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me in it by way of trial ; where could not manage and dragged me out. He took me up in his right fore. my two sculls, or little oars, for want of room. But foot, and held me as a nurse does a child she is going the queen had before contrived another project. She to suckle, just as I have seen the same sort of creaordered the joiner to make a wooden trough of three | ture do with a kitten in Europe; and when I hundred feet long, tifty broud, and eight deer, which offered to struggle, he squeezed me so hard, that I being well pitched, to prevent leaking, was placed on thought it more prudent to submit.
I have a the floor along the wall in an outer room of the palace. reason to believe that he took me for a young one of It had a cock near the bottom to let out the water, his own species, by his often stroking my face very when it began to grow stale ; and two servants could gently with his other paw. In these diversions be easily fill it in half an hour. Here I often used to was interrupted by a noise at the closei-door, as if row for my own diversion, as well as that of the queen somebody were opening it; whereupon he suddenly and her ladies, who thought themselves well enter- leaped up to the winduw, at which he had coine in, tained with iny skill and agility. Sometimes I would and thence upon the leads and gutters, walking upon put up my sail, and then my business was only to three legs, and holding me in the fourth, tiil he steer, while the ladies gave me a gale with their fans ; clambered up to a roof that was next to ours. I and, when they were weary, some of the pages would heard Glumdalelitch give a shriek at the moment he blow my sail forward with their breath, while I showed was carrying me out. The poor girl was almost dismy art by steering starboard or larboard, as I pleased. tracted; that quarter of the palace was all in an When I had done, Glumdalelitch always carried back uproar; the servants ran for ladders; the monkey my boat into her closet, and hung it on a nail to dry, was seen by hundreds in the court, sitting upon the
In this exercise I once met an accident, which had ridge of a building, holding me like a baby in one of like to have cost me my life ; for one of the pages his fore-paws, and feeding me with the other, by having put my boat into the trough, the governess, cramming into my mouth some victuals he hai who attended Glumdalclitch, very ofticiously lifted me squeezed out of the bag on one side of his chaps, and up to place me in the boat, but I happened to slip putting me when I would not eat; whereat many of through her fingers, and should infallibly have fallen the rnbble below could not forbear laughing ; neither down forty feet upon the floor, if, by the luckiest do I think they justly ought to be blamed, for with. chance in the world, I had not been stopped by a out question the sight was ridiculous enough to everycorking-pin that stuck in the good gentlewoman's body but myself. Some of the people threw up stones, stomacher; the head of the pin passed between my hoping to drive the monkey down; but this was shirt and the waistband of my breeches, and thus I strictly forbidden, or else very probably my brains was held by the middle in the air, till Glumdalclitch had been dashed out. ran to my relief.
The ladders were now applied, and mounted by Another time, one of the servants whose office it several men, which the monkey observing, and finding was to fill my trough every third day with fresh water, himself almost encompassed, not being able to make, was so careless as to let a huge frog (not perceiring it) speed enough with his three legs, let me drop on a slip out of his pail. The frog lay concealed till I was ridge tile, and made his escape. Here 1 sat för solle put into my boat, but then seeing a resting place, time, tive hundred yards froin the ground, expecting | climbed up, and made it lean so much on one side, erery moment to be blown down by the wind, or to that I was forced to balance it with all my weight on fall by my own giddiness, and cone tumbling over the other, to prevent overturning. When the frog was and over from the ridge to the eaves ; but an honest got in, it hopped at once half the length of the boat, lad, one of my nurse's footmen, climbed up, and putting and then over my head, backwards and forwards, me into his breeches-pocket, brought me down ate. daubing my face and clothes with its odious slime. I was almost choked with the filthy stuff the lonThe largeness of its features made it appear the most key had crammed down my throat ; but my deur deformneil animal that can be conceived. However, 1 little nurse picked it out of my mouth with a suall desired Glumdalclitch to let me deal with it alone. I needle, and then I fell a vomiting, which gave ne 11 banged it a good while with one of my sculls, and at great relief. Yet I was so weak, and bruised in the last forced it to leap out of the boat.
