with the other: efpecially fince here the cafe of the Patient is the more helpless and deplorable of the two, as this unfortunate paffion is more blind than the other. There are people, who difcover from their very youth a moft amorous inclination to themselves; which is unhappily nurs'd by fuch Mothers, as, with their good will, would never fuffer their children to be croffed in love. Eafe, luxury, and idleness, blow up this flame as well as the other: Conftant opportunities of conversation with the perfon beloved (the greatest of incentives) are here impoffible to be prevented. Bawds and pimps in the other love, will be perpetually doing kind offices, speaking a good word for the party, and carry about Billet doux. Therefore I ask you, Madam, if this Gentleman has not been much frequented by Flatterers, and a fort of people who bring him dedications and verfes? O Lord! Sir,

(quoth the Aunt) the houfe is haunted with "them."-There it is (replied Scriblerus) thofe are the bawds and pimps that go between a man and himself. Are there no civil Ladies, that tell him he dreffes well, has a gentlemanly air, and the like? "Why truly, Sir, my Nephew is not aukward."-Look you, Madam, this is a misfortune to him: In former days thefe fort of lovers were happy in one respect, that they never had any rivals, but of late they have all the Ladies fo-Be pleased to answer a few questions more. Whom does he generally talk of? Himfelf, quoth the Aunt.-———— Whose wit and breeding does he most commend ? His own, quoth the Aunt.---Whom does he write letters to? Himself.---Whom does he dream of? All the dreams I ever heard were of himself.---Whom is he ogling yonder? Himself in his looking-glafs.----Why does he throw back his head in that languishing pofture? Only to be bleft with a fmile of himself as he paffes by.---Does he ever steal

a kiss from himself, by biting his lips? Oh continually, till they are perfect vermillion.--- Have you observed him to use Familiarities with any body? "With none but himself: he often embraces him"felf with folded arms, he claps his hand often 66 upon his hip, nay fometimes thrusts it into his "breast."

Has this

Madam, faid the Doctor, all these are strong fymptoms; but there remain a few more. amorous gentleman prefented himfelf with any Love-toys; fuch as gold Snuff-boxes, repeating Watches, or Tweezer cafes? thofe are things that in time will foften the most obdurate heart. "Not "only fo (faid the Aunt) but he bought the other "day a very fine brillant diamond Ring for his

..

own wearing."-Nay, if he has accepted of this Ring, the intrigue is very forward indeed, and it is high time for friends to interpose-Pray Madam, a word or two more: Is he jealous that his acquaintance do not behave themselves with refpect enough? will he bear jokes and innocent freedoms? By no means; a familiar appellation makes him 66 angry; if you shake him a little roughly by the "hand, he is in a rage; but if you chuck him "under the chin, he will return you a box on the

66

ear."-Then the cafe is plain: he has the true Pathognomick fign of Love, Jealousy; for no body will fuffer his miftrefs to be treated at that rate. Madam, upon the whole this Cafe is extremely dangerous. There are fome people who are far gone in this paffion of felf-love; but then they keep a very fecret Intrigue with themselves, and hide it from all the world befides. But this Patient has not the least care of the Reputation of his Beloved, he is downright fcandalous in his behaviour with himself; he is enchanted, bewitch'd, and almost paft cure. However let the following methods be try'd upon him.

