question not but plaufible Conjectures may be made even as to the Time when the blood first began to circulate.- Such difputes as thefe frequently perplex'd the Profeffor to that degree, that he would now and then in a paffion leave him in the middle of a Lecture, as he did at this time.

There unfortunately happened foon after, an unusual accident, which retarded the profecution of the ftudies of Martin. Having purchased the body of a Malefactor, he hir'd a Room for its diffection near the Peft fields in St. Giles's, at a little distance from Tyburn Road, Crambe (to whofe care this body was committed) carried it thither about twelve a clock at night in a Hackney-coach, few House-keepers being very willing to let their lodgings to fuch kind of Operators. As he was foftly stalking up stairs in the dark, with the dead man in his arms, his burthen had like to have flipp'd from him, which he (to fave from falling) grafp'd so hard about the belly, that it forced the wind through the Anus, with a noife exactly like the Crepitus of a living man. Crambe (who did not comprehend how this part of the Animal Ceconomy could remain in a dead man) was fo terrified, that he threw down the body, ran up to his mafter, and had scarce breath to tell him what had happened. Martin with all his Philofophy could not prevail upon him to return to his poft.-You may say what you please (quoth Crambe) no man alive ever broke wind more naturally; nay, he feemed to be mightily relieved by it.-The rolling of the corpfe down ftairs made fuch a noife that it awaked the whole house. The maid fhrick'd, the Jandlady cried out Thieves: but the Landlord, in his shirt as he was, taking a candle in one hand, and a drawn fword in the other, ventured out of the Room. The maid with only a fingle petticoat ran up ftairs, but fpurning at the dead body, fell

upon

upon it in a swoon. Now the landlord ftood ftill and list'ned, then he looked behind him, and ventured down in this manner one ftair after another, till he came where lay his maid, as dead, upon another corpse unknown. The wife ran into the ftreet and cried out Murder! the Watch ran in, while Martin and Crambe, hearing all this uproar, were coming down ftairs. The Watch imagined they were making their efcape, feized them immediately, and carried them to a neighbouring Juftice; where, upon fearching them, feveral kind of knives and dreadful weapons were found upon them. The Juftice firft examined Crambe -What is your Name? fays the Juftice. I have acquired (quoth Crambe) no great Name as yet; they call me Crambe or Crambo, no matter which, as to myself; though it may be fome difpute to poflerity. What is yours and your Mafter's profeffion? "It is our bufinefs to imbrue our hands in blood

''

4

we cut off the heads, and pull out the hearts of "those that never injured us; we rip up big belly'd women, and tear children limb from limb." Martin endeavoured to interrupt him; but the Juftice, being ftrangely aftonifhed with the franknefs of Crambe's Confeffion, ordered him to proceed; upon which he made the following Speech

"May it pleafe your Worship, as touching the body of this man, I can anfwer each head that "my accufers alledge againft me, to a hair. They "have hitherto talk'd like num-fculls without "brains; but if your Worship will not only give

car, but regard me with a favourable eye, I will "not be brow-beaten by the fupercilious looks of my adverfaries, who now ftand cheek by jowl "by your Worfhip. I will prove to their faces,

that their foul mouths have not opened their lips "without a falfity; though they have fhowed "their teeth as if they would bite off my nofe.

"Now,

cr

"Now, Sir, that I may fairly flip my neck out "of the collar, I beg this matter may not be flightly fined over. Tho' I have no man here "to back me, I will unbofom myfelf, fince Truth "is on my fide, and fhall give them their bellies full, though they think they have me upon the Where they fay I came into their lodgings, with army and murdered this man withour their Privity, I declare I had not the least finger in it; and fince I am to ftand upon my own legs, nothing of this matter fhall be left till "I fet it upon a right foot. In the vein I am in, "I cannot for my heart's blood and guts bear this ufage: I fhall not fpare my lungs to defend my

good name: I was ever reckoned a good liver; "and I think I have the bowels of compaffion. I "afk but justice, and from the crown of my head "to the foal of my foot I fhall ever acknowledge "myself your Worship's humble Servant."

The Juftice ftared, the Landlord and Landlady lifted up their eyes, and Martin fretted, while Crambe talk'd in this rambling incoherent manner; till at length Martin begg'd to be heard. It was with great difficulty that the Juftice was convinced, till they fent for the Finisher of human laws, of whom the Corpfe had been purchased; who looking near the left ear, knew his own work, and gave Oath accordingly.

No fooner was Martin got home, but he fell into a paffion at Crambe. "What Dæmon, he "cried, hath poffeffed thee, that thou wilt never "forfake that impertinent cuftom of punning? "Neither my counsel nor my example have thus "mifled thee; thou governeft thyself by moft er"roneous Maxims." Far from it (anfwers Crambe) my life is as orderly as my Dictionary, for by my Dictionary I order my life. I have made a Kalendar of radical words for all the feafons, months,

and

[

and days of the year: Every day I am under the dominion of a certain Word: but this day in particular I cannot be misled, for I am governed by one that rules all fexes, ages, conditions, nay all animals rational and irrational. Who is not governed by the word Led? Our Noblemen and Drunkards are pimp-led, Physicians and Pulfes fee-led, their Patients and Oranges pil-led, a Newmarried Man and an Afs are bride-led, an old married Man and a Pack-horse sad-led, Cats and Dice are rat-led, Swine and Nobility are fty-led, a Coquet and a Tinder-box are spark-led, a Lover and a Blunderer are grove-led. And that I may not be tedious Which thou art (replied Martin, ftamping with his foot) which thou art, I say, beyond all human toleration. Such an unnatural, unaccountable, uncoherent, unintelligible, unprofitable-There it is now! (interrupted Crambe) this is your Day for Uns. Martin could bear no longer-however, compofing his Countenance, Come hither, he cried, there are five pounds, feventeen fhillings and nine pence: thou hast been with me eight months, three weeks, two days, and four hours. Poor Crambe upon the receipt of his Salary, fell into tears, flung the money upon the ground, and burft forth in thefe words: -O Cicero, Cicero! if to pun be a crime, 'tis a rime I have learned from thee: O Bias, Bias! if to pun be a crime, by thy example was I bias'd.Whereupon Martin (confidering that one of the greatest of Orators, and even a Sage of Greece had punned) hefitated, relented, and reinftated Crambe in his Service.

CHA P.

CHAP. IX.

How Martinus became a great Critick.

I go

T was a moft peculiar Talent in Martinus, to convert every Trifle into a ferious thing, either in the way of Life, or in Learning. This can no way be better exemplified, than in the effect which the Puns of Crambe had on the Mind and Studies of Martinus. He conceived, that fomewhat of a like Talent to this of Crambe, of assembling parallel founds, either fyllables, or words, might conduce to the Emendation and Correction of Ancient Authors, if applied to their Works, with the fame diligence, and the fame liberty. He refolved to try first upon Virgil, Horace, and Terence; concluding, that, if the most correct Authors could be fo ferved with any reputation to the Critick, the amendment and alteration of all the rest would eafily follow; whereby a new, a vaft, nay boundless Field of Glory would be opened to the true and abfolute Critic.

This Specimen on Virgil he has given us, in the Addenda to his Notes on the Dunciad. His Terence and Horace are in every body's hands, under the names of Richard B-ley, and Francis H-re. And we have convincing proofs that the late Edition of Milton publifhed in the name of the former of thefe, was in truth the Work of no other than our Scriblerus.

CHAP.