sides with the squeezes given me by this odious aniBut the greatest danger I ever underwent in that mal, that I was forced to keep my bed a fortuiglt. kingdom was from a inonkey, who belonged to one The king, queen, and all the court, sent every day to of the clerks of the kitchen. Glumdalclitch had inquire after my health, and her majesty made me locked me up in her closet, while she went somewhere several visits during my sickness. The monkey was upon business, or a visit. The weather being very killed, and an order made that no such animal should warm, the closet-window was left open, as well as the be kept about the palace. windows and the door of my bigger box, in which I When I attended the king after my recorery to reusually lived, because of its largeness and conveniency: turn him thanks for his favours, he was pleased to As I sat quietly meditating at my table, I heard rally me a good deal upon this adventure. He asked something bounce in at the closet-window, and skip me what my thoughts and speculations were while I about from one side to the other; whereat, although lay in the monkey's paw ; how I liked the ricI were much alarmed, yet I ventured to look out, but tuals he gave me; his manner of feeding; and not stirring from my seat; and then I saw this frolic whether the fresh air on the roof bad sharpened my some animal frisking and leaping up and down, till stomach. He desired to know what I would have at last he came to my box, which he seemed to done upon such an occasion in my own country. I view with great pleasure and curiosity, peeping in at told his majesty that in Europe we had no morikers the door and every window. I retreated to the farther except such as were brought for curiosities from other corner of my room, or box, but the monkey looking places, and so small, that I could deal with a donna in at every side put me into such a fright, that I of them together, if they presumed to attack ne. wanted presence of mind to conceal myself under the And as for that monstrous animal with whom I was bed, as I might easily have done. After some time so lately engaged (it was indeed as large as an ele. spent in pceping, grinning, and chattering, he at last phant), if niy fears had suffered me to think so far as espied me, and reaching one of his paws in at the in make use of my hanger (looking fiercely, and clapdoor, as a cat does when she plays with a mouse, ping ny hand upon the hilt as I spoke) when be although I often shifted place to avoid him, he at poked his paw into my chamber, perhaps I should length seized the lappet of my coat (which, being have given him such a wound as would have made made of that country's silk, was very thick and strong), 1 him glad to withdraw it with more haste than he put
it in. This I delivered in a firm tone, like a person ploying spiders, the charge of dyeing silks would be who was jealous lest his courage should be called in wholly saved ; whereof I was fully convinced when question. However, my speech produced nothing else he showed me a vast number of flies most beautifully besides loud laughter, which all the respect due to coloured, wherewith he fed his spiders; assuring us, his majesty from those about him could not make that the webs would take a tincture from them; and them contain. This made me reflect, how vain an as he had them of all hues, he hoped to fit everybody's attempt it is for a man to endeavour to do himself fancy, as soon as he could find proper food for the flies, honour among those who are out of all degree of of certain gums, oils, and other glutinous matter, tó equality or comparison with him. And yet I have give a strength and consistence to the threads. seen the moral of my own behaviour very frequent in There was an astronomer who had undertaken to England since my return, where a little contemptible place a sun-dial upon the great weathercock on the varlet, without the least title to birth, person, wit, or town-house, by adjusting the annual and diurnal mocommon sense, shall presume to look with importance, tions of the earth and sun, so as to answer and coinand put himself upon a foot with the greatest persons cide with all accidental turning of the winds. of the kingdom.
I visited many other apartments, but shall not
trouble my reader with all the curiosities I observed, [Satire on Pretended Philosophers and Projectors.) being studious of brevity. [In the description of his fancied Academy of Lagado in I had hitherto only seen one side of the academy, Gulliver's Travels, Swift ridicules those quack pretenders to the other being appropriated to the advancers of spescience and knavish projectors who were so common in his culative learning, of whom I shall say something day, and whose schemes soinetimes led to ruinous and distress when I have mentioned one illustrious person more, ing consequences.]
who is called among them the universal artist. He I was received very kindly by the warden, and went told us he had been thirty years employing his for many days to the acadeiny: Every room hath in thoughts for the improvement of human life. He it one or more projectors, and I believe I could not had two large rooms full of wonderful curiosities, and le in fewer than five hundred rooms.
