CHAP. VII.

Of the hard Shifts Mrs Bull was put to, to preserve the Manor of Bullock's Hatch; with Sir Roger's Method to keep off importunate Duns.*

As John Bull and his wife were talking together, they were surprised with a sudden knocking at the door. "Those wicked scriveners and lawyers, no doubt," quoth John; and so it was: some asking for the money he owed, and others warning to prepare for the approaching term. "What a cursed life do I lead!" quoth John. "Debt is like deadly sin; for God's sake, Sir Roger, get me rid of the fellows." "I'll warrant you," quoth Sir Roger; "leave them to me." And, indeed, it was pleasant enough to observe Sir Roger's method with these importunate duns; his sincere friendship for John Bull made him submit to many things for his service, which he would have scorned to have done for himself. Sometimes he would stand at the door with his long staff to keep off the duns, till John got out at the

*After the dissolution of the Parliament, the sinking ministry endeavoured to support themselves by propagating a notion, that the public credit would suffer, if the Lord Treasurer Godolphin was removed: the dread of this event produced it: the monied men began to sell their shares in the Bank; the governor, deputy-governor, and two directors, applied to the Queen to prevent the change: the alarm became general, and all the public funds gradually sunk. Perhaps, by Bullock's Hatch, the author meant the crown lands ; or the public revenue in general.

back-door.* When the lawyers and tradesmen brought extravagant bills, Sir Roger used to bargain beforehand for leave to cut off a quarter of a yard in any part of the bill he pleased: he wore a pair of scissars in his pocket for this purpose, and would snip it off so nicely as you cannot imagine. Like a true goldsmith, he kept all your holidays; there was not one wanting in his calendar: when ready money was scarce, he would set them a telling a thousand pounds in sixpences, groats, and threepenny pieces. It would have done your heart good to have seen him charge through an army of lawyers, attorneys, clerks, and tradesmen; sometimes with sword in hand, at other times nuzzling like an eel in the mud. When a fellow stuck like a bur, that there was no shaking him off, he used to be mighty inquisitive about the health of his uncles and aunts in the country; he could call them all by their names, for he knew everybody, and could talk to them in their own way. The extremely impertinent he would send away to see some strange sight, as the dragon of Hockley in the Hole; or bid him call the thirtieth of next February. Now and then you would see him in the kitchen, weighing the beef and butter;† paying ready money, that the maids might not run a tick at the market; and the butchers, by bribing them, sell damaged and light meat. Another time he would slip into the cellar, and gauge the casks, In his leisure minutes, he was posting his books, and gathering in his debts. Such frugal methods were necessary, where money was so

* Manners of the Earl of Oxford.

† Some regulations as to the purveyance in the Queen's family.

scarce, and duns so numerous. All this while, John kept his credit, could shew his head both at 'Change and Westminster-Hall; no man protested his bill, nor refused his bond; only the sharpers and the scriveners, the lawyers, and their clerks, pelted Sir Roger as he went along. The squirters were at it with their kennelwater, for they were mad for the loss of their bubble, and that they could not get him to mortgage the manor of Bullock's Hatch. Sir Roger shook his ears, and nuzzled along, well satisfied within himself, that he was doing a charitable work, in rescuing an honest man from the claws of harpies and bloodsuckers. Mrs Bull did all that an affectionate wife, and a good housewife, could do; yet the boundaries of virtues are indivisible lines; it is impossible to march up close to the frontiers of frugality, without entering the territories of parsimony. Your good housewives are apt to look into the minutest things; therefore some blamed Mrs Bull for new heelpiecing of her shoes, grudging a quarter of a pound of soap and sand to scour the rooms; but especially, that she would not allow her maids and apprentices the benefit of John Bunyan, the London Apprentice, or the Seven Champions in the black letter.†

*

* Too great savings in the House of Commons.

+ Restraining the liberty of the press by act of Parliament, and imposing a stamp duty upon the pamphlets circulated by the hawkers. This measure never had Swift's approbation.

CHAP. VIII.

A Continuation of the Conversation between John Bull and his Wife.

Mrs Bull. It is a most sad life we lead, my dear, to be so teazed, paying interest for old debts, and still contracting new ones. However, I don't blame you for vindicating your honour, and chastising old Lewis: to curb the insolent, protect the oppressed, recover one's own, and defend what one has, are good effects of the law; the only thing I want to know is, how you came to make an end of your money before you finished your suit.

John Bull. I was told by the learned in the law, that my suit stood upon three firm pillars: more money for more law; more law for more money; and no composition. More money for more law, was plain to a demonstration; for who can go to law without money? and it was plain, that any man that has money, may have law for it. The third was as evident as the other two; for what composition could be made with a rogue, that never kept a word he said?

Mrs Bull. I think you are most likely to get out of this labyrinth by the second door, by want of ready money to purchase this precious commodity: But you seem not only to have bought too much of it, but have paid too dear for what you bought; else, how was it possible to run so much in debt, when at this very time the yearly income of what is mortgaged to those usurers would discharge Hocus's bills, and give you your bellyful of law for all your life, without running one sixpence

in debt? You have been bred up to business; I suppose you can cipher : I wonder you never used your pen and ink.

John Bull. Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear wife, hold thy tongue. Suppose a young heir, heedless, raw, and unexperienced, full of spirit and vigour, with a favourite passion, in the hands of money-scriveners: such fellows are like your wiredrawing mills, if they get hold of a man's finger, they will pull in his whole body at last, till they squeeze the heart, blood, and guts, out of him.* When I wanted money, half-a-dozen of these fellows were always waiting in my antichamber with their securities ready drawn. I was tempted with the ready; some farm or other went to pot. I received with one hand, and paid it away with the other to lawyers, that, like so many hell-hounds, were ready to devour me. Then the rogues would plead poverty, and scarcity of money, which always ended in receiving ninety for the hundred. After they had got possession of my best rents, they were able to supply me with my own money. But what was worse, when I looked into the securities, there was no clause of redemption.

Mrs Bull. No clause of redemption, say you? that's hard.

John Bull. No great matter, for I cannot pay them. They had got a worse trick than that; the same man bought and sold to himself, paid the money, and gave the acquittance; the same man was butcher and grazier, brewer and butler, cook and poulterer. There is something still worse than all this; there came twenty bills

* Methods of preying upon the necessities of the government.