THE WONDERFUL WONDER OF WONDERS. Being an accurate description of the Birth, Education, Manner of Living, Religion, Politics, Learning, &c. of Mine A-se. 1722. THERE is a certain person lately arrived at this city, of whom it is very proper the world should be informed. His character may perhaps be thought very inconsistent, improbable, and unnatural; however I intend to draw it with the utmost regard to truth. This I am the better qualified to do, because he is a sort of dependent upon our family, and almost of the same age; though I cannot directly say I have ever seen him. He is a native of this country, and has lived long among us; but, what appears wonderful, and hardly credible, was never seen before* by any mortal. It is true indeed, he always chooses the lowest place in company; and contrives it so, to keep out of sight. It is reported, however, that in his younger days he was frequently exposed to view, but always against his will, and was sure to smart for it. *You must understand that the posteriors lie under an absolute necessity, by their situation, never to be seen before, but always, as the schoolmen term it, ex parte post.-Original. As to his family, he came into the world a younger brother, being of six children the fourth in order of birth ;* of which the eldest is now head of the house; the second and third carry arms, but the two youngest are only footmen: some indeed add, that he has likewise a twin-brother, who lives over against him, and keeps a victualling house ;† he has the reputation to be a close, griping, squeezing fellow; and that when his bags are full, he is often needy; yet, when the fit takes him, as fast as he gets he lets it fly. When in office, no one discharges himself, or does his business better. He has sometimes strained hard for an honest livelihood: and never got a bit, till everybody else had done. One practice appears very blameable in him; that every morning he privately frequents unclean houses, where any modest person would blush to be seen. And although this be generally known, yet the world, as censorious as it is, has been so kind to overlook this infirmity in him. To deal impartially, it must be granted that he is too great a lover of himself, and very often consults his own ease, § at the expence of his best friends: but this is one of his blind sides; and the best of men I fear are not without them. * He alludes to the manner of our birth, the head and arms appear before the posteriors and the two feet, which he merrily calls the footmen.-Original. The belly, which receives and digests our nourishment.— Original. Necessary-house, which he afterwards calls unclean houses. -Original. This may be explained by the following ludicrous expressions: Better out than in: 'Tis an ill tenant that pays no rent: If these be your groans, the devil be your comforter, &c.—Original. He has been constituted by the higher powers in the station of receiver-general, in which employment some have censured him for playing fast and loose. He is likewise overseer of the golden mines*, which he daily inspects, when his health will permit him. He was long bred under a master of arts, † who instilled good principles into him, but these were soon corrupted. I know not whether this deserves mention; that he is so very capricious, as to take it for an equal affront, to talk either of kissing or kicking him, which has occasioned a thousand quarrels: however, nobody was ever so great a sufferer for faults, which he neither was, nor possibly could be guilty of. In his religion he has thus much of the quaker, that he stands always covered, even in the presence of the king; in most other points a perfect idolater, although he endeavours to conceal it; for he is known to offer daily sacrifices to certain subterraneous nymphs, whom he worships in an humble posture, prone on his face, and stript stark naked; and so leaves his offerings behind him, which the priests § of those goddesses are careful enough to *So called from the colour of the ore, and the common term of gold-finders.-Original. + Meaning the belly, in allusion to that passage in Persius: magister artis, ingeniique largitor venter.-Original. In leaving offering at the necessary-house, he alludes to the sacrifices offered by the Romans to the goddess Cloacina, presi. dent of all chapels of ease.-Original. § Gold-finders, who perform their office in the night-time: but our author further seems to have an eye to the custom of the heathen priests stealing the offerings in the night; of which see more in the story of Bel and the Dragon.-Original. remove, upon certain seasons, with the utmost privacy at midnight, and from thence maintain themselves and families. In all urgent necessities and pressures, he applies himself to these deities, and sometimes even in the streets and highways, from an opinion that those powers have an influence in all places, although their peculiar residence be in caverns under ground. Upon these occasions, the fairest ladies will not refuse to lend their hands to assist him; for, although they are ashamed to have him seen in their company, or even so much as to hear him named; yet it is well known, that he is one of their constant followers. In politics, he always submits to what is uppermost; but he peruses pamphlets on both sides with great impartiality, though seldom till every body else has done with them. He lives from hand to mouth, but, however, the greatest and wisest people will trust him with all their ready money, which he was never known to embezzle,* except, very rarely, when he is sacrificing to the goddesses below. His learning is of a mixed kind, and he may properly be called a helluo librorum, or another Jacobus de Voragine; though his studies are chiefly confined to schoolmen, † commentators, and German divines, together with modern poetry and critics; and he is an atomic philosopher, strongly maintaining a void in nature, which he seems to have fairly proved by many experiments. I shall now proceed to describe some peculiar * Too much haste on these pressing occasions, has often been the cause of dropping money out of our breeches.-Original. + Here the author gives a clean wipe on these performances, as most contemptible in themselves; consequently, most proper for the necessary-house.-Original. qualities, which, in several instances, seem to distinguish this person from the common race of other mortals. His grandfather was a member of the rump parliament, as the grandson is of the present, where he often rises, sometimes grumbles, but never speaks. However, he lets nothing pass willingly, but what is well digested.* His courage is indisputable, for he will take the boldest man alive by the nose. † He is generally the first a-bed ‡ in the family, and the last up; which is to be lamented; because when he happens to rise before the rest, it has been thought to forebode some good fortune to his superiors. As wisdom is acquired by age, so, by every new wrinkle § in his face, he is reported to gain some new knowledge. In him we may observe the true effects and consequences of tyranny in a state: for as he is a great oppressor of all below him, so there is nobody more oppressed by those above him; yet, in his time, he has been so highly in favour, that many illustrious persons have been entirely indebted to him for their preferments. He has discovered, from his own experience, the true point wherein all human actions, projects, and * The beauty of this expression lies in the ambiguity betwixt the digestion of thought and food.—Original. + This is explained by the note § p. 458.-Original. This refers to the proverb: You rose with your a-se foremost, you are so lucky to-day.-Original. § This refers to another: You have one wrinkle in your a-se more than you had before.-Original. I refer the reader, for an explanation of this passage, in Bembo's Lives of the Cardinals.-Original. |