EXTERNAL APPEARANCE.

THERE are few particulars in which the present generation has more decidedly established its superiority over the "wisdom of our ancestors," than in the art of improving personal appearance. What between the blessed advantages of vaccination for the young, and the multiplied artificial resources of those more advanced in life, age and ugliness have been completely banished from good company. Chesterfield's eternal "Graces" have now fallen to "rude mechanicals" and country parsons. Instead of cultivating amiable manners, we task our efforts to adorn the person; and our improvements, for the most part, regard much less the address than the dress. To be agreeable is nothing, unless at the same time we have an agreeable exterior; and to succeed in society, integrity of body is a point of much more importance than integrity of mind. Now-a-days, indeed,

Dente si nigro fieres, vel uno
Turpior ungui,

it is all over with you in the world of bon-ton; a wrinkle is the sure mark of a quiz, and grey hairs a more infallible proof of rusticity than the Yorkshire brogue, or the lisping Venetian Z of the county of Zomurzet. Whether this be one of the "death-despising" signs of the times, I cannot say. I should have had some hesitation in touching on the tender subject in the face of that scourge of reviewers, and Minos of magazines, Mr. I—, if I had not heard some of those who frequent "the Caledonian" hint that his Reverence was himself, at least as far as regards his own person, an "elegans formarum spectator." Hoping, therefore, to escape the bitterness of his censure, I must frankly own, that I think this tendency to put a good face upon matters, meritorious. I see no virtue in looking abominably, no self-denial in laying bare to public gaze a concealable deformity; no laudable forbearance in pale cheeks and hollow eyes. I confess I prefer a patched face to a patched conscience, and think a painted woman less morally offensive than a painted sepulchre. Dare I add, that I would rather hear a good preacher habited in that most happy imitation of luxuriant nature technically called " a head of hair," than a dolt in a cauliflower that would rival Paris, or give the fullest aid to "frowning a schismatic into insignificance."

The Duc de Duras very properly placed the majesty of the French throne in the royal kitchen; and Dr. Gastaldy* esteemed cookery at once the criterion and the end of civilization. Certain it is, if the gastronomic science does not "come home to men's business and bosoms," it does to their stomachs; and that is the next thing to it. Still, however, if we look to the history of inventions, and trace chronologically the progress of human science, we shall be compelled to make the dressing of our persons, rather than the dressing of our dinners, the touchstone of our advance towards the goal of civilized perfectibility. For men cooked beefsteaks before they wore breeches; and à fortiori, before they wore false teeth.

These matters were rolling in my brain the other day, precisely as I entered Mr. Colburn's library, and while I was deep in the perusal

Almanach des Gourmands.

of a new pamphlet on political economy, my eye wandering from the page to the well-filled shelves which surrounded me, I fell into a profound reverie. The shop was in considerable bustle. There were half-a-dozen carriages drawn up in front of the door, all of whose inmates were eagerly petitioning for the newest novelties. Two members of parliament were calling for copies of "The Oracles ;" three country ladies were desirous of putting down their names for Sir Walter's last novel but two, the "sticking-place" of their actual stock of literature; and another demure-looking female was whispering the librarian in a corner, something that I fancied had the sound of "the last Cantos of Don Juan." These images, my previous thoughts, and the pamphlet I was reading, all worked together in my imagination. The division of labour, Adam Smith's pin-maker, the vast utility of Mr. Colburn's establishment, the rapid diffusion of knowledge it occasioned, its political and moral influence on society, were vaguely floating through my half-dormant intellect, when on a sudden, by the happiest association of ideas, I was seized with the notion of a Circulating Collection of supplemental Limbs and Organs. The idea was novel; it was judicious; it promised great advantage to the community, and no small profit to the projector. How many individuals, I said to myself, does this vast and overgrown metropolis contain, whose circumstances will not allow them to purchase out and out a whole limb to themselves, who would gladly subscribe for its occasional use! How many are there that would be delighted to hire a cork leg to walk in their wife's funeral procession; or would be grateful for the opportunity of subscribing for a handsome Irishman's calf, till they had married the widow! How many would acknowledge the convenience to a "drapery Miss," when far past her teens, of hiring a set of teeth by the ball-night! How many a poor Lieutenant, turned out of a "hell," with his pockets as bare as his upper lip, would rejoice to hire his whiskers for a single parade! How many a city-piece of lath and plaster would be contented to remain as thin as a whipping-post all the week, could she sport a callipyge in the park on a Sunday! How handy for a "crop-eared prentice" to step into his wig for a night on the return of the Kennington Assembly; or to mount a temporary eye-brow, when he would be critical in the pit of the Surrey Theatre! Thus also a cocked hat and an ear for music might go with the seven-and-sixpenny ticket on opera nights; and an eye and an opera-glass might be let together, at the doors of panoramas and picture-galleries.

