course,—and demand it categorically of you in it, That my mother was not a Papist. his antagonist, Whether he would take -Papist! you told me no such thing, Sir. upon him to say, he had ever remembered, -Madam, I beg leave to repeat it over —whether he had ever read, or even again, that I told you as plain, at least, as whether he had ever heard tell of a man, words, by direct inference, could tell you called Tristram, performing any thing great such a thing.-Then, Sir, I must have missed or worth recording?-No,-he would say, a page.—No, Madam,—you have not missed —Tristram !—The thing is impossible. a word. Then I was asleep, Sir.-My What could be wanting in my father but pride, Madam, cannot allow you that refuge. to have wrote a book to publish this notion -Then, I declare, I know nothing at all of his to the world? Little boots it to the about the matter.-That, Madam, is the subtle speculatist to stand single in his very fault I lay to your charge; and, as a opinions, unless he gives them proper punishment for it, I do insist upon it, that vent:-It was the identical thing which you immediately turn back, that is, as soon my father did-for in the year sixteen, as you get to the next full stop, and read which was two years before I was born, he the whole chapter over again. I have imwas at the pains of writing an express posed this penance upon the lady, neither Dissertation simply upon the word Tris- out of wantonness nor cruelty, but from the tram,-showing the world, with great can- best of motives; and therefore shall make dor and modesty, the grounds of his great abhorrence to the name. her no apology for it when she returns back. -'Tis to rebuke a vicious taste, which has When this story is compared with the crept into thousands besides herself,-of title-page, will not the gentle reader pity reading straight forwards, more in quest of my father from his soul?-to see an orderly the adventures than of the deep erudition and well-disposed gentleman, who though and knowledge which a book of this cast, if singular, yet inoffensive in his notions, read over as it should be, would infallibly so played upon in them by cross-purposes- impart with them.—The mind should be to look down upon the stage, and see him accustomed to make wise reflections, and baffled and overthrown in all his little sys- draw curious conclusions, as it goes along; tems and wishes! to behold a train of events the habitude of which made Pliny the perpetually falling out against him, and in so Younger affirm, "That he never read a critical and cruel a way, as if they had pur-"book so bad, but he drew some profit from posely been plann'd and pointed against "it." The stories of Greece and Rome, run him, merely to insult his speculations! over without this turn and application,-do less service, I affirm it, than the history of Parismus and Parismenus, or of the Seven Champions of England, read with it. In a word, to behold such a one, in his old age, ill-fitted for troubles, ten times in a day suffering sorrow!—ten times in a day calling the child of his prayers Tristram !— -But here comes my fair lady. Have Melancholy dissyllable of sound! which, to you read over again the chapter, Madam, his ears, was unison to Nincompoop, and as I desired you?—You have: and did you every name vituperative under Heaven. not observe the passage, upon the second By his ashes! I swear it,-if ever malig- reading, which admits the inference?———— nant spirit took pleasure, or busied itself in Not a word like it! Then, Madam, be pleased traversing the purposes of mortal man,-it to ponder well the last line but one of the must have been here;-and if it was not ne- chapter, where I take upon me to say, "It cessary I should be born before I was chris-" was necessary I should be born before I was tened, I would this moment give the reader "christened." Had my mother, Madam, an account of it. been a Papist, that consequence did not follow.* CHAP. XX. *The Romish Rituals direct the baptizing of the child in cases of danger, before it is born;-but upon this proviso, That some part or other of the child's -How could you, Madam, be so inat-body be seen by the baptizer-but the Doctors of the Sorbonne, by a deliberation held amongst them, April tentive in reading the last chapter? I told 10, 1733,-have enlarged the powers of the midwives, It is a terrible misfortune for this same this self-same vile pruriency for fresh adbook of mine, but more so to the Republic ventures in all things, has got so strongly of Letters;-so that my own is quite swal- into our habit and humor, and so wholly lowed up in the consideration of it, that intent are we upon satisfying the impa by determining, That though no part of the child's ment les enfans ainsi renfermés dans le sein de leurs body should appear, that baptism shall, nevertheless, be administered to it by injection,-par le moyen d'une petite canulle,-Anglice,-a squirt-'tis very strange that St. Thomas Aquinas, who had so good a mechanical head, both for tying and untying the knots of school divinity, should, after so much pains bestowed upon this-give up the point at last, as a second La chose impossible-"Infantes in maternis uteris existentes (quoth St. Thomas!) baptizari possunt nullo modo."