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However, out they went, under this wise conduct; but, before they went out, old Grisle, his whelps, and his lap-dogs (for I call them his, because, as I told you but now, they were most of his own getting) thought it convenient, for their better security, to muzzle all the mastiffs, and tie them fast in a strong line of passive obedience and non-resistance; and, as soon as that was effectually done, then out they went all together.
And, all the way they went, old Grisle, his whelps, and his lap- dogs, did frisk, and skip, and leap, and bounce, and yelp, being all over-joyed, that they should see some sport anon (for most of them had never seen a bear before in their lives) and oh! how they whipped the bear about, and swinged him off, all the way, in their own fancies!
Says old, proud, impotent, self-conceited, empty Grisle: 'Gentler men whelps, and gentlemen lap-dogs, courage! here is confusion to 'the bear. Huzza! shew yourselves to be but what you are, viz. true whelps, and right lap-dogs, and I desire no more: for, by your assistance, I have power enough to beat all the bears in France. I have been a whelp and a lap-dog myself in my time, as well as the best of you all: And, to my certain knowledge, an English whelpjor lap-dog, is able to grapple with a French bear at any time; wherefore, we need no scouts to go before, to bring us notice of the bear's approach; for, as soon as he comes within hearing of your terrible yelping, he will be glad to retire fast enough of his own accord, I warrant you: Therefore, courage my beloved whelps and. lap-dogs! here's confusion once more to the bear!—huzza! yelp I yelp! yelp!' But old Grisle had scarce ended these words, nor was the yelping quite ceased, when lo! all on a sudden, the unexpected roaring of the bear quite surprised, dashed, astonished, and stunned the whole pack of mongrels; which made old Grisle shrink in his tail between his legs, and hang down his head (and if it had been hung up, not a halfpenny damage) and made all the whelps and lap-dogs begin to whine and whimper about him, and fawn upon him, with wagging tails, clapped in behind, lank ears before, couchant heads, and tears in their eyes. But, on the other side, it made the brave mastiffs prick up their ears, and drew rage and foam from their mouths, and fire from their very eyes, to be at the bear. Bless me! what a difference there is, between right true-bred mastiffs, and whiffling curs!
(For you must know, the great bear was, by an unexpected hurricane, driven to a bay, fresh-water bay, or else he had seized, and hugged old Grisle, and all his whelps and lap-dogs, just as the devil hugs a witch, before they had been aware of it, and was there confined in Lob's pound, and tied as fast, as a bear to a stake; which made him suck his paws, and fret in his grease, and roar after that hideous manner.)
However, old Grisle was forced, by the rage and importunity of the mastiffs, to go and shew them the bear: And, to give the devil his due, he did shew them the bear, and that was all: For, when he plainly perceived, that the French were really there with their bearrf he immediately took all possible care, to stand at a distance enough, out of harm's way; and outof the way of doing harm to any, but the forward mastitis.
But had the first, second, and third-rate mastiffs been then let loose, when they were fresh and untired; and when they had a strong direct gale to carry them, to the bear's very nose; they would certainly have torn him to pieces in a trice. For he was so hemmed in, on every side, that he could not stir one way or other; neither could any of the mastiffs have been there lost or sunk, they being then, at the mouth of the best kennel, or port, in Europe: When, at the same time, the bear was above a hundred-leagues from his den. And besides, there was another strong party, or two, of stout third, fourth, and fifth-rate mastiffs, out at the same time, to have intercepted the bear in his way, if, after the first mastiffs tearing him, he should have endeavoured to make his escape home. Here were all the advantages, that heaven and earth could grant, at once; and all the favourable opportunities, that man could ask, or that God need grant: and nothing wanting but courage, conduct, skill, and honesty, to accomplish the utter destruction of the bear for evermore. Never had spaniel such an opportunity of losing his own name, and gaining the reputation of a mastiff; and never had whelps and lap-dogs such an opportunity, to ingratiate themselves with, and gain the applause and esteem of all mankind, as well as of womankind and children. But I find the poet is in the right on it, who says:
Naturum expcllas furca licet, usque recurret. Nature recoils, and, though you hang the dog, Yet he will die, just as he liv'd, a rogue. For, as soon as old Grisle, his whelps,and his lap-dogs, espied the vast bulk of the bear's body, the wideness of his jaws, the largeness of his paws, and the length of his claws, as if they had seen raw-head and bloody-bones, they turned all as white presently, as my lady's night-trail. But by the thundering noise of the mastiffs, and by the powerful help of brandy, being somewhat roused out of their fainting fit, they began at last, though it was long first, to recover a little out of their clammy sweat: and then they called a council, as they called it. And there, you might have seen all the whelps and lap-dogs lying panting round old Grisle, and looking up to him, in this time of need, and he looking down upon them again, with most pitiful countenances, on both sides; and, all the while, making a most intolerable stink, for fear of the bear: Nay, such a strange stink, that I am forced to hold my nose,even now, whilst I am speaking of it; and to cry,' Out, y« Stinking curs! Faw! out, and be hanged! Faw! out, for shame, and make room for the mastiffs!'
