARTHUR has had his little finger écorché in his duel with the Comte. happens to be true. To the Bourse, and ordain my courtier to sell Venezuelans. Hardly in time to hire une avant-scene for "Odette." The Bois; and une heure délicieuse à coté de théâtre tout le monde nous a remarqués: NATHAN will renew that bill now. Dinner at PETER'S. She is beautiful-we promenade ourselves in voiture. Baccarat till three. Mardi.-Même chose. a Mercredi.-Peu de changement. Déjeuner at PETER's, and dined chez BIGNON. An Hon. Member. This is not a withdrawal, but an aggravation. Everybody (jumping up at once and shouting). Mr. Chairman-I protest [At this point, thinking it might become an affair of inkstands and umbrellas, our Reporter left quietly, with the best hat he could find. Debate still continuing. FROM YOUTH TO AGE. (A Confidential Correspondence between Eminent Personages.) No. VIII. From Lord Randolph Churchill, M.P. (1881), to John, I SAY, old Cockalorum, I've a crow to pluck with you. On mature consideration I have come to the conclusion that you are a nuisance in the family, overshadowing with your fame worthier members, whose chief failing is that they come after you. To 1704 my mind you appear 1881. I can tell you, to keep in hand a frisky young fellow like GORST, a profound diplomatist like WOLFF, and a self-opinionated collegian like BALFOUR. I have done it, and in command of these allied forces, with occasional volunteered assistance from WARTON and Alderman FOWLER, I have kept BRADLAUGH at bay during a whole Session, and mean to do it again next year. Now you, with all your battles and pensions and palaces and intrigues, never did anything so altogether big as this. Yet, forsooth, you are the famous Duke of MARLBOROUGH, and I am simply RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, with, by courtesy, a prefix of nobility. This withstanding of BRADLAUGH is, like Blenheim, "a famous victory," only we know what we fought each other for. But I have achieved triumphs in other directions not less glorious. Have you taken note of my absolute victory over the decencies of Parliamentary debate and political controversy? Everyone is agreed that modern public life furnishes no parallel to this. There, my Lord Duke, I decidedly have the pull over you. You don't shine in history as a very faithful man. Your notion of patriotism apparently was subserviency to the reigning power whilst you were in secret correspondence with the banished king. You got all that JAMES THE SECOND could give you, whilst you arranged for the glorious coming over of WILLIAM of Orange; and whilst WILLIAM and MARY were on the throne, you were coquetting with the STUARTS, whom you had already betrayed. You made a good thing out of it all round. But you were always courtly in your manner-not to say sneaking, for I hate to use strong language. You never dared to be abusive, lest, peradventure, the man you attacked might some day be in a position to refuse you a favour. No. IX.-From Lord Stanley, M.P. for Lynn (1850), to the Earl of WHAT'S this I hear about the probability of you joining the Liberal Government? I don't know that there is anything in such a conclusion that I have any right to resent. I have myself always so strictly kept the middle path, and have so frequently in the violent conflict of parties found one or other side come up to me, that I have no right to be critical with any position in which you may find yourYou were the same when you left as when you entered: only they, self. I know very well how you came to leave Dizzy's Government. swerving violently on one side, left you isolated. Then, of course, you had to "leave the Government," as it was put at the time, whereas the more exact rendering of the fact was, that the Government left you. But, my dear DERBY, there is a vast difference between your being left in the middle of the road by the Tories, and your deliberately taking a step to the other side, officially to join the Liberals. It won't suit you either personally or politically. You are all very well as you are, which, as I before hinted, is equivalent to being "as you were." In the dashing to and fro of parties, you may again find yourself in a Conservative Cabinet. Whether that comes to pass or not, you must not think of joining a Liberal one. You were just the thing for DIZZY when he formed a Government. He knew exactly your value and your place. Our great name and influence were of value to him, and being a good fellow at heart, with strong personal affections, he never forgot the friendship our father had extended to him at a critical time, and was pleased to seem to lend his patronage to a STANLEY. Beyond that, he had a great deal Till things of sympathy with your growing Liberal convictions. got too hot to hold, he played you off against that fire-eater SALISBURY, and that drummer-boy, GATHORNE HARDY. He stuck to you as long as he could, and the tears he dropped in the House of Lords over your estrangement, were really genuine. are AF 1881 But all this would be different in a Liberal Government with its present prospects. You and GLADSTONE would get on very well together, and, of course, HARTINGTON would suit you exactly. You know as well as I do that there are other forces in the Cabinet, which backed by strong and growing powers in the provinces. You would get along swimmingly at first. Presently would come a time when you would find you could not go any further with CHAMBERLAIN and DILKE-who, by-the-way, will not long be out of the Cabinet. It would not do for you, having deliberately taken the step of associating yourself with a Liberal Ministry, to retire. You have seemed to change about enough now, and, as you know, too long-continued a process of this kind of gymnastics is ruinous in English politics. We all get a chance once; but having recanted, we cannot go back again. Stop where you are, and as you are, you will be both prosperous and strong. If there ever be, as is by no means improbable-an attempt to form a Coalition Ministry, in which moderate Liberals, elderly Whigs and Conservatives of our kidney combine to resist the rush of Radicalism, then your turn for office will have come again. The fact that you have joined a Coalition Ministry won't count in the record of your career. Till then, sit below the Gangway in your favourite corner, and from time to time balance arguments for the House of Lords. and That is a slur on the family name which I have done something to remove. I go at them all round. GLADSTONE of course, but scarcely less STAFFORD NORTHCOTE. If a man is older than myself, and, in the estimation of a silly world, wiser, I discover the greater pleasure in abusing him. I don't find that it brings me personal popularity, or seems to raise me in the public esteem. There is a general impression abroad that my principal stock-in-trade for political advancement is impudence. I am not a graceful speaker; scarcely better read than yourself; have never done anything except get myself returned for Woodstock; and whilst I have attacked the Bills of everybody else, Of course it is known only between you and me that you are not I have never brought in but one, and that, dealing with Small Debts, such a wonderfully wise man as you look. But you are what is raised such a commotion among the tailors, bootmakers, and uni- sometimes better, and may be more powerful. You are as nearly as versal providers, that I had to drop it. Yet look at the place I fill possible the embodiment of the ordinary common sense and the somein public estimation. A wasp in a crowded room would scarcely what phlegmatic intelligence of an Englishman. You are often, by receive more attention. But for you and your pompous, overpowering reason of experience in public affairs, so far in advance of public fame, I might found a house myself. As it is, I can never be any-opinion, that what you say to-day England will think to-morrow. thing but a scion of the house you established, partly by back-stair But, as Dizzy dolefully admitted when SALISBURY was girding at influence and partly by a people's gratitude for victories which, as I you, you "have not much go in you." .." You shine more in summing have shown, are nothing compared with mine. There is nothing vexes me more than to see men thus grasping at honours which would be better disposed elsewhere. They want taking down a peg or two, and I'm the man to do it. If you suppose that because you are an ancestor who won for us a title, a palace, and a pension you are exempt, you will find you are mistaken. You are not the first to discover that nothing is sacred to the political sapeur who signs himself Your disgusted descendant, RANDOLPH CHURCHILL. up the results of a catastrophe than in preparing means for averting it. You have your place in English politics-an honourable, an honoured, and a safe one; and don't you go perilling this by tying yourself down as a member of a Liberal Ministry. Yours, in sober wisdom, STANLEY. THE Schoolboy's Favourite for Christmas Cards is of course-TUCK. RAPHAEL TUCK's are "Art-full Cards" with a vengeance. First-rate. |