-O Thomas! Thomas! meres, ce qui est contre la supposition presente; et d'un autre côté, considerant que les mêmes théologiens enseignent, que l'on peut risquer les sacremens que Jesus Christ à établis comme des moyens faciles, mais nécessaires, pour sanctifier les hommes; et d'ailleurs estimant, que les enfans renfermés dans le sein de leurs meres, pourroient être capables de salut, parcequ'ils sont capables de damnation;-pour ces considerations, et en egard à l'exposé, suivant lequel on assure avoir trouvé un moyen certain de baptiser ces enfans ainsi renfermés, sans faire aucun tort à la mere, le Conseil estime que l'on pourroit se servir du moyen proposé, dans la confiance qu'il a, que Dieu n'a point laissé ces sortes d'enfans sans aucuns secours, et supposant, comme il est exposé, que le moyen dont il s'agit est propre à leur procurer le baptême; cependant comme il s'agiroit, en autorisant la pratique proposée, de changer une règle universellement "Un Chirurgien Accoucheur, represente à Mesétablie, le Conseil croit que celui qui consulte doit sieurs les Docteurs de Sorbonne, qu'il y a des cas, s'addresser à son evêque, et à qu'il il appartient de quoique très rares, où une mere ne sçauroit accouch-juger de l'utilité, et du danger du moyen proposé et If the reader has the curiosity to see the question upon baptism by injection, as presented to the Doctors of the Sorbonne, with their consultation thereupon, it is as follows: MEMOIRE PRESENTE A MESSIEURS LES eur, et même où l'enfant est tellement renfermé dans le sein de sa mere, qu'il ne fait parôitre aucune partie time qu'il faudroit recourir au Pape, que a le droit comme, sous le bon plaisir de l'evêque, le Conseil esde son corps, ce qui seroit un cas, suivant les Rituels, d'expliquer les rêgles de l'eglise, et d'y déroger dans le de lui conferer, du moins sous condition, le baptême. cas, ou la loi ne sçauroit obliger, quelque sage et Le Chirurgien, qui consulte, prétend, par le moyen d'une petite canulle, de pouvoir baptizer immediatement l'enfant, sans faire aucun tort à la mere—Il demand si ce moyen, qu'il vient de proposer, est permis et légitime, et s'il peut s'en servir dans les cas qu'il vient d'exposer." REPONSE. quelque utile que paroisse la manière de baptiser dont il s'agit, le Conseil ne pourroit l'approuver sans le concours de ces deux autorités. On conseile au moins l'on pourroit s'en servir, croit cependant, que si les enfans dont il s'agit, venoient au monde, contre l'esperance de ceux qui se seroient servis du même moyen, il seroit necessaire de les baptiser sous condition; et en cela le Conseil se conforme à tous les rituels, qui en autorisant le baptême d'un enfant qui fait paroitre quelque partie de son corps, enjoignent néantmoins, et ordonnent de le baptiser sous condition, s'il vient heureusement au monde. à celui qui consulte, de s'addresser à son evêque, et de lui faire part de la presente décision, afin que, si le prelat entre dans les raisons sur lesquelles les docteurs soussignés s'appuyent, il puisse être autorisé, "Le conseil estime, qui la question proposée souffre dans le cas de nécessité, ou il risqueroit trop d'attende grandes difficultés. Les Théologiens posent d'un dre que la permission fût demandée et accordée d'emcoté pour principe, que le baptême, qui est une nais.ployer le moyen qu'il propose si avantageux au salut sance spirituelle, suppose une premiere naissance; il de l'enfant. Au reste, le Conseil, en estimant que faut être né dans le monde, pour renaitre en Jesus Christ, comme ils l'enseignent. S. Thomas, 3 part quæst. 88. artic. 