[John reads.] For the expenses ordinary of the suits, fees to judges, puisne judges, lawyers innumerable of all sorts. Of Extraordinaries, as follows per account. To Esquire South's account for Post terminums To ditto for Noli prosequis, Discontinuance, and Retraxit For Writs of errour Suits of Conditions unperformed To Hocus for Dedimus potestatem To Frog's new tenants per account to Hocus, for Audita querelas On the said account for Writs of ejectment and Distringas To Esquire South's quota for a return of a Non est invent. and Nulla habet bona To for a pardon in forma pauperis To Jack for a Melius inquirendum upon a Felo de se To coach-hire For treats to juries and witnesses John having read over his articles, with the respective sums, brought in Frog debtor to him upon the balance 3382 12 00 Then Nic. Frog pulled his bill out of his pocket, and began to read: Nicholas Frog's account. Remains to be deducted out of the former account. Paid by Nic. Frog, for his share of the ordinary expenses of the suit To Hocus for entries of a Rege inconsulto To John Bull's nephew for a Venire facias, the money not yet all laid out The coach-hire for my wife and family, and the carriage of my goods during the time of this lawsuit For the extraordinary expenses of feeding my family during this lawsuit To Major Ab. To Major Will. And summing all up, found due upon the balance by John Bull to Nic. Frog 09 04 06 J. Bull. As for your Venire facias, I have paid you for one already; in the other, I believe you will be nonsuited: I'll take care of my nephew myself.* Your coach-hire and family charges are most unreasonable deductions; at that rate, I can bring in any man in the world my debtor. But who the devil are these two majors, that consume all my money? I find they always run away with the balance in all accompts. Nic. Frog. Two very honest gentlemen, I assure you, that have done me some service. To tell you plainly, Major Ab. denotes thy greater ability, and Major Will. thy greater willingness to carry on this lawsuit. It was but reasonable that thou should'st pay both for thy power and thy positiveness. * Alluding to the writ by which the Elector of Hanover demanded to be called to the House of Peers as Duke of Cambridge, which, with every proposal tending to bring him to Britain, the Queen obstinately resisted. J. Bull. I believe I shall have those two honest majors discount on my side in a little time. Nic. Frog. Why all this higgling with thy friend about such a paltry sum? Does this become the generosity of the noble and rich John Bull? I wonder thou art not ashamed. O Hocus, Hocus! where art thou? It used to go another guise manner in thy time. When a poor man has almost undone himself for thy sake, thou art for fleecing him, and fleecing him: Is that thy conscience, John ? J. Bull. Very pleasant indeed! It is well known thou retainest thy lawyers by the year, so a fresh lawsuit adds but little to thy expenses; they are thy customers; I hardly ever sell them a farthing's worth of anything: nay, thou hast set up an eating-house, where the whole tribe of them spend all they can rap or run.* If it were *If well reckoned, I believe thou gettest more of my money, than thou spendest of thy own; however, if thou wilt needs plead poverty, own, at least, that thy accompts are false. Nic. Frog. No, marry, won't I; I refer myself to these honest gentlemen; let them judge between us. Let Esquire South speak his mind, whether my accompts are not right, and whether we ought not to go on with our lawsuit. J. Bull. Consult the butchers about keeping of Lent. Dost think, that John Bull will be tried by Piepowders ?† * The money spent in Holland and Flanders. + Court of Piepowder (Curia pedis pulverizati) is a court of record incident to every fair; whereof the steward is judge, and the trial is by merchants and traders in the fair. It is so called, because it is most usual in the summer: and because of the expedition in hearing causes, for the matter is to be done, complained of, heard, and determined the same day, that is, before the dust goes off the feet of the plaintiffs and defendants. I tell you once for all, John Bull knows where his shoe pinches none of your esquires shall give him the law, as long as he wears his trusty weapon by his side, or has an inch of broad cloth in his shop. Nic. Frog. Why there it is; you will be both judge and party; I am sorry thou discoverest so much of thy headstrong humour before these strange gentlemen; I have often told thee it would prove thy ruin some time or other; let it never be said that the famous John Bull has departed in despite of court. J. Bull. And will it not reflect as much on thy character, Nic., to turn barrator in thy old days; a stirrer up of quarrels among thy neighbours? I tell thee, Nic. some time or other thou wilt repent this. [But John saw clearly he should have nothing but wrangling, and that he should have as little success in settling his accompts, as ending the composition. "Since they will needs overload my shoulders," quoth John, “I shall throw down the burden with a squash among them, take it up who dares; a man has a fine time of it, among a combination of sharpers, that vouch for one another's honesty! John, look to thyself; old Lewis makes reasonable offers; when thou hast spent the small pittance that is left, thou wilt make a glorious figure, when thou art brought to live upon Nic. Frog's and Esquire South's generosity and gratitude: if they use thee thus, when they want thee, what will they do, when thou wantest them? I say again, John, look to thyself."* John wisely stifled his resentment, and told the com * Resolution of the English ministry to make a separate agreement with France. pany, that in a little time he should give them law, or something better.] All. Law! law! sir, by all means. What is twentytwo poor years toward the finishing a lawsuit? For the love of God, more law, sir !* J. Bull. Prepare your demands; how many years more of law do you want, that I may order my affairs accordingly? In the meanwhile, farewell. CHAP. III. How John Bull found all his Family in an Uproar at Home.t NIC. FROG, who thought of nothing but carrying John to the market, and there disposing of him as his own proper goods, was mad to find that John thought himself now of age to look after his own affairs. He resolved to traverse this new project, and make him uneasy in his own family. He had corrupted or deluded most of his servants into the most extravagant conceits in the world; that their master was run mad, and wore a dagger in one pocket and poison in the other; that he had sold his wife and children to Lewis, disinherited his heir, and was going to settle his estate upon a parish boy; that if they did not look after their master, he * Clamours of the Allied Powers for continuing the war. + Clamours of the Whigs about the danger of the succession. Alarm raised that Queen Anne would call in the Pretender. |