There was one John Appleby, a gardener, fell in love with one Mrs. Curran, for her cherry cheeks and her lily white hand; and soon after he got her consent to graft upon her stock. Mr. Link, the parson, was sent for, who joined the loving pair together. Mr. Rowintree and Mr. Holyoak were bridemen. The company were, my Lady Joan Keel, who came-a-mile a foot to compliment them; and her maid Sally, remarkable for her carrots, that rid upon a chesnut. There was Dr. Burrage too, a constant medlar in other people's affairs. He was lately impeach'd for murdering Don Quick-set. Mrs. Lettice Skirret and Mrs. Rose merry were the bride-maids; the latter sang a song to oblige the company, which an arch wag called a funeral dirge: but, notwithstanding this, our friend John began to thrive upon matrimony like a twig in a bush. I forgot to tell you that the tailor had so much cabbage out of the wedding suit, there was none at all for supper.

R. 22. The Rule of Inoculating is, when a person makes an excellent pun, and you immediately fix another upon it as Dean one day said to a gentle

:

man, who had a very little bob wig, "Sir, the dam of your wig is a whisker ;" upon which I came in very à propos, and said, "Sir, that cannot be, for it is but an car-wig."

rable-rable

R. 23. The Rule of Desertion allows you to bring a man into a pun, and leave him to work it out: as, suppose you should hear a man say the word incomparable Then you proceed, in-com-in-com-par-par-So let the other make his best of it. R. 24 The Salick Rule is a pretence to a jumping of wits that is, when a man has made a good pun, the other swears with a pun he was just coming out with it. One night, I remember, Mr. served Dr. The former saying over a bottle, "Will, I am for my

SO.

mistress here."

"How so?" says Tom.

for Wine if-red."

*

Why, I am ** said Tom,

By this crooked stick," "I was coming out with it."

R. 25. The Etymological Rule is, when a man hunts a pun through every letter and syllable of a word: as, for example, I am asked, "What is the best word to spend an evening with ?" I answer "Potatoes; for there is po-pot-pota-potat-potatoe, and the reverse sot-a-top."

R. 26. The Rule of Mortification is when a man having got the thanks and laugh of a company for a good pun, an enemy to the art swears he read it in "Cambridge Jests." This is such an inversion of it, that I think I may be allowed to make examples of these kind of people in verse:

Thus puppies, that adore the dark,
Against bright Cynthia howl and bark;
Although the Regent of the Night,
Like us, is gay with borrow'd light.

R. 27. The Professionary Rulet is, to frame a story, and swear you were present at an event where every

* Cane-a-wry; i. e. Canary.

† An improvement on this Rule, which Dr. Swift has adopted in his "Full and true account of Wood's Procession to the Gallows," attracted the following warm applause of the noble Author of the Remarks. "I have said so much in one of my former letters of the cause which gave rise to them (the Drapier's Letter,) and of the effect which they had upon the nation, that I need say no more in this place, than to recommend them to your perusal, for the style and conduct of their manner: but, lest they may appear too grave to so young a man, and one who is so little interested in the present, and much less in the past affairs of Ireland, you will find a paper at the end of them that will excite your risibility, or I am mistaken. The whole is a piece of ridicule too powerful for the strongest gravity to withstand." Orrery's Remarks, p. 126. Yet what at last is this merry-making machine? Why the author describes the several ar

man talked in his own calling; ex. gr. Major swears, he was present at the seizing of a pick pocket by a great rabble in Smithfield; and that he heard

A Taylor say, "Send the dog to Hell."

The Cook, "Let me be at him, I'll baste him.”

The Joiner," It is plain the dog was caught in the fact; I samo him."

The Blacksmith, "He is a fine spark indeed !"

The Butcher, "Knock down the shambling cur."

The Glazier, "Make the light shine through him.”
The bookseller, " Bind him over."

The Saddler," Pummel him."

The Farmer, "Thrash the dog."

A Popish Priest going by, "I'll make the Devil fly out of him.”

