body of a Malefactor, he hir'd a Room for its diffection near the Peft-fields in St. Giles's, at a lit

tle distance from Tyburn Road. Crambe (to whofe care this body was committed) carried it thither about twelve a clock at night in a Hackney-coach, few Houfe-keepers being very willing to let their lodgings to fuch kind of Operators. As he was foftly stalking up ftairs in the dark, with the dead man in his arms, his burthen had like to have flipp'd from him, which he (to fave from falling, grafp'd fo hard about the belly, that it forced the wind through the Anus, with a noise exactly like the Crepitus of a living man. Crambe (who did not comprehend how this part of the Animal Oeconomy could remain in a dead man) was fo terrified that he threw down the body, ran up to his master, and had fcarce breath to tell him what had happened. Martin with all his Philofophy could not prevail upon him to return to his post. --You may fay what you please (quoth Crambe) nō man alive ever broke wind more naturally; nay, he feemed to be mightily relieved by it.--The rolling of the corpfe down stairs made such a noise that it awaked the whole house. The maid fhriek'd, the landlady cried out Thieves; but the Landlord, in his fhirt as he was, taking a candle in one hand, and a drawn fword in the other, ventured out of the Room. The maid with only a fingle petticoat ran up ftairs, but fpurning at the dead body, fell upon it in a fwoon.

Now the

landlord stood still and lift'ned, then he looked behind him, and ventured down in this manner one stair after another, till he came where lay his maid, ́as dead, upon another corpfe unknown. The wife ran into the street and cried out Murder! the Watch ran in, while Martin and Crambe, hearing all this uproar, were coming down stairs. The Watch imagined they were making their escape, feized them immediately, and carried them to a neighbouring Juftice; where, upon searching them, several kind of knives and dreadful weapons were found upon them. The Juftice first examined Crambe.--What is your Name? fays the Justice. I have acquired (quoth Crambe) no great Name as yet; they call me Crambe or Crambo, no matter which, as to myself; though it may be fore difpute to pofterity.--What is yours and your Master's profeflion? "It is our business to imbrue "our hands in blood; we cut off the heads, and

pull out the hearts of thofe that never injured "us; we rip up big-belly'd women, and tear "children limb from limb." Martin endeavoured to interrupt him; but the justice, being strangely astonished with the franknefs of Crambe's Confeffion, ordered him to proceed; upon which he made the following Speech.

"May it please your Worship, as touching the "body of this man, I can answer each head that

my accufers alledge against me, to a hair. They "have hitherto talk'd like num-fculls without

"brains; but if your Worship will not only give

ear, but regard me with a favourable eye, I will "not be brow-beaten by the fupercilious looks, of my adversaries, who now ftand cheek by jowl by your Worship. I will prove to their faces, that their foul mouths have not opened "their lips without a falfity; though they have "showed their teeth as if they would bite off my "nofe. Now, Sir, that I may fairly flip my neck out of the collar, I beg this matter may not be

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flightly skined over. Tho' I have no man here "to back me, I will unbofom myself, fince Truth "is on my fide, and fhall give them their bellies full, though they think they have me upon the hip. Whereas they say I came into their lodgings, with arms, and murdered this man with" out their Privity, I declare I had not the least finger in it; and since I am to stand upon my own legs, nothing of this matter fhall be left till "I fet it upon a right foot. In the vein I am in, "I cannot for my heart's blood and gluts bear this

ufage: I fhall not spare my lungs to defend my "good name: I was ever reckoned a good liver; and I think I have the bowels of compaffion. I " ask but justice, and from the crown of my head to the foal of my foot I fhall ever acknowledge myself your Worship's humble Servant.".

The Justice stared, the Landlord and Landlady lifted up their eyes, and Martin fretted, while Crambe talk'd in this rambling incoherent man

It

ner; till at length Martin begg'd to be heard. was with great difficulty that the Juftice was convinced, till they sent for the Finisher of human laws, of whom the Corpfe had been purchased; who looking near the left ear, knew his own work, and gave Oath accordingly.

No fooner was Martin got home, but he fell into a paffion at Crambe. "What Dæmon, he " cried, hath poffeffed thee, that thou wilt never "forfake that impertinent cuftom of punning? “Neither my counsel nor my example have thus "misled thee; thou governeft thyfelf by most er"roneous Maxims." Far from it (anfwers Crambe) my life is as orderly as my Dictionary, for by my Dictionary I order my life. I have made a Kalendar of radical words for all the feasons, months, and days of the year: Every day I am under the dominion of a certain Word: but this day in particular I cannot be mifled, for I am governed by one that rules all fexes, ages, conditions, nay all animals rational and irrational. Who is not governed by the word Led? our Noblemen and Drunkards are pimp-led, Phyficians and Pulfes fee-led, their Patients and Oranges pil-led, a Newmarried Man and an Afs are bride-led, an old-married Man and a Pack-horfe fad-led, Cats and Dice are rat-led, Swine and Nobility are fty-led, a Coquet and a Tinder-box are fpark-led, a Lover and a Blunderer are grove-led. And that I may not

be tedious --- Which thou art (replied Martin, ftamping with his foot) which thou art, I say, beyond all human toleration. Such an unnatural, unaccountable, uncoherent, unintelligible, unpro fitable---There it is now! (interrupted Crambe) this is your Day for Uns. Martin could bear no longer---however, compofing his Countenance, Come hither, he cried, there are five pounds, feventeen fhillings and nine-pence: thou hast been with me eight months, three weeks, two days, and four hours. Poor Crambe upon the receipt of his Salary, fell into tears, flung the money upon the ground, and burst forth in these words: ---O Cicero, Cicero! if to pun be a crime, 'tis a crime I have learned from thee: O Bias, Bias! if to pun be a crime, by thy example was I biass'd.---Whereupon Martin (confidering that one of the greatest of Orators, and even a Sage of Greece had punned) hefitated, relented, and reinftated Crambe in his Service.

CHA P. IX.

How Martin became a great Critick.

a

T was a moft peculiar Talent in Martinus, to convert every Trifle into a serious thing, either. in the way of Life, or in Learning. This can no