Bright thoughts like these do not often occur in a man's life; and if they be not seized and acted upon at once when they pop into the head, he may pine in obscurity in a back garret, or die in a workhouse, with nobody to blame but himself. These are the "tides in the affairs of men, which, taken at the turn, lead on to fortune," but which, when they are suffered to pass unheeded or neglected, are followed by a rapid and unvanquishable ebb, which infallibly

"Leaves us at e'en on the bleak shore alone."

For two hours I remained fixed on the spot where I stood, unconscious of all that was passing around me. I had, "with unremitting diligence, long made the science of artificial" limbs and members, "where mechanical contrivance is requisite, my peculiar study," and "could supply any loss with an artificial or natural substitute in a

superior manner." I could make "belts to reduce corpulency and relieve and strengthen abdominal debility;"* in short I understand the whole art of man-mending, from a padded hip to a complete set of ricket irons. So turning down Conduit-street into Bond-street, without hesitation I engaged for the first "elegant and well-situated shop" that was vacant, which I mean to stock with a complete assortment of every article in the personal line. There the judicious and discriminating world of fashion will be accommodated with the hire of every qualification for genteel society, of which nature or accident may have deprived them, either by the year, quarter, month, week, or single night, and at the most reasonable prices.-Noses of every description, from the Wellington hook to the Apollo Grecian, shall be fitted on in an undiscoverable perfection, and warranted to carry spectacles, and to stand a moderate pull undisturbed.-Eyes of all colours and waters, tastefully matched-the sentimental, the joyous, the leering, the pouting, and the disdainful, in sets, right and left. N. B. Eyes with tears in them for funerals and melodrames. A superiorly constructed calf, in sizes, warranted not to turn in a waltz, nor to change its position in the most complicated quadrille.-Chicken-breasted busts à la Russe, for the use of the army; and female forehands of all calibres. False b-tt-ms let out by the single quarrel, warranted to bear kicking.-— Dandies completely made up by the year, at a considerable discount; or by the single night. N. B. There will be a confidential agent at each of the principal watering-places, and on the Chaussée d'Antin at Paris, for the benefit of customers only. The founder of this establishment has likewise engaged one of the first Parisian artists in hair; whose labours much exceed the products of the most approved dyeing materials, or even the Macasser oil. All quantities of teeth, from a single tooth to a complete set, furnished at half-an-hour's notice.-Particularly recommended to dispeptic aldermen, and sputtering members of parliament, as an infallible remedy for indigestion and imperfect delivery. The projector having imported many thousands of this article from the field of Waterloo in the greatest perfection, will provide sets, warranted from the French guard, for the jacobins and reformers, and real and genuine English, certified upon the spot by affidavit, for the service of the thorough-going John Bulls, and of those renegadoes and ultras who are too well paid for their loyalty to suffer any thing to pass their mouth favourable to Napoleon. This is the more necessary, as we are given to understand, that some of the crowned heads of Europe are, in more senses than one, indebted to the French Emperor for being able to shew their teeth and bite, and not only owe their heads but their jaws also to him and his.-Rouge and white paint shall be obtained at any price from abroad, and supplied by contract at a great saving; and every article connected with this branch of business, shall be kept ready for service in the greatest abundance, and of the first quality. Old heads will be taken in exchange, and a liberal allowance made for second-hand legs and arms,-Thus will a new branch of commerce be opened for the service of the public; and so assured is the projector of the success of his plans for improvement, that he doubts not in a short time to be enabled to offer substi

* See Advertisements in the Morning Chronicle.

tutes for the more essential viscera no less than the external organs. Mr. Burke assumed, that the old democrats of France wore shreds of parchment and scraps of the rights of man, in place of their usual internals; why, therefore, should I despair of supplying his Majesty's ministers with brains, giving sound hearts to placemen and corruptionists, and a good liver to any reverend clergyman who has a good living to pay for it?