11. suit cette doctrine comme une verité constante; l'on ne peut, dit ce S. Docteur, bap tiser les enfans qui sont renfermé dans le sein de leurs meres, et S. Thomas est fondé sur ce, que les enfans ne sont point nés et ne peuvent être comptés parmi les autres hommes; d'où il conclud, qu'ils ne peuvent être l'objet d'une action extérieure pour recevoir par leur ministére les sacremens nécessaires au salut: “Pueri in maternis uteris existentes nondum prodierunt in lucem ut cum aliis hominibus vitam ducant: unde non possunt subjici actioni humanæ, ut per eorum ministerium sacramenta recipiant ad saluMr. Tristram Shandy's compliments to Messrs. Le tum." Les rituels ordonnent dans la pratique ce que Moyne, De Romigny, and De Marcilly; hopes they all les théologiens ont établi sur les mémes matières, et rested well the night after so tiresome a consultation. ils deffendent tous d'une manière uniforme, de baptiser-He begs to know, whether, after the ceremony of les enfans qui sont renfermés dans le sein de leurs marriage, and before that of consummation, the bapmeres, s'ils ne font paroitre quelque partie de leurs tizing all the Homunculi at once, slapdash, by injection, corps. Le concours des théologiens, et des rituels, would not be a shorter and safer cut still; on condiqui sont les régles des diocéses, paroit former une tion, as above, That if the Homunculi do well, and autorité qui termine la question presente; cependant come safe into the world after this, that each and le conseil de conscience considerant d'un côte, que le every of them shall be baptized again (sous condition) raisonnement des théologiens est uniquement fondé-And provided, in the second place, That the thing sur une raison de convenance, et que la deffense des can be done, which Mr. Shandy apprehends it may, rituels suppose que l'on ne peut baptiser immediate- par le moyen d'une petite canulle, and sans faire aucun tort au pere? * Vide Deventer, Paris edit. 4to., 1734. p. 366. Déliberé en Sorbonne, le 10 Avril, 1733. tience of our concupiscence that way,-that-That this copious store-house of original nothing but the gross and more carnal parts materials, is the true and natural cause that of a composition will go down:-the subtle our comedies are so much better than those hints and sly communications of science fly off, like spirits, upwards, the heavy moral escapes downwards; and both the one and the other are as much lost to the world, as if they were still left in the bottom of the ink-horn. of France, or any others that either have, or can be wrote upon the Continent:—that discovery was not fully made till about the middle of King William's reign,-when the great Dryden, in writing one of his long prefaces (if I mistake not) most fortunately I wish the male-reader has not passed by hit upon it. Indeed, toward the latter end many a one, as quaint and curious as this of Queen Anne, the great Addison began one, in which the female-reader has been to patronize the notion, and more fully exdetected. I wish it may have its effects;-plained it to the world in one or two of his and that all good people, both male and fe- Spectators;-but the discovery was not his. male, from example, may be taught to think -Then, fourthly and lastly, That this as well as read. CHAP. XXI. strange irregularity in our climate, producing so strange an irregularity in our characters, doth thereby, in some sort, make us amends, by giving us somewhat to make us merry with when the weather will not suffer -I wonder what's all that noise, and us to go out of doors;-that observation is running backwards and forwards for, above my own;-and was struck out by me this stairs? quoth my father, addressing himself, very rainy day, March 26, 1759, and betwixt after an hour and a half's silence, to my the hours of nine and ten in the morning. uncle Toby,—who, you must know, was Thus thus, my fellow-laborers and assitting on the opposite side of the fire, smok-sociates in this great harvest of our learning his social pipe all the time, in mute ing, now ripening before our eyes; thus it contemplation of a new pair of black plush- is, by slow steps of casual increase, that breeches which he had got on :-What can our knowledge, physical, metaphysical, phythey be doing, brother?-quoth my father,siological, polemical, nautical, mathematiwe can scarce hear ourselves talk. cal, enigmatical, technical, biographical, I think, replied my uncle Toby, taking his romantical, chemical, and obstetrical, with pipe from his mouth, and striking the head of fifty other branches of it (most of 'em endit two or three times upon the nail of his ing, as these do, in ical,) have, for these two left thumb as he began his sentence,-I last centuries and more, gradually been think, says he,but to enter rightly into creeping upwards towards that 'Aμ of their my uncle Toby's sentiments upon this mat-perfections, from which, if we may form a ter, you must be made to enter first a little conjecture from the advances of these last into his character, the outlines of which I seven years, we cannot possibly be far off. shall just give you, and then the dialogue When that happens, it is to be hoped, it between him and my father will go on as will put an end to all kind of writings well again. whatsoever;-the want of all kind of writPray, what was that man's name,-for Iing will put an end to all kind of reading;— write in such a hurry, I have no time to re- and