will find a great deal of concealed satire, and, if he be acquainted with the present posture of affairs, will easily discover the meaning of it.

'If there are four persons in the nation who endeavour to bring all things into confusion, and ruin their native country, I think every honest Engl-shm-n ought to be upon his guard. That there are such, every one will agree with me who hears me name **** **, with his first friend and favourite ****, not to mention ****, nor ****. These people may cry ch-rch, ch-rch, as long 10 as they please, but to use a homely proverb, The proof of the p-dd-ng is in the eating. This I am sure of, that if a certain prince should concur with a certain prelate, (and we have Monsieur Z- -n's word for it,) our posterity would be in a sweet p-ckle. Must the British nation suffer forsooth, because my Lady Q-p-t-s has been disobliged? Or is it reasonable that our English fleet, which used to be the terror of the ocean, should lie wind-bound for the sake of a ? I love to speak out and declare my mind clearly, when I am talking for the good of my country. I will not make my court to an ill man, though 20 he were a B- -y or a Tt. Nay, I would not stick to call so wretched a politician, a traitor, an enemy to his country, and a bl-nd-rb-ss,' &c. &c.

30

I

The remaining part of this political treatise, which is written after the manner of the most celebrated authors in Great Britain, may communicate to the public at a more convenient season. In the mean while I shall leave this with my curious reader, as some ingenious writers do their enigmas, and if any sagacious person can fairly unriddle it I will print his explanation, and, if he pleases, acquaint the world with his name.

I hope this short essay will convince my readers, it is not for want of abilities that I avoid state-tracts, and that if I would apply my mind to it, I might in a little time be as great a master of the political scratch as any of the most eminent writers of the age. I shall only add, that in order to outshine all the modern race of Syncopists, and thoroughly content my English readers, I intend shortly to publish a Spectator that shall not have a single vowel in it.

COFFEE-HOUSE SAGES.

313

No. 568. Coffee-house Discussion on the Mysterious Letter.

I was yesterday in a coffee-house not far from the Royal Exchange, where I observed three persons in close conference over a pipe of tobacco; upon which, having filled one for my own use, I lighted it at the little wax-candle that stood before them: and after having thrown in two or three whiffs amongst them, sat down and made one of the company. I need not tell my reader, that lighting a man's pipe at the same candle is looked upon among brother-smokers as an overture to conversation and friendship. As we here laid our heads together in 10 a very amicable manner, being intrenched under a cloud of our own raising, I took up the last Spectator, and casting my eye over it, 'The Spectator,' says I, 'is very witty to-day;' upon which a lusty lethargic old gentleman, who sat at the upper end of the table, having gradually blown out of his mouth a great deal of smoke, which he had been collecting for some time before; 'Ay,' says he, more witty than wise, I am afraid.' His neighbour who sat at his right hand immediately coloured, and, being an angry politician, laid down his pipe with so much wrath that he broke it in the middle, and by that means furnished 20 me with a tobacco-stopper. I took it up very sedately, and looking him full in the face, made use of it from time to time all the while he was speaking: 'This fellow,' says he, 'can't for his life keep out of politics. Do you see how he abuses four great men here?' I fixed my eye very attentively on the paper, and asked him if he meant those who were represented by asterisks. 'Asterisks,' says he, 'do you call them? they are all of them stars. He might as well have put garters to them. Then pray do but mind the two or three next lines: ch-rch and p-dd-ng in the same sentence! our clergy are very much beholden to him.' 30 Upon this the third gentleman, who was of a mild disposition, and, as I found, a Whig in his heart, desired him not to be too severe upon the Spectator neither: 'For,' says he, 'you find he is very cautious of giving offence, and has therefore put two dashes into his pudding.' 'A fig for his dash,' says the angry politician. 'In his next sentence he gives a plain innuendo, that our posterity will be in a sweet p-ckle. What does the fool

mean by his pickle? Why does he not write it at length, if he means honestly?' 'I have read over the whole sentence,' says I; 'but I look upon the parenthesis in the belly of it to be the most dangerous part, and as full of insinuations as it can hold. But who,' says I, 'is my Lady Q-p-t-s?' 'Ay, answer that if you can, Sir,' says the furious statesman to the poor Whig that sat over against him. But without giving him time to reply, 'I do assure you,' says he, 'were I my Lady Q-p-t-s, I would sue him for scandalum magnatum. What is the world come to? Must 10 every body be allowed to- -?' He had by this time filled a

