With the comforting thought that, in place and in Just so round our Ov-rt-n's cradle, no doubt, pelf, He's succeeded by one just as bad as himself? [Goes to a cupboard and brings out And such rest I've enjoy'd from his raving since That I have made up my mind he shall wear it again. Dr. Tory (embracing him).—Oh, charming! My dear Doctor Whig, you're a treasure. Next to torturing myself, to help you is a pleasure. [Assisting Dr. Whig. Give me leave-I've some practice in these mad machines; There-tighter-the gag in the mouth, by all means. Delightful!-all's snug-not a squeak need you fear, You may now put your anodynes off till next year. Tenth ducklings and chicks were seen flitting about; O Horace! when thou, in thy vision of yore, swan. Little thought'st thou such fate could a poet befall, find A bird, ready-made, somewhat different in kind, [Scene closes. SCENE FROM A PLAY, ACTED AT OXFORD, CALLED "MATRICULATION."5 1834. TO THE REV. CH-RL-S OV-RT-N, AUTHOR OF THE PORTICAL PORTRAITURE OF THE CHURCH.1 1833. SWEET singer of Romaldkirk, thou who art By critics Episcopal, David the Second,2 [Boy discovered at a table, with the Thirty-nine Articles before Doctor P.-THERE, my lad, lie the Articles-(Boy The whole Nine-and-Thirty are lump'd into Three. Not forgetting Salvation and Creed Athanasian, You "believe in the full and true meaning thereof?" Oh, a mere form of words, to make things smooth and brief, A commodious and short make-believe of belief, Which our Church has drawn up, in a form thus articular, To keep out, in general, all who're particular. 5 "It appears that when a youth of fifteen goes to be matriculated at Oxford, and is required first to subscribe Thirty-nine Articles of Religious Belief, this only means that he engages himself afterwards to understand what is now above his comprehension; that he expresses no assent at all to what he signs; and that he is (or ought to be) at full liberty, when he has studied the subject, to withdraw his provisional assent."— Edinburgh Review, No. 120. But what's the boy doing? what! reading all through, And my luncheon fast cooling!-this never will do. Boy (poring over the Articles.)—Here are points which-pray, Doctor, what's "Grace of Congruity? Doctor P. (sharply).-You'll find out, young sir, when you've more ingenuity. At present, by signing, you pledge yourself merely, Boy (still reading).—I've to gulp, I see, St. Athanasius's Creed, Which, I'm told, is a very tough morsel, indeed; As he damns Doctor P. (aside).-Ay, and so would I, willingly, too, All confounded particular young boobies, like you. This comes of Reforming!-all's o'er with our land, When people won't stand what they can't understand; Nor perceive that our ever-rever'd Thirty-Nine Were made, not for men to believe, but to sign. [Exit Dr. P. in a passion. And, did he resist that soft appeal, Thou, too, L-ndy of L-ck-ngt-n! One grain of musk, it is said, perfumes LATE TITHE CASE. "Sic vos non vobis." 1833. "The Vicar of B-mh-m desires me to state that, in consequence of the passing of a recent Act of Parliament, he is compelled to adopt measures which may by some be considered harsh or precipitate; but, in duty to what he owes to his successors, he feels bound to preserve the rights of the vicarage."- Letter from Mr. S. Powell, August 6. No, not for yourselves, ye reverend men, Who've an abstract right to that pig, as theirs ;- FOOL'S PARADISE. DREAM THE FIRST. I HAVE been, like Puck, I have been, in a trice, To a realm they call Fool's Paradise, Lying N.N.E. of the Land of Sense, And seldom bless'd with a glimmer thence. Oh, 'tisn't in tongue or pen to trace 1 Fourteen agricultural labourers (one of whom received so little as six guineas for yearly wages, one eight, one nine, another ten guineas, and the best paid of the whole not more than 187. annually) were all, in the course of the autumn of 1832, served with demands of tithe at the rate of 4d. in the 17. sterling, on behalf of the Rev. F. L-dy, Rector of, &c. &c.