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assizes, balls, and suppers ; and mess top, and the benchers the elevated platon circuit very socially together,- form, or dais, at the upper extremity of while in town the terms are worthily the hall; but the good things to be opened by a breakfast to the judges devoured are apportioned to the dif. and Queen's Counsel-legal as well ferent classes of dignitaries, with an as military battles being contested attention to professional precedence more hotly upon a full than on an and standing, hardly less rigorous than empty stomach.
that observable on board a seventyBut this is a small portion, very four, where the midshipmen dine in small indeed, of the gastronomic the cock-pit, the lieutenants in the powers of the law.
ward-room, the captain in the gunIn his respective hall, the youth- room, and the boatswain and other ful aspirant for barristerial honours petty officers the Lord knows where. eats, year after year, his impatient Like every thing else in this laborious way to the bar, exactly as an active and difficult world, the law is up-hill rat fixes his persevering tusks in one work; and it is lucky for the students side of an old cheshire, and never that they commence their education leaves off until he goes right through in the flower of their youth, with the it, poking his proboscis through the appetite of cormorants and the digesrind on the other side. In their tion of an ostrich; otherwise they respective halls, barristers, in like never could eat their way for four or manner, eat their tedious way to a five tedious years through intermincolonial judgeship, or attorney-gene- ably recurring legs of tough mutton ralship of the Cannibal Islands, a re- (roasted) and bottles of liquid fire, by vising barristership, a commissioner- courtesy called wine, and consumed ship of any thing-or secretaryship, under the name of port. or under secretaryship of any thing By degrees, however, a good digeselse, or in short, whatever they can by tion, sharp teeth, and indefatigable any possibility lay their hands on. perseverance, will effect wonders : in
In their respective halls, too, of ten or twelve years' time, the student, which they may be considered the now a barrister-at-law, attains to the licensed victuallers, and whose trea- dignity of a silver fork and a morsel surer for the time being is a sort of of cheese, subscribed for by the memprincipal waiter, the venerable bench. bers of the bar, who lay their learned ers, defended by a screen from the heads together for that purpose, and intrusive gaze of the inferior cormo- from which the unhappy students are rants, devour their rations of victuals still, being considered merely infants and wine in all the dignity of learned in law, precluded from the privilege leisure and professional elevation. to subscribe. Twenty years' standing, While the students eat heartily, and by which time the learned gentleman, the barristers hopefully, the benchers, if he has discharged his duty to his more experienced in the vanity of stomach and his profession, will have human wishes, handle their napkins lost all his teeth, and wear a head as with the gravity that becomes their grey as a badger, entitles him to a full years and station ; while through the pint of the execrable port, and a morbody of the hall resounds the profes- sel of cheese, at the benchers' expense, sional badinage, the execrable pun, or as also a cucumber in the summer the fifty times told joke, from the table season, so that he may now be said to of the benchers not a sound more ar- have arrived at the highest dignities, ticulate is heard than a low and plea- short of the attorney and solicitorsing murmur of conflicting glasses, generalships, of the bar; and is regard. and a silver sound of forks harmonious- ed, as he slices his cucumber, with ly jingling in the plate basket. longing, lingering eyes and watering
The profession of the law is, more mouths, by the mob of students in the strictly than any other, a profession of hall, who have a quarter of a century etiquette.
before them ere they are fated to arNot only are the several grades of rive at the dignity of the coif and devourers, or unproductive consumers, cucumber! as Ricardo calls them, strictly severed The benchers, as may be supposed, by position in the hall, the students taking their dinners within the bar, occupying the body of the apartment, like the landlords of other inns, are by the barristers the cross tables at the no means so restricted in the quality 1939.
of their eatables and quantity of their pocket, observes, slapping his corpu. drinkables, as the exclusives in the lent thigh, “the genteel thing for body of the Hall. We are enabled to Two-to-one, and never mind the ex. state, on the highest authority, that pense!” Accordingly, one day at these dignitaries study two courses dinner in the back shop of old Two. daily, including all the delicacies of to.one in Holborn bars, Frederick: the season, with a dessert of corre- William, the as yet unappropriated sponding magnificence; and are accus. offspring of " my uncle," having solitomed to refresh their legal fauces cited for the fourth time some more after the professional fatigues of the “toad in the hole,"* the amazed mother day, with wines of all the recognised of the voracious son of " my uncle" vintages, and of every possible va- thus addresses the ravenous Fredericks riety.
William. Thus wisely and well, the attentive “ Crikey, Fred! I'm afeared of yer reader will observe, is every step of brustin' yerself. Don't give him no professional elevation, every gradation more-d'ye hear, Timmy, dear?". from the lowest to the highest digni. “ I say, mother, don't be a-comin it ties of the law, marked by a change so werry strong. I arn't had more of diet-a promotion, as it were, in the nor a pound and a half or so of wittels, bill of fare, ascending, as I have said, father lays the pudding on so werry from impregnable mutton and exe. thick," was the dissatisfied reply of crable port, to the ambrosia of turtle Frederick. William, holding out his and venison, and the nectar of spark- plate for more. ling champagne.
