ANNOUNCER (comes hopping out) Bows. TIME: Right after dismissal from school. PLACE: A street scene in front of a drug store. (Bows-exits to the left)

Alec, Peter, Sol, Paul, walking home together look at the window display in turn.

ALEC-(Sits down on his books; puts toothpaste and pledge card in front of him, others imitate. Alec in the center; Sol to the right; Paul to his left; Peter next to Paul. Tosses his toothpaste into the air several times -Sol snatches it finally-Alec grabs Sol's and stands up.)

What am I bid for this toothpaste and pledge card? (No response.)

Who'll give me a cent, cent, cent? SOL (Rising)-Do you really mean it? PAUL (Rising)-Don't do it, Al. Your teeth are worth more than that miserly penny. Remember, "A clean tooth never decays." sides you promised the teacher you would save up your pennies to buy a toothbrush.

Be

ALEC-What do I want with this toothpaste, anyhow? I have a set of teeth as strong as the Rock of Gibraltar. I've never had a toothache, face ache or headache in my life. PAUL--But you promised!

ALEC-Bah! Humbug! Promises are made to be broken nowadays. Give me a cent, Sol (exchanges.)

PAUL (After a pause from surprise at happening)-Some day you'll feel sorry for not taking care of your teeth, Al.

*All of the advertising and display material needed may be secured free of charge from such firms as Colgate & Co., New York.

THE ACTORS

ALEC-It looks as if the teacher has you frightened, all right, all right.

PAUL (Chestily)-I respect the advice of older people.

ALEC-Tut! paste help me?

Tut! How will this tooth

SOL AND PAUL (Grabbing him)-Listen to me!

ALEC (Frightened and turns abruptly as each one addresses him alternately)

PAUL-By cleaning your teeth three times daily you will be spared the pains of a fierce toothache.

SOL--You won't lose any sleep, school, work

or money.

PAUL-Your mouth feels nice and cool. You won't have any bad breath.

SOL-Every time you smile, you'll show rows of white teeth that look like pearls. You'll be better looking.

PAUL-No pains in the stomach will be yours. You can chew your food properly. SOL-You can't be a policeman or a fireman unless you have a good set of teeth.

ALEC (Breaking away from their hold)Hold on, fellows! Hold on! You certainly are batting them in strong.

PAUL-Do you remember when my mother had rheumatism last year?

all.

PETER (Rising)-It was hard luck-that's

ALEC-Here you are, Pete. Get some licorice straps (tossing cent.) Those germs will never get me. (Pete runs out to the right.)

SOL-You're only another one of those wiseacres. You know what happens to them in the end.

ALEC-What?

SOL-Stung! And stung hard once those germs get at you.

ALEC-Good heavens! What am I up against? This, is, no place for me. I'm going. So long. (I'alks toward the left.) PETER (Returns with licorice straps) — Don't you want your licorice straps, Al?

ALEC-Certainly (gives one to Pete-takes it.) Have some, Sol?

SOL-Not for mine, thanks.

ALEC-You never take anything from us, anyway. Your father won't let you. Here you are, Paul. (Holds them up.)

PAUL-Oh! Licorice straps! Licorice straps! (Anxious to have some.) How I used to love them once! But

ALEC (To the side.) He surely won't have any now.

PAUL-Since my mother had that terrible experience with doctors, nurses and dentists last year, I know better. Come on, Pete, let's go with the other fellows. Good night! GOOD NIGHT. (Alec, Peter exit to left, arm in arm, chestily.)

SOL & PAUL-(Look surprised, so then leave them, pick up own books and walk off in the opposite direction.)

SCENE 2

EQUIPMENT: A high chair.

ANNOUNCER (Hopping out, bows.)
TIME: After supper.

PLACE: The living room of Alec's home. (Bows, exits to the left.)

ALEC-(Walks in reading a large Hygiene Book; sits on high chair, dreaming while asleep, with mouth open over his book.)

CAPT. GERM-(Accompanied by Corp. Germ, bayonets at the side.)

CORP. GERM-Sh! Sh! There sits our challenger. (Pointing with the bayonet.) We have him at last. For ten years we have been

THE GERMS

hammering away at his enamel and we haven't been able to get him yet. Yesterday he did not clean his teeth after he ate some licorice straps.

CAPT. GERM-Oh! That's fine! Get the rest of our men. We'll attack him again.

CORP. GERM-(Salutes the captain, exits to right excitedly and reenters running in double quick time with seven men.) Squad, halt! Order, arms!