— The Times, August 1833, 2 One of the various general terms under which oblations, tithes, &c., are comprised. "You'll all rejoice to hear, I'm sure, "Lord Charles has got a good sinecure; "And the Premier says, my youngest brother "(Him in the Guards) shall have another. "Isn't this very, very gallant!— "As for my poor old virgin aunt, "Who has lost her all, poor thing, at whist, "We must quarter her on the Pension List." Thus smoothly time in that Eden roll'd; It seem'd like an Age of real gold, Where all who lik'd might have a slice, So rich was that Fool's Paradise. But the sport at which most time they spent, As large as life, who rose to prose, And many more such things I saw In this Eden of Church, and State, and Law; Thus all went on, so snug and nice, That a downfall soon must come to pass. THE RECTOR AND HIS CURATE; OR, ONE POUND TWO. "I trust we shall part, as we met, in peace and charity. My last payment to you paid your salary up to the 1st of this month. Since that, I owe you for one month, which, being a long month, of thirtyone days, amounts, as near as I can calculate, to six pounds eight shillings. My steward returns you as a debtor to the amount of SEVEN POUNDS TEN SHILLINGS FOR CON-ACRE-GROUND, which leaves some trifling balance in my favour."- Letter of Dismissal from the Rev. Marcus Beresford to his Curate, the Rev. T. A. Lyons. And, hark! from the shore a g'ad welcome there came "Arrah, Paddy from Cork, is it you, my sweet boy?" While Pat stood astounded, to hear his own name Thus hail'd by black devils, who caper'd for joy! - In England, where, spite of the infidel's laughter, "Tis certain our souls are look'd very well atter, Two Bishops can well (if judiciously sunder'd) Of parishes manage two thousand two hundred,— Said number of parishes, under said teachers, Containing three millions of Protestant creatures,— So that each of said Bishops full ably controls One million and five hundred thousands of souls Can it possibly be?- half amazement half And now comes old Cocker. In Ireland we're doubt, Pat listens again-rubs his eyes and looks steady; Then heaves a deep sigh, and in horror yells out, "Good Lord! only think-black and curly already!" told, Half a million includes the whole Protestant fold; too. Nay, if as St. Roden complains is the case- Who has just the same decimal worth, to a hair LES HOMMES AUTOMATES. 1834. "We are persuaded that this our artificial man will not only walk and speak, and perform most of the outward functions of animal life, but (being wound up once a week will perhaps resort. as well as most of your country parsons."- Memoirs of Martines Scriblerus, chap. xii. Ir being an object now to meet by Scriblerus, constructed their artificial man. 4 The wooden models used by painters are, it is well known, called "lay figures." 1 Which, wound up carefully once a week, The' experiment having succeeded quite, Of these reverend pieces of machinery, That wood and leather are fit to fill. N.B. In places addicted to arson, We can't recommend a wooden parson: Thus, having your couple, and one a lord's cousin, Young materials for peers may be had by the dozen; And 'tis hard if, inventing each small mother's son of 'em, You can't somehow manage to prove yourself one of 'em. Should registers, deeds, and such matters refractory, 'Tis true, to a would-be descendant from Kings, And one's patent of peerage is left in the suds. But there are ways-when folks are resolv'd to be lords Of expurging ev'n troublesome parish records: What think ye of scissors? depend on't no heir Which (now that the eating's o'er) comes cheap. Of a Shamdos should go unsupplied with a pair P.S. Should the Lords, by way of a treat, Permit the clergy again to eat, The Church will, of course, no longer need And these wood creatures of ours will sell Our Beresfords, turn'd to bludgeons stout, HOW TO MAKE ONE'S SELF A PEER, ACCORDING TO THE NEWEST RECEIPT, AS DISCLOSED IN A LATE HERALDIC WORK.1 1834. 1 CHOOSE Some title that's dormant- the Peerage The Claim to the barony of Chandos (if I recollect right) advanced by the late Sir Eg-r-t-n Br-d-s. As, whate'er else the learn'd in such lore may invent, Your scissors does wonders in proving descent. |