IL 2

First,

Firft, let him *** Hiatus ***. Secondly, let him wear a Bob-wig. Thirdly, fhun the company of flatterers, nay of ceremonious people, and of all Frenchmen in general. It would not be amifs if he travelled over England in a Stage-coach, and made the Tour of Holland in a Track-scoute. Let him return the Snuff boxes, Tweezer-cafes (and particularly the Diamond Ring) which he has received from himself. Let fome kn wing friend represent to him the many vile Qualities of this Miftrefs of his let him be fhewn that her Extravagance, Pride, and Prodigality will infallibly bring him to a morfel of bread: Let it be proved, that he has been falfe to himself, and if Treachery is not a fufficient cause to discard a Mistress, what is? In fhort let him be made to fee that no mortal befides himself either loves or can fuffer this Creature. Let all Looking-glaffes, polifhed Toys, and even clean Plates be removed from him, for fear of bringing back the admired object. Let him be taught to put off all those tender airs, affected fmiles, languishing looks, wanton toffes of the head, coy motions of the body, that mincing gait, foft tone of voice, and all that enchanting womanlike behaviour, that has made him the charm of his own eyes, and the object of his own adoration. Let him furprize the Beauty he adores at a difadvantage, furvey himself naked, divefted of artificial charms, and he will find himself a forked ftradling Animal, with bandy legs, a fhort neck, a dun hide, and a pot-belly. It would be yet better, if he took a strong purge once a week, in order to contemplate himself in that condition: at which time it will be convenient to make ufe of the Letters, Dedications, etc. abovefaid. Something like this has been obferved by Lucretius and others to be a powerful remedy in the cafe of Women. If all this will not do, I must e'en leave the poor man to his

destiny,

deftiny. Let him marry himself, and when he is condemned eternally to himself, perhaps he may run to the next pond to get rid of himself, the Fate of moft violent Self-lovers.

CHAP. XII.

How Martinus endeavoured to find out the Seat of the Soul, and of his Correfpondence with the Free-Thinkers.

IN

N this Design of Martin to investigate the Diseafes of the Mind, he thought nothing fo neceffary as an Enquiry after the Seat of the Soul; in which at first he laboured under great uncertainties. Sometimes he was of opinion that it lodged in the Brain, fometimes in the Stomach, and fometimes in the Heart. Afterwards he thought it abfurd to confine that fovereign Lady to one apartment, which made him infer that she shifted it according to the several functions of life: The Brain was her Study, the Heart her State-room, and the Stomach her Kitchen. But as he saw several Offices of life went on at the fame time, he was forced to give up this Hypothefis alfo. He now conjectured it was more for the dignity of the Soul to perform feveral operations by her little Minifters, the Animal Spirits, from whence it was natural to conclude, that she refides in different parts according to different Inclinations, Sexes, Ages, and Profeffions. Thus in Epicures he feated her in the mouth of the Stomach, Philofophers have her in the Brain, Soldiers in their Heart, Women in their Tongues, Fidlers in their Fingers, and Rope-dancers in their Toes. At length he grew fond of the Glandula Pinealis, diffecting many Subjects to find out the different

IL 3

different Figure of this Gland, from whence he might discover the cause of the different Tempers in mankind. He fuppofed that in factious and reftlefs-fpirited people he fhould find it sharp and pointed, allowing no room for the Soul to repofe herfelf; that in quiet Tempers it was flat, smooth, and soft, affording to the Soul as it were an easy cushion. He was confirmed in this by obferving, that Calves and Philofophers, Tygers and Statesmen, Foxes and Sharpers, Peacocks and Fops, Cock-Sparrows and Coquets, lonkeys and Players, Courtiers and Spaniels, Moles and Mifers, exactly refemble one another in the conformation of the Pineal Gland. He did not doubt likewise to find the fame refemblance in Highwaymen and Conquerors: In order to fatisfy himself in which, it was, that he purchafed the body of one of the first Species (as hath been before related) at Tyburn, hoping in time to have the happiness of one of the latter too, under his Anatomical knife.

We must not omit taking notice here, that these Enquiries into the Seat of the Soul gave occafion to his first correspondence with the fociety of FreeThinkers, who were then in their infancy in England, and fo much taken with the promifing endowments of Martin, that they ordered their Secretary to write him the following Letter.

To the learned Inquifitor into Nature, MARTINUS SCRIELERUS: The Society of Free-Thinkers greeting.

Grecian Coffee-Houfe, May 7.

Tis with unspeakable joy we have heard of your inquifitive Genius, and we think it great pity that it fhould not be better employed, than in looking after that Theological Non-entity commonly called the Soul: Since after all your enquiries, it