CAPT. GERM-Men! This boy has been abusing us for ten years. Yesterday, he went so far as to say that we would never get him. Down with him! Down! Let's make a quick job of it. Squad, fix bayonets. Charge! (Three germs step on a stool reaching for Alec's head; the Corp. is in the rear, the other two are on the right and left sides; others take their places and hold Alec's feet in position or act as sentinels, a germ in each corner and one walking to and fro. Capt. also walks to and fro while the germs are attacking Alec.)

CORP. GERM-(From above, hand up.) Five teeth are bored through!

CAPT. GERM-Already! How was that! CORP. GERM-His enamel has finally become weakened from the dirt on them.

CAPT. GERM-(Blows whistle once, signal for attention.) The enemy is coming. (Hears a sound-dentist running.)

CORP. GERM-Assemble on me! Forward, march! (Exit to the right.) GERMS-Hurrah! Hurrah!

ALEC (Jumps around impatiently, back and forth, holding his face, etc., returns to the chair.)

DENTIST (Rushes in from the left, looks around, sees Alec, puts hand to head, opens bag, takes out pincers, pulls out five paper teeth concealed in Alec's book, from the upper jaw: pulls with all his might, covers the teeth with black tin foil, receives money, leaves. Alec moves toward the front as dentist pulls the second, fourth and fifth.)

ALEC (Awakened, rubs eyes, stares bewildered, feels mouth to see if each of his teeth are present, nods.) Gee whiz! That was some dream. Where are they? (Looks about.) Come out, you germs! Woe unto you! If you dare touch me (fist clenched) you'll die like a dog. Goodness! If it wasn't

DENTIST-(Looks

at Alec cautiously, stands by the chair, beckons him to sit in the chair.)

ALEC (Approaches slyly, twisting his hat rapidly.) Oh!

DENTIST (Beckons several times to Alec to come. Alec retrogresses each time. Finally he walks toward Alec; leads him to the chair.) ALEC (Sits-nervously; follows each move of the dentist.)

DENTIST (Takes the handkerchief off; puts it in Alec's lap, adjusts the towel in place; injects some cocaine.) What's your name, boy?

ALEC (Quietly.)

ALEC.

DENTIST-(Takes the pincers.)

ALEC (Looks at it in amazement-wriggles in the chair.)

DENTIST (Pulls one of the front teethupper jaw, paper tooth disclosed.)

ALEC-Oooooh! (Scrambles about.) DENTIST-Alec, did you ever clean your

ALEC (Straightens up-twists his mouth.) Aren't you through yet, doctor?

DENTIST-One more and it will be all over, Alec. (Presses Alec's head down, drills a molar on the right.)

ALEC (Uneasy; kicks.)

DENTIST (Hurriedly cleans him up.) All right now, Alec.

ALEC (Jumps out of the chair, puts his hand into his pocket.)

DENTIST-Five dollars, please.

ALEC (Startled at the price, hands him the money, dashes for the door to the leftputting his hat on.)

ally.)

DENTIST-Come here, Alec. ALEC-(Surprised, walks back energeticDENTIST-I want to look at your teeth to-morrow. Come at 3 o'clock.

ALEC (Taken aback-dashes for the door -to the left.)

DENTIST-(At the door.) Don't forget to get a toothbrush and toothpaste, Alec.

ALEC (Forcefully.) You bet your life, doctor. (Runs home-to the left.)

DENTIST-(Shuts the door, pulls out the five dollars, holds the bills between his fingers, looks at it.) We wouldn't get many of these, if people kept their teeth clean, Exits to the right.)

SCENE 4

NO EQUIPMENT.
ANNOUNCER (Hopping out, bows.)
TIME: 12:45 P. M. the same day.
PLACE: Near the school.

(Bows, exits to the left.)

SOL & PAUL-(Hurrying to school.) ALEC & PETER-(See them, run up to meet them.) Stand as in Scene 1.

ALEC-Say, boys, I had some dream last night and it came true, this morning.

SOL & PAUL-(Noticing the change in Alec's mouth. Alec's teeth covered with black tin foil.) About what?

ALEC-Those germs!

SOL & PAUL-Ha! Ha! What did they do to you?

ALEC-What didn't they do to me? Look! (Shows his teeth.) It's too late now to tell you all about those deadly germs. I'll save it for this afternoon. Have you got that toothpaste and pledge card with you, Sol? SOL-No! What do you want with them, anyway?

ALEC-I wanted to buy them from you at any price.