that in time, as war begets poverty; collect or look for it,-who first made the poverty peace,-must, in course, put an end observation, "That there was great incon- to all kind of knowledge,—and then "stancy in our air and climate?" Whoever we shall have all to begin over again; or, he was, 'twas a just and good observation in other words, be exactly where we in him. But the corollary drawn from it, started. namely, "That it is this which has furnish-Happy! thrice happy times! I "ed us with such a variety of odd and whim- only wish that the era of my begetting, as "sical characters;"-that was not his;-it well as the mode and manner of it, had been was found out by another man, at least a a little alter'd,or that it could have century and a half after him. Then again, been put off, with any convenience to my But I forget my uncle Toby, whom all this while we have left knocking the ashes out of his tobacco-pipe. father or mother, for some twenty or five-mine nothing upon this.My way is ever and-twenty years longer, when a man in to point out to the curious, different tracts the literary world might have stood some of investigation, to come at the first springs chance.of the events I tell ;-not with a pedantic Fescue, or in the decisive manner of Tacitus, who outwits himself and his reader ;— but with the officious humility of a heart His humor was of that particular species devoted to the assistance merely of the inwhich does honor to our atmosphere; and I quisitive:-to them I write, -and by should have made no scruple of ranking him them I shall be read,if any such readamongst one of the first-rate productions of ing as this could be supposed to hold out so it, had not there appeared too many strong long,-to the very end of the world. lines in it of a family likeness, which showed Why this cause of sorrow, therefore, was that he derived the singularity of his tem- thus reserved for my father and uncle, is per more from blood, than either wind or undetermined by me. But how and in water, or any modifications or combinations what direction it exerted itself so as to beof them whatever; and I have, therefore, come the cause of dissatisfaction between oftentimes wondered, that my father, though them, after it began to operate, is what I I believe he had his reasons for it, upon his am able to explain with great exactness, observing some tokens of eccentricity in and is as follows: my course when I was a boy,-should never My uncle, Toby Shandy, Madam, was once endeavor to account for them in this a gentleman, who, with the virtues which way; for all the Shandy Family were of an usually constitute the character of a man original character throughout:- -I mean of honor and rectitude,- -possessed one in the males, the females had no character a very eminent degree, which is seldom or at all,-except, indeed, my great-aunt Di- never put into the catalogue; and that was nah, who, about sixty years ago, was mar- a most extreme and unparallel'd modesty ried and got with child by the coachman; of nature;- -though I correct the word for which my father, according to his hy- nature, for this reason, that I may not prepothesis of christian names, would often judge a point which must shortly come to say, She might thank her godfathers and godmothers. a hearing, and that is, Whether this modesty of his was natural or acquired?It will seem very strange,—and I would Whichever way my uncle Toby came by as soon think of dropping a riddle in the it, 'twas nevertheless modesty in the truest reader's way, which is not my interest to sense of it; and that is, Madam, not in redo, as set him upon guessing how it could gard to words, for he was so unhappy as to come to pass, that an event of this kind, so have very little choice in them, but to many years after it had happened, should things; and this kind of modesty so be reserved for the interruption of the peace possessed him, and it arose to such a height and unity, which otherwise so cordially sub- in him, as almost to equal, if such a thing sisted, between my father and my uncle could be, even the modesty of a woman: Toby. One would have thought that the that female nicety, Madam, and inward whole force of the misfortune should have cleanliness of mind and fancy, in your sex, spent and wasted itself in the family at which makes you so much the awe of ours. first, as is generally the case.