However, at long-run, old Grisle made a shift to open his jaws, and held them open, a long while, without speaking ever a word, for he well knew, they understood his meaning by his gaping: Yet, at last, with much ado, and with as much hesitation, trembling, and shaking, as if he had been in the house of commons, he broke silence, and snarled out these following sentences, to the great joy of the whelps and lap-dogs; but to the deep grief and regret of the mas. tifl's, and to the everlasting stain, and eternal reproach of the English nation, viz.
4 Gentlemen whelps, and gentlemen lap-dogs, I lately saw, when.
* I was so often and so long on shore in London, and at Portsmouth
* (that the very watermen called me Lord Tarry-at-home, and Lord 'Tarry-in-town) then I say, I saw a very good book, nay, which it 4 more, a convocation book, in Mall Hinton's closet (or rather, ken
* nel) for, I must tell you, she is a very devout creature, a mighty
* lover of convocations, and no good thing can come out, but she, 4 good girl, will presently take it in. And there in that book I re. 4member it is laid down, by the venerable authority of a certain kind
*of a certain sort of a convocation, as an undoubted principle of our
* church (for I was never of any church, that was for true fighting, 4 no more than you) vis. That, whatever powers here below are
*settled and fixed, we ought to pay ample allegiance, non-resistance, 4 and passive-obedience to them. And you know well enough, that 4 our master, the lion, is not so very well settled and fixed at this 4 time; for he is not yet passed the Boyne, and there is a deep water 4 for him to wade through up to the chin, and several French bears iu 4his way, before he can reach Dublin. But on the other side you 'plainly see, That the great French bear, here, is settled and fixed 'before your eyes: And, for my part, I have often found great civi4 lities from French bears; and so, I hope, I may again. Where. 4 fore, gentlemen whelps, and gentlemen lap-dogs, though you are 4 young, yet I am old; and it is high time for me to follow the vir. 4 tuous exnmple of Mall Hinton, and to walk by convocation rules: 4 And, therefore, I am clearly of the same opinion with the venera4 able convocation, viz. That we ought, in the first place, to keep 'our distance, to consider where we are, and in whose presence we 'be, and to see who and who stand together; and also, to keep to the 'saving doctrine of non-assistance, till we hear a little better which, 4 way things go, and till we are fully satisfied what is become of the 4 Irish affairs: And yet, notwithstanding, in the mean time, to pay all 4 dutiful respects to the settled power of the bear (who was drivea 4into the bay by a hurricane, and so has plainly God's authority) 4 and especially, to keep close to our beloved-church-rules, and my 'old, natural, spaniel-rules, of non-resistance, and passive.obedience, 4during our whole retreat.' At which periodical snarl, all the whelpa and lap-dogs heaved up their drooping heads, and cried yelp, yelp, yelp; but the Inreged mastiffs swore, bow—wow—wow. This was the warlike resolution, the admirable, or admiral-like de. termination, and positive injunction of old Grille; whcreuntoall the whelps and lap-dogs unanimously agreed, and punctually observed it, like so many dogs in a string; and hung down their heads all the way, like so many sheep.biters; finding now, by sad experience, the great difference between bear-baiting, and sheep-biting.
But, however, the mastiffs, both English and Dutch, could not en. dure to be held so long, six or seven days together, by a pack of sua. green curs, in such an unreasonable line, a line of five or six leagues distance, at least, from the bear, the grand enemy of mankind, and from their duty of attacking him.
Therefore, to be thus unjustly restrained in spight of their courage, nay, in spight of their teeth, by a company of whifflers, made the mastiffs rave, and grow almost stark-staring mad, for want of sleep and rest; but especially for want of fighting; for fighting is their meat and drink. A true tarpaulin fights only to eat, and eats only to fight again. And there were enough with them to eat up the bear; and sharpers enough in every thing else, but fighting; and more by a great many (though not by a good many) than those that devoured the great Spanish bear in 1588.
