CHAP. VIII. A continuation of the conversation between John Bull and bis wife. Mrs. BULL. IT is a most sad life we lead, my dear, to be so teased, paying interest for old debts, and still contracting new ones. However, I don't blame you for vindicating your honour, and chastising old Lewis: to curb the insolent, protect the oppressed, recover one's own, and defend what one has, are good effects of the law: the only thing I want to know, is, how you came to make an end of your money, before you finished your suit. J. BULL. I was told by the learned in the law, that my suit stood upon three firm pillars: more money for more law; more law for more money; and, no composition. More money for more law, was plain to a demonstration; for who can go to law without money? and it was plain, that any man that has money, may have law for it. The third was as evident as the other two; for what composition could be made with a rogue, that never kept a word he said? Mrs. BULL. I think you are most likely to get out of this labyrinth by the second door, by want of ready money to purchase this precious commodity: but you seem not only to have bought too much of it, but have paid too dear for what you bought; else, how was it possible to run so much in debt, when at this very time, the yearly income of what is mortgaged to those usurers, would discharge Hocus's bills, and give you your bellyfull of law for all your life, without running one sixpence in debt? You have been bred up to business; I suppose you can cipher: I wonder you never used your pen and ink. J. BULL. Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear wife, hold thy tongue. Suppose a young heir, heedless, raw, and unexperienced, full of spirit and vigour, with a favourite passion, in the hands of moneyscriveners: such fellows are like your wiredrawing mills; if they get hold of a man's finger, they will pull in his whole body at last, till they squeeze the heart, blood, and guts out of him *. When I wanted money, half a dozen of these fellows were always waiting in my antichamber with their securities ready drawn. I was tempted with the ready; some farm or other went to pot. I received with one hand, and paid it away with the other to lawyers, that, like so many hell-hounds, were ready to devour me. Then the rogues would plead poverty, and scarcity of money, which always ended in receiving ninety for the hundred. After they had got possession of my best rents, they were able to supply me with my own money. But what was worse, when I looked into the securities, there was no clause of redemption. Mrs. BULL. No clause of redemption, say you? that's hard. J. BULL. No great matter, for I cannot pay them. They had got a worse trick than that; the same man bought and sold to himself, paid the money, and gave the acquittance; the same man was butcher and grazier, Methods of preying upon the reces ities of the government. brewer and butler, cook and poulterer. There is something still worse than all this; there came twenty bills upon me at once, which I had given money to discharge; I was like to be pulled to pieces by brewer, butcher, and baker; even my herbwoman dunned me as I went along the streets. (Thanks to my friend sir Roger, else I must have gone to gaol.) When I asked the meaning of this, I was told, the money went to the lawyers; counsel won't tick, sir; Hocus was urging: my book-keeper sat sotting all day, playing at put and all-fours: in short, by griping usurers, devouring lawyers, and negligent servants, I am brought to this pass. Mrs. BULL. This was hard usage! but, methinks, the least reflection might have retrieved you. J. BULL. It is true: yet consider my circumstances; my honour was engaged, and I did not know how to get out; besides, I was for five years often drunk, always muddled; they carried me from tavern to tavern, to alehouses and brandyshops, and brought me acquainted with such strange dogs* ! "There goes the prettiest fellow in the world," says one, "for managing a jury; make him yours. "There's another can pick you up witnesses: ser'jeant such-a-one has a silver tongue at the bar." I believe, in time I should have retained every single person within the inns of court. The night after a trial I treated the lawyers, their wives, and daughters, with fiddles, hautboys, drums, and trumpets. I was always hotheaded; then they placed me in the middle, the attorneys and their clerks dancing about me, whooping and hollowing, "Long live John Bull, "the glory and support of the law." • Hiring still more troops. Mrs. Mrs. BULL. Really, husband, you went through a very notable course. J. BULL. One of the things, that first alarmed me, was, that they showed a spite against my poor old mother *. "Lord," quoth I, "what makes you "so jealous of a poor, old, innocent gentlewoman, that "minds only her prayers, and her Practice of Piety: "she never meddles in any of your concerns ?" "Foh," say they, "to see a handsome, brisk, genteel, young "fellow, so much governed by a doating old woman! "why don't you go and suck the bubby? Do you "consider she keeps you out of a good jointure? She "has the best of your estate settled upon her for a "rent-charge: hang her, old thief, turn her out of "doors, seize her land, and let her go to law if she "dares." "Soft and fair, gentlemen," quoth I; "my "mother's my mother; our family are not of an un"natural temper. Though I don't take all her advice, "I won't seize her jointure; long may she enjoy it, good woman; I don't grudge it her; she allows "me now and then a brace of hundreds for my law"suit: that's pretty fair." About this time the old gentlewoman fell ill of an odd sort of a distemper†; it began with a coldness and numbness in her limbs, which by degrees affected the nerves (I think the physicians called them) seized the brain, and at last ended in a lethargy. It betrayed itself at first in a sort of indifference and carelessness in all her actions, coldness to her best friends, and an aversion to stir or go about the common offices of life. She, that was the cleanliest creature in the world, never shrunk now, if you set a closestool under her nose. She, • Railing against the church. ↑ Carelessness in forms and discipline P 3 that that would sometimes rattle off her servants pretty sharply, now, if she saw them drink, or heard them talk profanely, never took any notice of it. Instead of her usual charities to deserving persons, she threw away her money upon roaring, swearing bullies and beggars, that went about the streets *. "What is "the matter with the old gentle woman," said every body, "she never used to do in this manner?" At last the distemper grew more violent, and threw her downright into raving fits †: in which she shrieked out so loud, that she disturbed the whole neighbourhood. In her fits she called upon one sir William‡: "Oh! sir William, thou hast betrayed me! killed "me! stabbed me! sold me to the cuckold of Dover "street! See, see Clum with his bloody knife! seize him, seize him, stop him! Behold the fury with her hissing snakes! Where's my son John? Is he well, "is he well? poor man! I pity him," and abundance more of such strange stuff, that nobody could make any thing of. I knew little of the matter: for when I inquired about her health, the answer was, "that she was in a good moderate way." Physicians were sent for in haste: sir Roger, with great difficulty, brought Ratcliff; Garth came upon the first message. There were several others called in; but, as usual upon such occasions, they differed strangely at the consultation. At last they divided into two parties, one sided with Garth, the other with Ratcliff. Dr. * Disposing of some preferments to libertine and unprincipled persons. + The too violent clamour about the danger of the church. Sir William, a cant name of sir Humphry's for lord treasurer Godolphin. Garth, the low church party; Ratcliff, high church party. GARTH: |