“ Blowed if I doesn't think yer'd Let the hypothetical reader suppose make a good lawryer, Fred, yer iucks what is, indeed, the only supposable in sich a reggler blow-out!" was the case, that Mr Timothy Two-to-one, the sage remark of the father of the Twoopulent pawnbroker of Holborn bars, to-ones. having made one son a surgeon, another “ Blest if he wouldn't eat his wig!” an attorney, a third a clergyman, is remarked the eldest hope of the Twolost in doubt as to the occupation to be to ones, who, by virtue of his seniority, provided for the fourth and youngest thought he had a right to be extra fa. hope of the family of Two-to-one. cetious. Many people wonder, indeed, that one “ Or a child out of the small-pox," of the sons is not to be brought up to
observed the surgeon. the pawnbroking line, with such a “ Or a man on horseback," said the splendid business to step into when old attorney. Two-to-one is changed into a cheru- “ Or a mystified monkey, stuffed bim-I say people wonder; but let me with straw," resumed the elder Twotake the liberty of asking people what to-one. is it to them? You may be surprised “Or a physic of fish-hooks,” reyourself, that none of the young Two- marked the surgeon. to-ones is to succeed old Two-to-one ; “ Or the sunny side of a donkey," let me take the liberty of asking what's echoed the attorney, determined not that to you? The fact is, inquisitive to be outdone by his brethren. reader, old Two-to-one bas made so “ Or a hackney coachman stuffed much money that he is obliged to bring with twelvepenny nails,” reiterated his money to the Bank in a coal-scuttle, the elder Two-to-one, amid the laughand Mrs Two-to-one having been, at ter of the whole family. a less propitious period of her life, “ Or a barbecued wild cat with". under housekeeper in a gentleman's here the current of the surgeon's wit family, the pair have come to the re. was diverted into the ocean of business, solution of performing a miracle, by by the irruption of an apparition of metamorphosing pawnbrokers' whelps the pawnbroker's boy, in slippers and into real genuinethoroughbred gentle. shirt, with a smoothing-iron in his men, cost what it will—or as old Two- hand, which, duly presenting to Mr to-one, in all the pride of a bloated Two to one
• Toad in the hole. Beef-steaks laid in a pie-dish on a substratum of batter-pudding and sent o the baker's—a Cockney eatable of great and deserved celebrity.
NO, CCLXXXV. VOL. XLVI,
“ Here's a gal in the shop what “ Never mind," carelessly replied wants to spout that 'ere flat-iron," ob- the lady—“fifty-threer or fifty-seven, served the juvenile apparition. it's no great differ ; but I says agin,
“ Hlow much on it?" enquired “my we arn't turned less nor four bob uncle," scrutivizing the flat-iron with and a joey on that there hiron since profound attention, and shaking it Genewerry”—concluded the lady of well, to see if the handle was loose. “my uncle," taking down her digits
“ A tanner,” said the ghostling in and abandoning lier calculation à la reply.
Pestalozzi. " Half a tizzy,” said Mrs Two-to- While Frederick-William was mak. one, indicating in her peculiar phrase- ing out the gal's ticket for the flat-iron ology that the gal might receive one in the front shop, the thought flashed fourth of her demand, or threepence like lightning Through the mind of instead of a shilling, on the security "my uncle," that Frederick-William of her flat-iron.
would make a splendid Lord High “ Bundle, Freddy, and make out Chancellor of England; and, as it was the gal's ticket,'observed the father of considered in these our days, though that young gentleman, who, after seve. by no means indispensably necessary ral unsuccessful efforts, got off his in the olden time, that that function. chair at last, snorting like a walrus, ary should previously be called to the and bundled into the front shop in bar, it was inwardly resolved by the obedience to the paternal injunction. father of the Two-to-ones that Frede.
“ I knows this 'ere flat iron this rick-William should, with all imaginfour year,” observed “ my uncle,” able speed, be qualified, by a call to taking up his old acquaintance; “the the bar, for the honourable and influ. old gal as owns it gets a livin' by ential station of the woolsack. In his washin' o' sodgers' shirts, and spouts cogitations upon this subject, it never this 'ere harticle venhever them seven entered the old usurer's head to en. brats what she's got begins at her for quire, whether his son was fit for the bread. She's always werry bad off ven profession of the law-whether he she spouts her flat-iron."
would like the profession of the law « That's vy I cuts her down to or whether he would have the remotthreepence, deary," interrupted Mrs est glimmering of success at the proTwo-to-one, with a wink at her better fession of the law; all that he thought half. “ I knows as how she can't get upon the subject was, that it would berlivin' without that 'ere, so the littler be a fine thing for him to be able to she gets she comes the oftener.” see Fred the lawyer's speeches re
“ Right, ducky,” remarked “myported in the newspapers, and to be uncle" approvingly; “ the interest's able to get so many franks when the same, you knows, for a month or Freddy would be in the House of a day-so we screws it out of the old Lords doing a snug business as Lord dust all the oftener."
