CHAP. VI. ship that I would be understood to mean no more of it than a small circle described In the beginning of the last chapter, I upon the circle of the great world, of four informed you exactly when I was born; but English miles diameter, or thereabouts, of I did not inform you how. No; that par- which the cottage where the good old woticular was reserved entirely for a chapter man lived is supposed to be the centre?— by itself;-besides, Sir, as you and I are in She had been left, it seems, a widow in a manner perfect strangers to each other, it great distress, with three or four small chilwould not have been proper to have let you dren, in her forty-seventh year; and as she into too many circumstances relating to my- was at that time a person of decent carself all at once.-You must have a little riage,-grave deportment,-a woman morepatience. I have undertaken, you see, to over of few words, and withal an object of write not only my life, but my opinions compassion, whose distress, and silence unalso; hoping and expecting that your know-der it, called out the louder for a friendly ledge of my character, and of what kind of lift,-the wife of the parson of the parish a mortal I am, by the one, would give you a was touched with pity; and having often better relish for the other. As you proceed lamented an inconvenience to which her farther with me, the slight acquaintance, husband's flock had for many years been which is now beginning betwixt us, will exposed, inasmuch as there was no such grow into familiarity; and that, unless one thing as a midwife, of any kind or degree, of us is in fault, will terminate in friend- to be got at, let the case have been ever so ship.-O diem præclarum!—then nothing urgent, within less than six or seven long which has touched me will be thought tri- miles' riding; which said seven long miles fling in its nature, or tedious in its telling. in dark nights and dismal roads, the counTherefore, my dear friend and companion, try thereabouts being nothing but a deep if you should think me somewhat sparing clay, was almost equal to fourteen; and that of my narrative on my first setting out- in effect was sometimes next to having no bear with me-and let me go on and tell midwife at all, it came into her head that my story my own way :-or, if I should it would be doing as seasonable a kindness seem now and then to trifle upon the road, to the whole parish as to the poor creature or should sometimes put on a fool's cap, herself, to get her a little instructed in with a bell to it, for a moment or two as we some of the plain principles of the business, pass along, don't fly off, but rather cour- in order to set her up in it. As no woman teously give me credit for a little more wis- thereabouts was better qualified to execute dom than appears upon my outside; and, as we jog on, either laugh with me, or at me, or, in short, do any thing,-only keep your temper. CHAP. VII. the plan she had formed than herself, the gentlewoman very charitably undertook it; and having great influence over the female part of the parish, she found no difficulty in effecting it to the utmost of her wishes. In truth, the parson joined his interest with his wife's in the whole affair; and, in order to do things as they should be, and give the poor soul as good a title by law to practise, In the same village where my father and as his wife had given by institution,-he my mother dwelt, dwelt also a thin, upright, cheerfully paid the fees for the ordinary's motherly, notable, good old body of a mid- license himself, amounting in the whole to wife, who, with the help of a little plain the sum of eighteen shillings and fourgood sense, and some years' full employ-pence; so that, betwixt them both, the good ment in her business, in which she had all woman was fully invested in the real and along trusted little to her own efforts, and corporal possession of her office, together a great deal to those of dame Nature,-had with all its rights, members, and appuracquired, in her way, no small degree of tenances whatsoever. reputation in the world:-by which word These last words, you must know, were world, need I in this place inform your wor- not according to the old form in which such licenses, faculties and powers usually ran, not much matter what I do: so I seldom which, in like cases, had heretofore been fret or fume at all about it: nor does it much granted to the sisterhood; but it was ac- disturb my rest, when I see such great lords cording to a neat formula of Didius his own and tall personages as hereafter follow;— devising, who having a particular turn for such, for instance, as my lord A, B, C, D, taking to pieces and new-framing over again E, F, G, H, I, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, and so all kinds of instruments in that way, not on, all of a row, mounted upon their several only hit upon this dainty amendment, but horses;-some with large stirrups, getting coaxed many of the old licensed matrons in on with a more grave and sober pace;the neighborhood to open their faculties others, on the contrary, tucked up to their afresh, in order to have this whimwham of very chins, with whips across their mouths, his inserted. scouring and scampering away like so many I own I never could envy Didius in these little party-colored devils astride a mortkinds of fancies of his :-but every man to gage,-and as if some of them were rehis own taste.