-But no- You will imagine, Madam, that my uncle thing ever wrought with our family after Toby had contracted all this from this very the ordinary way. Possibly at the very source;-that he had spent a great part of time this happened, it might have some- his time in converse with your sex; and thing else to afflict it; and as afflictions are that, from a thorough knowledge of you, sent down for our good, and that as this had and the force of imitation which such fair never done the Shandy Family any good at examples render irresistible, he had acall, it might lie waiting till apt times and quired this amiable turn of mind. circumstances should give it an opportunity I wish I could say so;-for unless it was to discharge its office.Observe, I deter- with his sister-in-law, my father's wife and E my mother, This contrariety of humors betwixt my father and my uncle, was the source of many a fraternal squabble. The one could not bear to hear the tale of family disgrace recorded; and the other would scarce ever let a day pass to an end without some hint at it. -my uncle Toby scarce ex-service in establishing my father's system, changed three words with the sex in as which, I trust, will for ever hereafter be many years.-No; he got it, Madam, by a called the SHANDEAN SYSTEM after his. blow. A blow!-Yes, Madam, it was In any other family-dishonor, my father, owing to a blow from a stone, broke off by I believe, had as nice a sense of shame as a ball from the parapet of a horn-work at any man whatever;and neither he, nor the siege of Namur, which struck full upon I dare say, Copernicus, would have divulmy uncle Toby's groin.-Which way could ged the affair in either case, or have taken that effect it?—The story of that, Madam, the least notice of it to the world, but for is long and interesting;-but it would be the obligation they owed, as they thought, running my history all upon heaps to give to truth.-Amicus Plato,-my father would it you here.'Tis for an episode hereaf- say, construing the words to my uncle ter; and every circumstance relating to it, Toby as he went along;-Amicus Plato,— in its proper place, shall be faithfully laid that is, Dinah was my aunt;-sed magis before you.-Till then, it is not in my pow- amica veritas,— -but Truth is my sister. er to give farther light into this matter, or say more than what I have said already,That my uncle Toby was a gentleman of unparallel'd modesty, which happening to be somewhat subtilized and rarefied by the constant heat of a little family pride,they both so wrought together within him that he could never bear to hear the affair For God's sake, my uncle Toby would of my aunt Dinah touch'd upon, but with cry,- -and for my sake, and for all our the greatest emotion.—The least hint of sakes, my dear brother Shandy,—do let this it was enough to make the blood fly into story of our aunt's and her ashes sleep in his face; but when my father enlarged peace.-How can you,-how can you have upon the story in mixed companies, which so little feeling and compassion for the the illustration of his hypothesis frequently character of our family?——What is the obliged him to do,—the unfortunate blight character of a family to an hypothesis? my of one of the fairest branches of the fam- father would reply.-Nay, if you come to ily, would set my uncle Toby's honor and that, what is the life of a family?—The modesty o'bleeding; and he would often life of a family-my uncle Toby would say, take my father aside, in the greatest con- throwing himself back in his arm-chair, and cern imaginable, to expostulate and tell lifting up his hands, his eyes, and one leg. him, he would give him any thing in the -Yes, the life,- -my father would say, world, only to let the story rest. maintaining his point. How many thouMy father, I believe, had the truest love sands of 'em are there, every year that and tenderness for my uncle Toby, that comes, cast away, (in all civilized countries ever one brother bore towards another; and at least)—and considered as nothing but would have done any thing in nature, which common air in competition of an hypothesis! one brother in reason could have desir'd of In my plain sense of things, my uncle Toanother, to have made my uncle Toby's by would answer, every such instance heart easy in this, or any other point. But is downright Murder, let who will commit this lay out of his power. it.There lies your mistake, my father —My father, as I told you, was a phi- would reply;- -for, in Foro Scientia losopher in grain,-speculative,-system- there is no such thing as Murder;—'tis atical;—and my aunt Dinah's affair was a only Death, brother. matter of as much consequence to him, as My uncle Toby would never offer to anthe retrogradation of the planets to Coper-swer this by any other kind of argument nicus:—the backslidings of Venus in her than that of whistling half a dozen bars of orbit fortified the Copernican system, called Lillebullero.—You must know it was the so after his name; and the backslidings of usual channel through which his passions my aunt Dinah in her orbit, did the same got vent, when any thing shocked or sur |