Whereupon the lioness, hearing the loud-mouthed voice of her mastiffs, both English and Dutch, speaking the same thing, and, which is strange, the same language, and both countries agreeing in the same verdict, viz. That the mastiffs were abused, curbed, and muzzled by a parcel of mongrels; therefore she roused up her royal wrath, and sent positive orders to the curs, either to permit the mastiffs to fight, or else to come presently themselves to her den in the Tower.
This royal eccho startled the spaniel, the whelps, and the lapdogs worse, if possible, than the roaring of the bear had done before: For now, being almost nine days old in their iniquity, the whelps began to see, that there was another settled power, besides the bears.
Thus old Grisle, his whelps, and his lap-dogs, being reduced to a great streight, for fear of the lioness on one side, and of the bear on the other; and, yet, being willing to curry favour with both sides, and to keep to the convocation-rules of non-resistance of the settled power of the lioness, and of passive-obedience to the fixed power of the bear: Therefore, they craftily and cunningly resolved (as if they had been so many schoolmen, or doctors of metaphysical notions and distinctions) that they would sacredly, or, rather cursedly, observe a strict neutrality on both sides.
In pursuance whereof, old Grisle, in the first place, making his honours, his bows, and his profound congees to the bear; and, then, making his obeisance to the lioness, and, withal, making a shew of praying, but not fighting, for King William and Queen Mary: he Lung out the bloody flag, as they use to do at the bear-garden, and proclaimed free liberty for all to fight, that had a mind to it. Fight dog, fight bear, for him, and his.
Whereupon the brave Tyrrell, the undaunted Dorrell, and several other English, and above twenty Dutch mastiffs, all as good as ever run at a bear (and, oh! that the courageous and victorious Shovel had been amongst them!) though they were before almost quite throttled, spent, and strangled by being held back so long from their sport, in such an unreasonable line, yet now took fresh courage, and broke the line, and left the mongrels behind to their due, the line; and ran full speed forwards, and made directly at the bear with open mouths; and stared fire, and gaped smoke, and spoke thunder, and darted thunderbolts, and hurled whirlwinds at the bear; and so scorched, blighted, blasted, and twisted him; and gave him such rents, such gashes, such breaches, and such shocks, that they made him groan, and reel backwards at their very first onset: And, had they been seconded, as they ought, we should never have been trou. bled hereafter with any more French-dancing bears again.
And though I will hold ten English crowns to one French crown at any time, upon any of these mastiffs heads, both Dutch and Kng. lish, against any French cub whatsoever of equal size: and though I have great reason always to lament my own insolvency, in that I am notable ever to pay sufficient expressions of gratitude and thankful. ness to everyone of these glorious assailants; and particularly to the Dutch, because I find, they had not so many whelps and lap-dogs amongst them, as we had; no, nor so many jackcalls neither.
Yet, after all, I beseech you, gentlemen, bear with my weak. ness, and pardon the infirmity of my judgment, if it be so, and give me leave to say, That my main bet is more especially reserved for, and fixed upon, the brave Tyrrell: A hundred to one on his head at any time? His name is Wonder, a right English mastiff, and a true. bred tarpaulin; who never gave an affront, and never brooked one; who is of such strange humility, goodness, and modesty; and yet, at the same time, of such unparalleled courage, knowledge, and bravery, that, I protest, I have often gazed at the man in raptures of admiration; and always thought him a great blessing to this nation, if we understood him; that is to say, at which I know all the jackealls will grin, if we understood how to employ true virtue, true honesty, true valour, true skill, true conduct, and true merit to the best advantage; and if we understood how to pitch upon a man, that can, by his own private interest and repute amongst all true tarpaulins, man out a whole fleet at any time without a press.
But these, indeed, would be too many blessings wrapped up in one; and the powerful spirit of the ever-blessed Bishop Usher, still sur. wring in his grandson, would make too good an admiral for so bad an age, as this is.
Neither would I have old envious Grisle, nor any of his malicious whelps, or lap-dogs, think, that Captain Tyrrell is any ways privy to this commendation: No, good man, he would have been the only obstacle against it, if he had known it; for he is neither for praising himself, nor dispraising others.
But yet, I hope, my Lord Grisle, master whelps, and master lapdogs, you will give me leave to speak the truth concerning your worships; who was a spectator and stander-by all the while, as well as you; especially, since you have made me, and all my countrymen, pay so dear for our standing at your special bear-baiting; nay, me. thinks, you might out of modesty, if you had any, give us leave to speak, who are such great losers by you : And more especially, since you have brought things to such a pass, that, if we do not speak now, we must forever hereafter hold our peace; for you have bid the last bans of matrimony between us and destruction.
Wherefore, since I neither do, nor can, speak evil of the rulers of the people. vii. King William and Queen Mary; of whom, by whom,