new pipe, and applying it to his lips, when we expected the last words of his sentence, put us off with a whiff of tobacco; which he redoubled with so much rage and trepidation that he almost stifled the whole company. After a short pause, I owned that I thought the Spectator had gone too far in writing so many letters of my Lady Q-p-t-s's name: 'But however,' says I, ‘he has made a little amends for it in his next sentence, where he leaves a blank space without so much as a consonant to direct us. I mean,' says I, 'after those words, "the fleet that used to be the 20 terror of the ocean, should be wind-bound for the sake of a ; after which ensues a chasm, that in my opinion looks modest enough.' 'Sir,' says my antagonist, you may easily know his meaning by his gaping; I suppose he designs his chasm, as you call it, for an hole to creep out at; but I believe it will hardly serve his turn. Who can endure to see the great officers of state, the Bts treated after so scurrilous a manner?' 'I can't imagine,' says I, 'who they are the Spectator means.' 'No?' says he,' your humble servant, Sir!' Upon which he flung himself back in his chair after a con30 temptuous manner, and smiled upon the old lethargic gentleman on his left hand, who, I found, was his great admirer. The Whig however had begun to conceive a good will towards me, and, seeing my pipe out, very generously offered me the use of his box; but I declined it with great civility, being obliged to meet a friend about that time in another quarter of the city.

-ys and T.

At my leaving the coffee-house, I could not forbear reflecting with myself upon that gross tribe of fools who may be termed the over-wise, and upon the difficulty of writing any thing in this censorious age, which a weak head may not construe into private 40 satire and personal reflexion.

WHOLE DUTY OF MAN.

315

A man who has a good nose at an innuendo, smells treason and sedition in the most innocent words that can be put together, and never sees a vice or folly stigmatized, but finds out one or other of his acquaintance pointed at by the writer. I remember an empty pragmatical fellow in the country who, upon reading over The Whole Duty of Man", had written the names of several persons in the village at the side of every sin which is mentioned by that excellent author; so that he had converted one of the best books in the world into a libel against the squire, church10 wardens, overseers of the poor, and all other the most considerable persons in the parish. This book, with these extraordinary marginal notes, fell accidentally into the hands of one who had never seen it before: upon which there arose a current report that somebody had written a book against the squire, and the whole parish. The minister of the place having, at that time, a controversy with some of his congregation upon the account of his tythes, was under some suspicion of being the author, until the good man set his people right, by showing them that the satirical passages might be applied to several others of two or 20 three neighbouring villages, and that the book was writ against all the sinners in England.

VI.

CRITICAL PAPERS.

§ 1. ON WIT, HUMOUR, AND TASTE.

No. 351. On True and False Humour.

Rifu inepto res ineptior nulla eft.-MART.

Among all kinds of Writing, there is none in which Authors are more apt to miscarry than in Works of Humour, as there is none in which they are more ambitious to excell. It is not an Imagination that teems with Monsters, an Head that is filled with extravagant Conceptions, which is capable of furnishing the World with Diversions of this nature; and yet if we look into the Productions of feveral Writers, who set up for Men of Humour, what wild irregular Fancies, what unnatural Distortions of Thought, do we meet with? If they speak Nonsense, they believe they are 10 talking Humour; and when they have drawn together a Scheme of abfurd, inconfiftent Idea's, they are not able to read it over to themselves without laughing. These poor Gentlemen endeavour to gain themselves the Reputation of Wits and Humourists, by fuch monftrous Conceits as almost qualify them for Bedlam; not confidering that Humour should always lye under the Check of Reason, and that it requires the Direction of the nicest Judgment, by fo much the more as it indulges it self in the most boundless Freedoms. There is a kind of Nature that is to be observed in this fort of Compositions, as well as in all other, and a certain Regularity 20 of Thought that must discover the Writer to be a Man of Senfe, at the fame time that he appears altogether given up to Caprice: For my part, when I read the delirious Mirth of an unskilful

1 As we announced at the end of the Introduction, this number is printed exactly as it was issued in the original sheet, under date April 10th, 1711.