fifty men at work; some were condensing air into a dry The first man I saw was of a meagre aspect, with tangible substance, by extracting the nitre, and letsooty hands and face, his hair and beard long, ragged, ting the aqueous or fluid particles percolate ; others and singed in several places. His clothes, shirt, and softening marble for pillows and pin-cushions; others skin, were all of the same colour. He had been eight petrifying the hoofs of a living horse to preserve them years upon a project for extracting sun-beams out of from foundering. The artist himself was at that time cucumbers, which were to be put into vials hermeti- busy upon two great designs; the first to sow land cally sealed, and let out to warm the air in raw in- with chaff, wherein he atfirmed the true seminal virclement summers. He told me he did not doubt in tue to be contained, as he demonstrated by several eight years more that he should be able to supply the experiments, which I was not skilful enough to comgovernor's gardens with sunshine at a reasonable rate; prehend.. The other was, by a certain composition of but he complained that his stock was low, and in- gums, minerals, and vegetables, outwardly applied, treated me to give him something as an encourage to prevent the growth of wool upon two young lambs, ment to ingenuity, especially since this had been a and he hoped in a reasonable time to propagate the very dear season for cucumbers. I made hin a small breed of naked sheep all over the kingdom. present, for nıy lord had furnished me with money on We crossed a walk to the other part of the academy, purpose, because he knew their practice of begging where, as I have already said, the projectors in specufrom all who go to see them.
lative learning resided. I saw anotiser at work to calcine ice into gunpowder, The first professor I saw was in a very large room, who likewise showed me a treatise he had written with forty pupils about him. After salutation, obconcerning the malleability of fire, which he intended serving me to look earnestly upon a frame which took to publish.
up the greatest part of both the length and breadth of There was a most ingenious architect, who had con- the room, he said, perhaps I might wonder to sce trived a new method for building houses, by beginning him employed in a project for improving speculativo at the roof, and working downwards to the founda- knowledge by practical and mechanical operations. tion; which he justified to me by the like practice of But the world would soon be sensible of its usefulness, those two prudent insects, the bee and the spider. and he flattered himself that a more noble exalted
In another apartment I was highly pleased with a thought never sprang in any other man's head. Every projector who had found a device of ploughing the one knew how laborious the usual method is of attainground with hogs, to save the charges of ploughs, ing to arts and sciences ; whereas by his contrivance, cattle, and labour. The method is this : in an acre the most ignorant person, at a reasonable charge, and of ground, you bury, at six inches distance, and eight with a little bodily labour, may write books in philodeep, a quantity of acorns, dates, chesnuts, and other sophy, poetry, politics, law, mathematics, and theology, masts or vegetables, whereof these animals are fondest; without the least assistance from genius or study. He then you drive six hundred or more of them into the then led me to the frame, about the sides whereof all field, where in a few days they will root up the whole his pupils stood in ranks. It was twenty feet square, ground in search of their food, and make it fit for sow- placed in the middle of the room. The superficies ing, at the same time manuring it with their dung. It was composed of several bits of wood, about the bigis true, upon experiment they found the charge and ness of a die, but soino larger than others. They trouble very great, and they had little or no crop. were all linked together by slender wires. These bits However, it is not doubted that this invention may be
of wood were covered on every square with paper capable of great improvement.
pasted on them; and on these papers were written all I went into another roon, where the walls and ceil- the words of their language in their sereral moods, ing were all hung round with cobwebs, except a nar- tenses, and declensions, but without any order. The row passage for the artist to go in and out. At my professor then desired me to observe, for he was going entrance he called aloud to me not to disturb his to set his engine at work. The pupils, at his comwebs. Ile lamented the fatal mistake the world had mand, took each of them hold of an iron handle, been so long in, of using silk-worms, while we had whereof there were forty fixed round the edges of the such plenty of domestic insects, who infinitely excelled frame, and giving them a sudden turn, the whole disthe former, because they understood how to weave as position of the words was entirely changed. He then well as spin. And he proposed farther, that by em- commanded six-and-thirty of the lads to read the several lines softly as they appeared upon the frame; implements in his pockets and under his arms, enough and where they found three or four words together to supply him, and in his house he cannot be az a that might make part of a sentence, they dictated to loss; therefore the room where company meet to the four remaining boys, who were scribes. This work practise this art is full of all things ready at hand, was repeated three or four times, and at every turn requisite to furnish matter for this kind of artificial the engine was so contrived, that the words shifted converse. into new places as the square bits of wood moved Another great advantage proposed by this invention upside down.
was, that it would serve as a universal language to Six hours a-day the young students were employed be understood in all civilised nations, whose goods in this labour; and the professor showed me several and utensils are generally of the same kind, or nearly volumnes in large folio, already collected, of broken resembling, so that their uses might easily be compre. sentences, which he intended to piece together, and hended. And thus ambassadors would be qualified out of those rich materials to give the world a com- to treat with foreign princes or ministers of state, to plete body of all arts and sciences, which, however, whose tongues they were utter strangers. might be still improved, and much expedited, if the I was at the mathematical school, where the master public would raise a fund for making and employing taught his pupils after a method scarce imaginable to five hundred such frames in Lagado, and oblige the us in Europe. The proposition and demonstration managers to contribute in common their several col-wete fairly written on a thin wafer, with ink composed lections.
of a cephalic tincture. This the student was to He assured me that this invention had employed all swallow upon a fasting stomach, and for three days his thoughts from his youth; that he had emptied following eat nothing but bread and water. As the the whole vocabulary into his frame, and made the wafer digested, the tincture mounted to his brain, strictest computation of the general proportion there bearing the proposition along with it. But the sueis in books, between the numbers of particles, nouns, cess hath not hitherto been answerable, partly by some and verbs, and other parts of speech.
error in the quantum or composition, and partly by I made my humblest acknowledgments to this il- the perverseness of lads ; to whom this bolus is so lustrious person for his great communicativeness, and nauseous, that they generally steal aside, and dispromised, if ever I had the good fortune to return to charge it upwards before it can operate ; neither hare my native country, that I would do him justice, as they been yet persuaded to use so long an abstinence the sole inventor of this wonderful machine, the form as the prescription requires. and contrivance of which I desired leave to delineate In the school of political projectors I was but ill upon paper. I told him, although it were the custom entertained, the professors appearing in my judgment of our learned in Europe to steal inventions from each wholly out of their senses, which is a scene that never other, who had thereby at least this advantage, that it fails to make me melancholy. These unhappy people became a controversy which was the right owner, yet were proposing schemes for persuading monarchs to I would take such caution that he should have the choose favourites upon the score of their wisdom, honour entire without a rival.
capacity, and virtue; of teaching ministers to consult We next went to the school of languages, where the public good ; of rewarding merit, great abilities, three professors sat in consultation upon improving and eminent services; of instructing princes to know that of their own country.
their true interest, by placing it on the same foundaThe first project was to shorten discourse by cutting tion with that of their people; of choosing for employ. polysyllables into one, and leaving out verbs and ments persons qualified to exercise them; with many participles; because, in reality, all things imaginable other wild impossible chimeras, that never entered are but nouns.
before into the heart of man to conceive, and conThe other was a scheme for entirely abolishing all firmed in me the old observation, that there is nothing words whatsoever; and this was urged as a great ad- so extravagant and irrational which some philosophers vantage in point of health as well as brevity: for, it have not maintained for truth. is plain, that every word we speak is in some degree But, however, "I shall so far do justice to this part a diminutation of our lungs by corrosion, and conse- of the academy, as to acknowledge that all of them quently contributes to the shortening of our lives. were not so visionary. There was a most ingenious An expedient was therefore offered, that since words doctor, who seemed to be perfectly versed in the are only names for things, it would be more conve- whole nature and system of government. This illusnient for all men to carry about them such things as trious person had very usefully employed his studies were necessary to express the particular business they in finding out effectual remedies for all diseases and are to discourse on. And this invention would cer- corruptions to which the several kinds of public adtainly have taken place, to the great ease as well as ministration are subject by the vices or infirmities of health of the subject, if the women, in conjunction those who govern, as well as by the licentiousness of with the vulgar and illiterate, had not threatened to those who are to obey. For instance, whereas all raise a rebellion, unless they might be allowed the writers and reasoners have agreed that there is a strict liberty to speak with their tongues, after the manner universal resemblance between the natural and poliof their forefathers; such constant irreconcilable ene-tical body, can there be anything more evident than mies to science are the common people. However, that the health of both must be preserved, and the many of the most learned and wise adhere to the new diseases cured, by the same prescriptions. It is alscheme of expressing themselves by things; which | lowed that senates and great councils are often hath only this inconvenience attending it, that if a troubled with redundant, ebullient, and other peccant man's business be very great, and of various kinds, he humours; with many diseases of the head, and more must be obliged in proportion to carry a greater of the heart ; with strong convulsions ; with grierous bundle of things upon his back, unless he can attord contractions of the nerves and sinews in both hands, one or two strong servants to attend him. I have but especially the right; with spleen, flatus, vertigues, often beheld two of those sages almost sinking under and deliriums; with scrofulous tumours full of the weight of their packs, like pedlers among us, who, fætid purulent matter; with sour frothy ructations; when they met in the streets, would lay down their with canine appetites, and crudeness of digestion; loads, open their sacks, and hold conversation for an besides many others needless to mention. This doctor hour together; then put up their implements, help therefore proposed, that upon the meeting of a senate, each other to resume their burdens, and take their certain physicians should attend at the three first days leave. But, for short conversations, a man may carry of their sitting, and at the close of each day's debate feel the pulses of every senator; after which, having natures of the favours they have received, for which maturely considered and consulted upon the nature of they are allowed to be their own vouchers. Wit, the several maladies, and the methods of cure, they valour, and politeness, were likewise proposed to be should on the fourth day return to the senate-house, largely taxed, and collected in the same manner, by attended by their apothecaries stored with proper every person giving his own word for the quantum of medicines ; and, before the members sat, administer what he possessed. But as to honour, justice, wisdom, to each of them lenitives, aperitives, abstersives, corro- and learning, they should not be taxed at all, besives, restringents, palliatives, laxatives, cephalalgics, cause they are qualifications of so singular a kind, icteries, apoplilegmatics, acoustics, as their several that no man will either allow them in his neighbour, cases required; and, according as these medicines or value them in himself. should operate, repeat, alter, or omit them at the next The women were proposed to be taxed according to meeting.
their beauty and skill in dreseing, wherein they had This project could not be of any great expense to the same privilege with the men, to be determined by the public, and might, in my poor opinion, be of their own judgment. But constancy, chastity, good much use for the despatch of business in those coun- sense, and good nature, were not rated, because they tries whiere senates have any share in the legislative would not bear the charge of collecting. power; beget unanimity, shorten debates, open a few To keep senators in the interest of the crown, it mouths which are now closed, and close many more was proposed that the members should raffle for emwhich are now open; curb the petulancy of the young, ployments; every man first taking an oath, and giving and correct the positiveness of the old; rouse the security that he would vote for the court, whether he stupid, and damp the pert.
won or no; after which the losers had in their turn Again, because it is a general complaint that the the liberty of raflling upon the next vacancy. Thus, favourites of princes are troubled with short and weak hope and expectation would be kept alive; none memories, the same doctor proposed, that whoever would complain of broken promises, but impute their attended a first minister, after having told his busi- disappointments wholly to fortune, whose shoulders ness with the utmost brevity, and in the plainest are broader and stronger than those of a ministry. words, should, at his departure, give the said minister Another professor showed me a large paper of ina tweak by the nose, or a kick in the belly, or tread structions for discovering plots and conspiracies against on his corns, or lug him thrice by both ears, or run a the government. pin into his body, or pinch his arms black and blue, I told him, that in the kingdom of Tribnia, by the to prevent forgetfulness; and at every levee day re- natives called Langden, where I had long sojourned, peat the same operation, until the business were done the bulk of the people consisted wholly of discoverers, or absolutely refused.
witnesses, informers, accusers, prosecutors, evidences, He likewise directed that every senator in the swearers, together with their several subservient and great council of a nation, after he had delivered his subaltern instruments, all under the colours, the conopinion, and argued in the defence of it, should be duct, and pay.of ministers and their deputies. The obliged to give his vote directly contrary; because if plots in that kingdom are usually the workmanship that were done, the result would infallibly terminate of those persons who desire to raise their own characin the good of the public.
ters of profound politicians; to restore new vigour to When parties in a state are violent, he offered a a crazy administration; to stifle or divert general diswonderful contrivance to reconcile them. The method contents; to fill their coffers with forfeitures; and is this: You take a hundred leaders of each party; raise or sink the opinion of public credit, as either you dispose them into couples of such whose heads shall best answer their private advantage. It is first are nearest of a size; then let two nice operators saw agreed and settled among them what suspected peroff the occiput of each couple at the same time, in sons shall be accused of a plot ; then effectual care is such manner that the brain may be equally divided. taken to secure all their letters and other papers, and Let the occiputs thus cut off be interchanged, apply put the owners in chains. These papers are delivered ing each to the head of his opposite party-man. It to a set of artists very dexterous in finding out the seems indeed to be a work that requireth some exact- mysterious meanings of words, syllables, and letters. ness; but the professor assured us, that, if it were For instance, they can decipher a close-stool to signify dexterously performed, the cure would be infallible. a privy-council; a flock of geese, a senate; a lame For he argueil thus: that the two half brains being dog, an invader; the plague, a standing army; a buzleft to debate the matter between themselves within zard, a minister; the gout, a high-priest ; a gibbet, a the space of one skull, would soon come to a good secretary of state; a charober-pot, a committee of understanding, and produce that moderation, as well grandees; a sieve, a court lady; a broom, a revoluas regularity of thinking, so much to be wished for in tion; a mouse-trap, an employment; a bottomless the heads of those who imagine they came into the pit, the treasury; a sink, a court; a cap and bells, a world only to watch and govern its motions: and as favourite; a broken reed, a court of justice; an empty to the difference of brains in quantity or quality, tun, a general ; a running sore, the administration. among those who are directors in faction, the doctor When this method fails, they have two others more assured us, from his own knowledge, that it was a effectual, which the learned among them call acrosperfect trifle.
tics and anagrams. First, they can decipher all iniI heard a very warm debate between two professors, tial letters into political meanings ; thus, 'N shall sig. about the most commodious and effectual ways and nify a plot, B a regiment of horse, L a fleet at sea. Or, means of raising money without grieving the subject. secondly, by transposing the letters of the alphabet, The first affirmed, the justest method would be to lay in any suspected paper, they can lay open the deepest a certain tax upon vices and folly, and the sum fixed designs of a discontented party. So, for example, if upon every man to be rated after the fairest manner I should say in a letter to a friend, Our brother Tom by a jury of his neighbours. The second was of an hath just got the piles, a man of skill in this art would opinion directly contrary; to tax those qualities of discover how the same letters which compose that body and mind for which men chiefly value them- sentence may be analysed into the following words-selves; the rate to be more or less according to the Resist--a plot is brought home-the tower. “And this degrees of excelling, the decision whereof should be left is the anagramatic inethod. entirely to their own breast. The highest tax was upon The professor made me great acknowledgments for men who are the greatest favourites of the other sex, communicating these observations, and promised to and the assessments according to the number and I make honourable mention of me in his treatise.
[Thoughts on Various Subjects.]
Every man desireth to live long, but no mau would
be old. We have just religion enough to make us hate, but If books and laws continue to increase as they have not enough to make us lore one another.
done for fifty years past, I am in some concern for When we desire or solicit anything, our minds run
how any man will be learnel, or any man wholly on the good side or circumstances of it; when a lawyer. it is obtained, our mind runs only on the bad ones. A nice man is a man of nasty ideas. (How true of
When a true genius appeareth in the world, you Swift himself!) may know him by this infallible sign, that the dunces If a man maketh me keep my distance, the comfort are all in confederacy against him.
is, he keepeth his at the same time. I am apt to think that, in the day of judgment, Very few men, properly speaking, live at present, there will be small allowance given to the wise for but are providing to live another time. their want of morals, or to the ignorant for their want Praise is the daughter of present power. of faith, because both are without excuse. This Princes in their infancy, childhood, and youth, are renders the advantages equal of ignorance and know said to discover prodigious parts and wit, to speak ledye. But some scruples in the wise, and some vices things that surprise and astonish: strange, so many in the ignorant, will perhaps be forgiven upon the hopeful princes, so many shameful kings! If they strength of teinptation to each.
happen to die young, they would have been prodigies It is pleasant to observe how free the present age is of wisdom and virtue: if they live, they are often proin laying taxes on the next: 'Future ages shall talk digies indeed, but of another sort. of this ; this shall be famous to all posterity :' whereas The humour of exploding many things under the their time and thoughts will be taken up about pre- name of trifles, fopperies, and only imaginary goods, sent things, as ours are now.
is a very false proof either of wisdom or magnanimity, It is in disputes as in armies, where the weaker side and a great check to virtuous actions. For instance, setteth up false lights, and maketh a great noise, that with regard to fame; there is in most people a relucthe enemy may believe them to be more numerous tance and unwillingness to be forgotten. We observe, and strong than they really are.
even among the vulgar, how fond they are to bave an I have known some men possessed of good qualities, inseription over their grave. It requireth but little which were very serviceable to others, but useless to philosophy to discover and observe that there is no themselves; like a sun-dial on the front of a house, to intrinsic value in all this; however, if it be founded inform the neighbours and passengers, but not the in our nature, as an incitement to virtue, it ought not owner within.
to be ridiculed. If a man would register all his opinions upon love, politics, religion, learning, &c., inning from his (Overstrained Politeness, or Vulgar Hospitality.) youth, and so go on to old age, what a bundle of incon
[From The Tatler.'] sistencies and contradictions would appear at last !
The stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lop- Those inferior duties of life which the French call ping off our desires, is like cutting off our feet when les petites morales, or the smaller morals, are with us we want shoes.
distinguished by the name of good manners or broed. The reason why so few marriages are happy, is being. This I look upon, in the general notion of it, to cause young ladies spend their time in making nets, be a sort of artificial good sense, adapted to the meannot in making cages.
est capacities, and introduced to make mankind easy The power of fortune is confessed only by the miser- in their commerce with each other. Low and little able, for the happy impute all their success to pru- | understandings, without some rules of this kind, Fould dence and merit.
be perpetually wandering into a thousand indetencies Ambition often puts men upon doing the meanest and irregularities in behaviour; and in their ordinary offices: so, climbing is performed in the same posture conversation, fall into the same boisterous familiarities with creeping.
that one observeth amongst them when a debauch Censure is the tax a man payeth to the public for hath quite taken away the use of their reason. In being eminent.
other instances, it is odd to consider, that for want of No wise man ever wished to be younger.
common discretion, the very end of good breeding is An idle reason lessens the weight of the good ones wholly perverted; and civility, intended to make us you gave before.
easy, is employed in laying chains and fetters upon Complaint is the largest tribute heaven receives, us, in debarring us of our wishes, and in crossing our and the sincerest part of our devotion.
most reasonable desires and inclinations. This abuse The common fluency of speech in many men and reigneth chiefly in the country, as I found to my revamost women, is owing to a scarcity of matter and tion, when I was last there, in a visit I made to a scarcity of words: for whoever is a master of language, neighbour about two miles from my cousin. As soon and hath a mind full of ideas, will be apt, in speak- as I entered the parlour, they put me into the great ing, to hesitate upon the choice of both ; whereas chair that stood close by a huge fire, and kept me common speakers have only one set of ideas, and one there by force, until I was almost stified. Then a boy set of words to clothe them in, and these are always came in great hurry to pull off my boots, which I in ready at the mouth. So people come faster out of a vain opposed, urging, that I must return soon after church when it is almost empty, than when a crowd dinner. In the meantime, the good lady whispered is at the door.
her eldest daughter, and slipped a key into her hand. To be vain is rather a mark of humility than pride. The girl returned instantly with a beer-glass half full Vain men delight in telling what honours have been of aqua mirabilis and syrup of gilly-flowers. I took done them, what great company they have kept, and as much as I had a mind for; but madam vowed I the like; by which they plainly confess that these should drink it off (for she was sure it would do me honours were more than their due, and such as their good, after coming out of the cold air), and I was forerd friends would not believe if they had not been told : to obey ; which absolutely took away my stomach. whereas a man truly proud thinks the greatest honours When dinner came in, I had a mind to sit at a dis. below his merit, and consequently scorns to boast. Itance from the fire; but they told me it was as much therefore deliver it as a maxim, that whoever desires as my life was worth, and set me with my back just the character of x proud man, ought to conceal his against it. Although my appetite were quite gone, I vanity.
resolved to force duwn as much as I could; and de