High Chancellor. “ Ve arp't turned less nor five I am the less surprised at the selfish bob on that there harticle, I'm sure, turn which the ambitious cogitations this blessed 'ear since Genewerry," of the veteran pawnbroker took upon observed Mrs Two-to.one.
this occasion, inasmuch as nine out of “ No, I'm sartin sure we arn't,” every ten elderly gentlemen whose assented Mrs Two-to-one's better sons suck their thumbs like young half.
bears in the purlieus of the Temple $i Let-me-see," calculated Mrs and Westminster Hall, with grey Two-to-one, putting her fingers in an mares' tails (not paid for) stuck upon arithmetical position—" tvice a-veek the outsides of their heads, have been up our spout and tvice a-veek down brought to this deplorable condition our spout-two browns a-veek reg- by a train of reflection precisely simi. gler- very well-how many veeks in lar in selfishness and folly to the train yer 'ear?-Eh! Timmy?"
of reflection that dictated the final de. “ Fisty_let me scratch-I knows termination of " my uncle." This it's filty. summut, but vether its fifty- final determination, which was nothing threer or fifty-seven, blow me tight if less than the elevation of son Freddy I knows_Yer had as good ax Freddy" to the woolsack, was communicated --insinuated Mr Timothy Two-to. to Mrs Two-to-one that very identi. pne,
cal night in bed, where the old couple laid their noses together and settled one of the waiters at Lincoln's Inn, the matter to their mutual satisfaction, who was a friend of the family, that Mrs Two-to-one confirming by her the dinners were more plentiful, and approval the resolution of her spouse, the wine twice as strong there as at for several reasons replete with mater- the Temple, the destination of the nal wisdom and affection, but especi- youthful aspirant was immediately ally because it would vex old Balls, the changed, with the full approbation other rich pawnbroker of Holborn and consent of the pawnbroker and bars, who had purchased a commission his wife, who wisely observed that in a marching regiment for his son, their son "could tuck in a pretty good Mr Fitzstephen-Augustus Balls, and lot, and they saw no reason in life whose hodious daughters, as Miss Se- why they should not have full value raphina Two-to-one called them, were for their money." perpetually handing round Holborn As the usual preliminary to being bars bundles of perfumed letters re- admitted a regular customer of the ceived by them from their brother great eating-house of Lincoln's Inn, Haugustus the hofficer! “ It would all aspirants for that high honour are cut their livers out,” Mrs Two-to-one required to produce to the Steward of classically remarked, " to think that the Inn a medical certificate of their my son Freddy is for to come for to digestive powers, the form whereof, go to be a barrystir at the lawr, and for the use and benefit of all future for to sit on the Lord Chancellor's applicants, I hereafter insert:woolpack without never payin' a six- is We, the undersigned, having duly pence, as his mother had for to pay- and solemnly examined Mr Fredericka bless him! Vell, Timmy dear, who'd William Two-to-one on two several a ever a thort it that our Fred would occasions, the examination of the first a cum to sichin a 'igh sitivation; and as day being confined to roast pork and for them hodious Ballses over the way, pickled salmon, that of the second to what takes in stolen goods or any baked mackerel and fried liver with think, for my part, I must have my bacon, do certify, under our several say out-I can't a bear 'em!" How hands and wafers, that Mr Frederick much more Mrs Two-to-one might William Two-to-one is in full posseshave said upon the subject of her son sion of his digestive powers, and a Freddy, the odious Ballses, or the proper person to be admitted of this honourable profession of the law, it is Inn, for the purpose of guttling his utterly impossible for me to say ; her way to the bar. oration being suspended for that (Signed) evening by the involuntary perform
" A. B., M.D., L.S. ance of a solo on his natural trombone
« C, D., M.R.C.S., L.S. by her lord and master, which indi.