SOL-Oh, no! I thought you didn't need

them.

ALEC-Now fellows, I know I made a mistake yesterday in making fun of you. I hope you will pardon me. I take it all back. SOL & PAUL-With pleasure. We all make mistakes sometimes.

SOL-I'll let you have the toothpaste and pledge card this afternoon, Al.

ALEC-Believe me, boys, I certainly will pledge to keep my teeth clean from now on,

Back somewhere in the dim ages of this land, about the time many of our ancestors were ferrying across the billowy brine, each man's garb, (and for that matter, woman's too) the evolution of the fig leaf, was not so voluminous as to call for more than a chest or box for his entire equipment in this line of worldly wealth. Indeed they were the lucky ones whose entire possessions demanded such a provision for their proper holding, to say nothing of those whose clothes alone required that amount of space.

But such is man, for in the course of human events and trading with the poor Indian and each other, with emphasis on the "each other" his accretions were such, that not only a chest, but several of them were eventually required in which he could stow those pieces of apparel, that he did not at the moment require to keep him comfortable, or within those limits prescribed by Madame Grundy. For notwithstanding all claims to the contrary, I hold that she was our original settler, the first to place foot upon our shores.

In those days roofing material cost considerable, and it was not found expedient to be forever enlarging a dwelling to obtain additional supply of floor space for a growing number of chests. Consequently some young, prehistoric Edison, evolved the idea of combining several chests into one, so arranged that each chest could be pulled or drawn out when necessary to have access to it, without having to disturb the other chests, or their contents, thus saving all the labor and trouble which would be thereby involved.

To accomplish these wonderful results, this Edison arranged several chests, the one above the other, in a frame, thus accommodating several chests in that same floor space which before sufficed for one. Then in due time the view point of function in place of structure (to employ a modern psychological angle, as is quite proper, for we are viewing this Bedroom World of ours and its several occupants from their functional rather than their structural side) did so impress our noble ancestors, that they began to designate these chests as drawers, or "Chests of Drawers" (from their act or function of drawing) in place of their former nomenclatures.

Thus we have a Chest of Drawers, a shadowing forth even thus early of our national propensities for skyscrapers, the modern, economical development of that floor-spacesaving germ (as any evolutionist will gladly dilate upon for your edification, if not amusement) with its inherent, or shall I say, environment-developed functional organs of consolidation, economy and concentration.

Slaves, as servitors, were then the fashion,

and be he ten or fifty, the male slave was designated "boy." Thus this wonderful edisonical development for service, this Chest of Drawers, was naively considered a "Boy" and because his altitude simultaneously impressed the mind, it readily follows that the correct appellation should be "High Boy."

And Hubby even in those days, ever trying to find a place for his shaving-glass, discovered that this High Boy fitted to a “T," so there he placed this instrument of outerspection and there it has oft remained to the present times, though framed in a different manner than in the days of old.

Thus we can see the full development of the High Boy family, in those happy days when almost every man conducted his own grocery store (his vegetable garden) and his private Chicago stock yards (his pig pen). There may be some who will deny this genealogy of the High Boy and lay claim to earlier sources, even some foreign extraction, but Fairy Fancy one of the "upper ten" of Our Bedroom World, assures me I am justified in recording this "patrio-trick" tale, especially in this year of nineteen hundred and eighteen.

But wealth alas is at the root of all evil, and the children and grandchildren of these ancestors, urged by a yearning for something more aristocratic, cast their eyes abroad, even as men are known to do at present times and decided that Bureau was lots "tonyer" than High Boy.

So Miss Bureau, as maid in place of boy, came to us, and many of our middle aged were come into the world, when she was all the vogue. This lady intermarried with the shaving-glass family and we can see that family trace clearly marked in the mirror head of Miss Bureau. While she is connected with the vertebra family, her movements are still extremely limited, in fact restricted to but a single one, a slight bobbing to and fro of her mirrored head to meet the varying requirements from Daddy's hair brushing to Mother's skirt adjusting.

She too became a general assistant, and held our brushes, combs, pins and all the other aids that flesh is heir to; even books and hats rested upon her ample shoulders to say nothing of sewing bags and satchels. "Put it on the bureau" became as common as "Hang it on the piano" in those "annie-rooney" days, now historic.

You see thus the services of our Miss Bureau, and how they grew as did her owners from simple folks single in their objectives, to the complex natures of the modern male and female. But the record is not yet complete.

For in the early days of railroads, and compressed yeast and hook-and-eye made-millions,