Now, Mr. Editor, as I look upon you to be a man of some intellectual courage, and not to be browbeaten from the defence of truth and justice because it may happen to be in a minority, I give you a preference over all other periodical artists, by committing this paper to your care, and I trust, that by affording it a good place in your jourFor envy folnal, you will shew that I have not mistaken my man. lows merit like its shadow, and I fear you may run some risk in proposing in such times such an overwhelming innovation on our glorious constitution as in church and state established, as that now proposed by your obedient servant, &c. &c. &c.

M.

MUSIC.

It comes-it comes upon the gale,
That pensive voice of days gone by,
With early feelings down life's vale,
On Arab airs as odours sigh.
Oh! on this far and foreign shore
How doubly blest that song appears,
Long days and distance wafting o'er
The sweetness of departed years.
The scene around me fades away,
As at the wave of magic wand-
I see the glens and mountains grey
And wild woods of my native land.
The summer bower, the silent stream,
The scenes of youth are on the strain;
And peopled is my waking dream

With forms I ne'er shall see again!
As on my wanderings when a child,
That music comes at close of day,
Along the dim and distant wild,

And wafts my spirit far away.

And o'er the heart as it distils,

Dear as the dew-drop to the leaf,-
Oh! how the rising bosom thrills
Beneath the mystic joy of grief.

So sweet-so hallow'd 'tis to feel

The gentle woe that wakes the sigh,

That e'en in Heaven, methinks, 'twill steal
Upon the spirit's dream of joy!

But hark!-that soothing strain is o'er,
And broken is the lovely spell:

So fades from off our native shore

The accents of a Friend's farewell.

M. M.

PLEASURES OF DRAWING.

HUNGER, they say, will penetrate stone walls: alas, would it were the only thing that could find its way through brick and mortar; for then should I not have begun this sentence fourteen times, mended my pen, bitten my nails, scratched my head, and wished the whole race of Tomkisons and Broadwoods at Jericho, because a young lady in the next house has been for three hours fighting the Battle of Prague. There has been as much wire spun at Nuremberg within these latter days, as would reach from here to Jupiter; and if all this music reaches the other spheres, heaven knows what they must think of their coadjutor in that concert which they are all performing.

Dr. Spurzheim says, that there is a lump of fibrous and cineritious matter in certain brains, allotted to this particular function, and that vain is mortal toil, should some other lump of brain have usurped its place. This may possibly be true of German brains; but I beg to inform the Doctor, that there is a distinct organ allotted to piano-forte playing, which is universal. How else should all our misses learn the piano-forte, and play on the piano-forte? how else should pianofortes swarm from John o' Groat's house to the Land's-end, as frogs did erst in Egypt? and how should it be that if you retire from one corner of your house to avoid the "piano-forte next door," it is only to meet the other piano-forte at the other next door? How should it be else, that nine, or seven, or six hours of every day, from eight years of age to five-and-twenty, are occupied in thrumming the eternal wires, and drumming the endless keys? that every daughter of every shoemaker, and innkeeper, and farmer, plays on her "piano" that even the mahogany of Jamaica has not time to grow, and that the dentists of Africa cannot draw elephant's teeth fast enough? These unfortunate beasts complained, ages ago, that the great statue of Phidias (Pheidias, I beg your pardon,) had cost them one hundred and forty sets of teeth; but what is this to the depredations which are now to find beef and porter for an army of workmen that might have built the Athenian fleet, and claret and carriages for the whole race of Cramers and Kalkbrenners, and noise for all Great Britain?

Time must be occupied :true. But as there are dumb bells, why cannot there be dumb piano-fortes ? That indeed would be a meritorious patent. In the mean time, the sampler is thrown to the dogs; the honours of the ancient chair-bottoms are no more; our shirts are without buttons to the collar; our kitchens are left to the cook, and our children to the nursery-maid; and after fourteen years of hard labour, and four or fourteen hundred guineas transferred to the fiddler's pocket, besides the finish, which can only be given by the polishing powder of some Ries or Von Esch,-the end is, the Battle of Prague, perchance a Scotch reel, or two sonatas of Clementi, with a set of variations on God save the King, of which two or three must be skipped; and, among the rest of which, old Carey would be troubled to know his own again. Life is a good deal too long, I admit. Something must be found to do, or how are we to wear out this long disease? We are all ambitious to be reformers. You want to know my scheme: it is contained in one word-Drawing. This has many advantages.