R. 28. The Brazen-head Rule is, when a Punster stands his ground against a whole company, though there is not one to side with him, to the utter destruction of all conversation but his own. As for instancesays one, "I hate a pun."-Then he, "When a pun is meant, is it a punishment ?”—“ Deuce take your quibbling ?"-"Sir, I will not bate you an ace, cinque me if I do; and I'll make you know that I am a sice above you." -"This fellow cannot talk out of his element." "To divert you, was all I meant.”

tificers attending W. Wood (represented by a log of timber) to the gallows, and each of them expressing his resentment in the terms of his calling the cook will baste him: the bookseller will turn over a new leaf with him; the tailor will sit on his skirts. His lordship then leads up the laugh, with Risum teneatis, amici? If he did not, we should want such a note as the prudent parson put to the pathetic part of his funeral sermon. Here pull out your handkerchief, and weep. Every apprentice, who has not sense enough to learn his art, is soon able to apply the terms of it to this kind of banter and ridicule. And though I blame not the Drapier for falling into it, as it was characteristic of the persons he describes, and suited to the taste of those for whom he wrote, yet I own I am too phlegmatic to shake my sides at it. W. B.

R. 29. The Hypothetic Rule* is, when you suppose things hardly consistent to be united for the sake of a pun : as for instance-suppose a person in the pillory had received a full discharge of eggs upon every part of his face but the handle of it; why would he make the longest verses in the world? Ans. Versos Alexandrinos, i. e. All-eggs-and-dry-nose.

R. 30. The Rule of Naturalization is, that punning is free of all languages: as, for the Latin Romanos, you may say "Roman nose"-Temeraria, “ Tom, where are you ?”—Oxoniæ prospectus, "Pox on you, pray speak to us." For the French, quelque chose, you may say in English "kick shoes." When one says of a thief, "I wish he was transported ;" answer, "he is already fur enough." Dr. Swift made an excellent advantage of this rule one night when a certain peevish gentleman in his company had lost his spectacles, he bid him "have a good heart; for, if it continued raining all night, he would find them in the morning.""Pray how so ?”—“ Why, sir,

t

"Nocte pluit tota, redeunt spectacula manè."

R. 31. The Rule of Random. When a man speaks any thing that comes uppermost, and some good punfinder discovers what he never meant in it; then he is to say, "You have hit it!" As major did: complaining that he staid at home by reason of an issue in a leg, which was just beginning to run, he was answered by Mr. I wonder that you should be confiued, who have such running legs." The Major replied, "You have hit it; for I meant that."

66

* Improved by Dr. Swift into "A Discourse to prove the Antiquity of the English Tongue." N.

R. 32. The Rule of Scandal. Never to speak well of another Punster; ex. gr. 66 Who, he! Lord, sir, he has not sense enough to play at crambo;" or, "He does not know the meaning of synonymous words;" or, "He never rose so high as a conundrum or a carrywhichit."

R. 33. The Rule of Catch is, when you hear a man conning a pun softly to himself, to whip it out of his mouth, and pass it upon the company for your own: as for instance; Mustard happened to be mentioned in company where I was; and a gentleman, with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, was at Mus—mus, sinapi—snap eye-bite nose-One in company, overhearing him, bit him, and snapped it up; and said, "Mustard is the stoutest seed in the world, for it takes the greatest men by the nose.'

R. 34. The Golden Rule allows you to change one syllable for another; by this, you may either lop off, insert, or add to a word; ex. gr.

Church-Kirk,

For Bangor Clangor,
Presbyter-Hasbiter, &c.

This Rule is of such consequence, that a man was once tried for his life by it. The case was thus: A certain man was brought before a judge of assize for murder, his lordship asked his name, and, being answered Spillman, the judge said, "Take away Sp. and his nanie is Ill man; put K to it, and it is Kill man: away with him, jailer; his very name has hanged him." This 34th Rule, on this occasion, became a rule of court, and was so well liked, that a justice of peace, who shall be nameless, applied every tittle of it to a man brought to him upon the same account, after this manner: