and almost past cure. However let the following methods be try'd upon him.

Firft, let him *** Hiatus. *** Secondly, let him wear a Bob-wig. Thirdly, fhun the company of flatterers, nay of ceremonious people, and of all Frenchmen in general. It would not be amiss if he travelled over England in a Stage-coach, and made the Tour of Holland in a Track-fcoute. Let him return the Snuff-boxes, Tweezer-cafes (and particularly the Diamond Ring) which he has received from himself. Let fome knowing friend reprefent to him the many vile Qualities of this Miftrefs of his let him be fhewn that her Extravagance, Pride, and Prodigality will infallibly bring him to a morfel of bread: Let it be proved, that he has been falfe to himfelf, and if Treachery is not a fufficient caufe to difcard a Mistress, what is? In fhort let him be made to fee that no mortal befides himself either loves or can fuffer this Creature. Let all Looking-glasses, polished Toys, and even clean Plates be removed from him, for fear of bringing back the admired object. Let him be taught to put off all thofe tender airs, affected fmiles, languishing looks, wanton toffes of the head, coy motions of the body, that mincing gait, foft tone of voice, and all that enchanting woman-like behaviour, that has made him the charm of his own eyes, and the object of his own adoration. Let him furprize the Beauty he adores at a

disadvantage, furvey himself naked, divested of artificial charms, and he will find himself a forked ftradling Animal, with bandy legs, a short neck, a dun hide, and a pot-belly. It would be yet better, if he took a ftrong purge once a week, in order to contemplate himself in that condition at which time it will be convenient to make use of the Letters, Dedications, etc. abovefaid. Something like this has been obferved by Lucretius and others to be a powerful remedy in the case of Women. If all this will not do, I must e'en leave the poor man to his destiny. Let him marry himfelf, and when he is condemned eternally to himself, perhaps he may run to the next pond to get rid of himself, the Fate of moft violent Selflovers.

CHA P. XII.

How Martinus endeavoured to find out the Seat of the Soul, and of his Correfpondence with the Free-Thinkers.

IN

N this Design of Martin to investigate the Diseafes of the Mind, he thought nothing so neceffary as an Enquiry after the Seat of the Soul; in which at firft he laboured under great uncertainties. Sometimes he was of opinion that it lodged VOL. VI. N

in the Brain, fometimes in the Stomach, and fometimes in the Heart. Afterwards he thought it abfurd to confine that fovereign Lady to one apartment, which made him infer that the fhifted it according to the feveral functions of life: The Brain was her Study, the Heart her State-room, and the Stomach her Kitchen. But as he faw feveral Offices of life went on at the fame time, he was forced to give up this Hypothefis alfo. He now conjectured it was more for the dignity of the Soul to perform feveral operations by her little Minifters, the Animal Spirits, from whence it was natural to conclude, that fhe refides in different parts according to different Inclinations, Sexes, Ages, and Profeffions. Thus in Epicures he feated her in the mouth of the Stomach, Philofophers have her in the Brain, Soldiers in their Heart, Women in their Tongues, Fiddlers in their Fingers, and Rope-dancers in their Toes. At length he grew fond of the Glandula Pincalis, diffecting many Subjects to find out the different Figure of this Gland, from whence he might discover the cause of the different Tempers in mankind. He fuppofed that in factious and restless-fpirited people he fhould find it fharp and pointed, allowing no room for the Soul to repofe herfelf; that in quiet Tempers it was flat, fmooth, and soft, affording to the Soul as it were an easy cushion. He was confirmed in this by observing, that Calves and Philoophers, Tygers and Statesmen, Foxes and Sharp

ers, Peacocks and Fops, Cock-fparrows and Coquets, Monkeys and Players, Courtiers and Spaniels, Moles and Mifers, exactly resemble one another in the conformation of the Pineal Gland. He did not doubt likewife to find the fame resemblance in Highwaymen and Conquerors: In order to fatisfy himself in which, it was, that he purchased the body of one of the first Species (as hath been before related) at Tyburn, hoping in time to have the happiness of one of the latter too, under his Anatomical knife.

We must not omit taking notice here, that these Enquiries into the Seat of the Soul gave occafion to his first correspondence with the fociety of FreeThinkers, who were then in their infancy in England, and fo much taken with the promifing endowments of Martin, that they ordered their Secretary to write him the following Letter.

To the learned Inquifitor into Nature, MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS: The Society of Free-Thinkers greeting.

IT

Grecian Coffee-Houfe, May 7.

T is with unspeakable joy we have heard of your inquifitive Genius, and we think it great pity that it should not be better employed, than in looking after that Theological Non-entity commonly call'd the Soul: Since after all your enquiries, it will appear you have loft your labour in

of

fecking the Refidence of such a Chimera, that never had being but in the brains of fome dreaming Philofophers. Is it not Demonftration to a person your Senfe, that, fince you cannot find it, there is no fuch thing? In order to fet fo hopeful a Genius right in this matter, we have sent you an anfwer to the ill-grounded Sophifins of those crackbrain'd fellows, and likewise an easy mechanical explication of Perception or Thinking.

d

One of their chief Arguments is, that Selfconfeioufness cannot inhere in any system of Matter, becaufe all matter is made up of feveral diftinct beings, which never can make up one individual thinking being.

This is cafily anfwered by a familiar inftance. In every fack there is a meat-roafting Quality, which neither refides in the fly, nor in the weight, nor in any particular wheel of the Jack, but is the refult of the whole compofition: So in an Animal, the Self-confcioufnefs is not a real Quality inherent in one Being (any more than meat-roasting in a Jack) but the result of several Modes or Qualities in the fame fubject. As the fly, the wheels, the chain, the weight, the cords, etc. make one Jack, fo the feveral parts of the body make one Animal. As perception or consciousness is faid to be inherent in this Animal, fo is meat-roafting said to be inherent in the Jack. As fenfation, reafon

This whole Chapter is an inimitable ridicule on Collins's arguments against Clarke, to prove the Soul only a Quality.