M.A.C., L.S." cated that gentlemen's utter unconsci. ousness of all that his better-half had If the candidate for admission hapbeen talking about for the last three pens to be in possession of a testimoquarters of an hour.
nial from Cartwright the dentist as to The peripatetic reader will have the the condition of his teeth, more espepoliteness to walk with Mr Frederick- cially the incisors and molars, he will William Two-to-one and myself down not be a whit the worse for it. Holborn into Chancery Lane, and The next little matter to be attended thence turning to the right under a to in the Steward's office is to gi ve Gothic gateway to the Steward's office security for the victuals and drink that in Lincoln's Inn, where Mr Two-to- you are expected to devour, or what one has finally decided to enter his Doctor O'Toole very emphatically name, on purpose to commencing the calls the “ating and the drinking ; gastronomic course of study, for which, and this was done in the case of young. as we have seen, by his performances Two-to-one, as in every other case, upon the “ toad in the hole,” that by the deposit of a hundred pounds young gentleman was so admirably I should rather say by the sacrifice qualified. The Temple was at first of one hundred pounds, because, al. selected as the Inn which was to have though at the time of payment it is the honour of employing its cooks in called a deposit, it becomes, in the the service of young Two-to-one; course of the “ ating and drinking," a bụt it being happily ascertained from lien in the hands of the Benchers, and
6. E. F.,
is generally taken out by the young pounds being for stamp duties and fees) lawyer in grub. The Benchers very poorer than he left it. Master Frenaturally look for this security, know. derick-William, in the mean time, took ing that if they were to find roast legs an airing in Lincoln's Inn gardens, of impregnable mutton and bottles of among the little nursery boys and girls, red-hot port on their own responsibi- to whose almost exclusive use that spality, the whole town would hasten to cious enclosure is appropriated, throwthe Inn to do them honour, and all ing, at intervals, longing lingering London become but one gigantic law. glances at the dining-hall clock, and yer. Accordingly, for fear of acci- sharpening the edge of his appetite by dents, and lest the young student a succession of turns on the noble tershould drop off in an apoplexy, or choke race that overlooks Lincoln's Inn himself wiih the back-bone of a baked Fields, as if equally impressed with his mackerel, as often happens, care is venerable father of the propriety of taken that the parents, friends, or having value for his money ! guardians of the youth shall be made As the hour of half-past four draws responsible for the damage-so that nigh, the gardens gradually fill with at the present time Lincoln's Inn is enthusiastic students eager for the fray, the only eating-house in London where and all eyes are directed towards the the customers pay in advance. tardy clock, that, having no appetite of
Formerly there was no further check its own to satisfy, seems determined not upon the students than their own ho to hurry Phæbus' cattle to satisfy the nour, and the consequence was the Inn appetites of others, but slowly and sebecame impoverished, and the Bench- dately “walks its lonely round” of the ers began to talk of surrendering en dial-plate with a most provoking gramasse for the purpose of taking the vity of motion. A loud noise now atbenefit of the insolvent act, the im- tracts the attention of Master Fredemortal oyster-eater (Dando) and se- rick-William Two-to-one, and, directveral other gentlemen of his descrip- ing his steps to the great door of the tion, having become members of the dining hall, whence the noise is heard to Inn, and carrying all before them. proceed, he observes a mob of students The present system, however, saved gathered round, jostling, hustling, and the Inn from total ruin, and by en- kicking one another's shins, with all hancing the price of admission, swells the pertinacity of professional ambithe number of candidates panting to tion—but all in vain ; for the two or be admitted; for you will not fail to three interior strata of the mob, being observe, that in this country, if you composed of hungry broad-shouldered make admission any where difficult, Irish students, foil the more remote and give out that the entertainment is aspirants in every effort to approach considered vastly genteel, you will the door, the Hibernians holding on by have all the men canvassing, and all the doorposts, manfully kicking the the women pulling caps for tickets, door, and determined, apparently by though the spectacle be a pas de deux their energetic agitation, to insist on of dancing-dogs, the erudition of the - Justice to Ireland.” The mob galearned pig, or the vagaries of the thers imperceptibly, and blocks up
the comical donkey! This is the reason public thoroughfare - the hustling, why all the unappropriated young jostling, and swaying to and fro of gentlemen and sons of pawnbrokers contending portions of the crowd, beflock to Lincoln's Inn, and this it was comes more and more energetic—the that brought thither Master Frederick Milesians at the door are evidently William Two-to-one.
kicking the panels in—a magistrate, The preliminaries being now ar- who happens to be passing, runs home ranged satisfactorily, and security for the Riot Act, and a posse of the new given in the usual form that all the police arrives to act as an army of obgrub to be eaten would be paid for, servation. Suddenly, within the gate the pawnbroker returned to Holborn a grateful sound, as of the withdrawal bars with such elation of countenance of bolts, is heard—the swaying to and and agility of step, that it would have fro, the hustling and the jostling, are cut the liver out of old Balls, the rival all exchanged for an uniform forward pawnbroker, to have seen him, ale pressure-the Milesians are on the qui though he did go home just one hun- vive-the doors open-the rush, fully dred and fifty odd pounds (the fifty odd equal to that of the pit-door at Drury