-Did not Dr. Kunastrokius, solved to break their necks.-So much the that great man, at his leisure hours, take better,-say I to myself;-for, in case the the greatest delight imaginable in combing worst should happen, the world will make of asses' tails, and plucking the dead hairs a shift to do excellently well without them; out with his teeth, though he had tweezers and for the rest,-why,-God speed them, always in his pocket? Nay, if you come to -e'en let them ride on without opposition that, Sir, have not the wisest of men in all from me; for, were their lordships unhorsed ages, not excepting Solomon himself,-have this very night-'tis ten to one but that they not had their HOBBY-HORSES,-their many of them would be worse mounted by running horses, their coins and their one half before to-morrow morning. cockle-shells, their drums and their trumpets, their fiddles, their pallets, their maggots, and their butterflies?—and so long as a man rides his HOBBY-HORSE peaceably and quietly along the King's highway, and neither compels you nor me to get up behind him,-pray, Sir, what have either you or I to do with it? CHAP. VIII. Not one of these instances therefore can be said to break in upon my rest.—But there is an instance, which I own puts me off my guard, and that is, when I see one born for great actions, and, what is still more for his honor, whose nature ever inclines him to good ones;-when I behold such a one, my Lord, like yourself, whose principles and conduct are as generous and noble as his blood, and whom, for that reason, a corrupt world cannot spare one moment; -when I see such a one, my Lord, mounted, though it is but for a minute beyond the -De gustibus non est disputandum;-time which my love to my country has prethat is, there is no disputing against HOBBY-scribed to him, and my zeal for his glory HORSES; and for my part I seldom do; nor wishes,-then, my Lord, I cease to be a phicould I with any sort of grace, had I been losopher, and in the first transport of an an enemy to them at the bottom; for hap- honest impatience, I wish the HOBBY-HORSE, pening, at certain intervals and changes of with all its fraternity, at the Devil. the moon, to be both fiddler and painter, according as the fly stings,-be it known to you, that I keep a couple of pads myself, "I MAINTAIN this to be a dedication, upon which, in their turns, (nor do I care notwithstanding its singularity in the who knows it,) I frequently ride out and "three great essentials of matter, form, and take the air; though sometimes, to my "place: I beg, therefore, you will accept it shame be it spoken, I take somewhat longer" as such, and that you will permit me to journeys than what a wise man would think "lay it, with the most respectful humility, altogether right. But the truth is,-I am "at your Lordship's feet,-when you are not a wise man;—and besides, am a mortal" upon them,—which you can be when you of so little consequence in the world, it is" please;-and that is, my Lord, whenever 66 "My Lord, "there is occasion for it; and I will add, to divided into 20,-I believe, my Lord, the "the best purposes too. 66 I have the honor to be, "Your Lordship's most obedient, and most humble servant, CHAP. IX. outlines will turn out as 12,-the composition as 9,-the coloring as 7,-the expression 13 and a half,-and the design, if I may be allowed, my Lord, to understand my own design, and supposing absolute perfection in designing, to be as 20,-I think it cannot well fall short of 19. Besides all this, there is keeping in it; and the dark strokes in the HOBBY-HORSE (which is a secondary figure, and a kind of back-ground to the whole,) give great force to the principal lights in your own figure, and make I SOLEMNLY declare to all mankind, that it come off wonderfully;—and besides, there the above dedication was made for no one is an air of originality in the tout ensemble. Prince, Prelate, Pope, or Potentate,-Duke, Be pleased, my good Lord, to order the Marquis, Earl, Viscount, or Baron, of this, sum to be paid into the hands of Mr. Dodsor any other realm in Christendom;-nor ley, for the benefit of the author; and in has it yet been hawked about, or offered the next edition care shall be taken that publicly or privately, directly or indirectly, this chapter be expunged, and your Lordto any one person or personage, great or ship's titles, distinctions, arms, and good acsmall; but is honestly a true virgin-Dedica- tions, be placed at the front of the precedtion untried on, upon any soul living. ing chapter: all which, from the words De I labor this point so particularly, merely gustibus non est disputandum, and whatto remove any offence or objection which ever else in this book relates to HOBBYmight arise against it from the manner in HORSES, but no more, shall stand dedicated which I propose to make the most of it;-to your Lordship.-The rest I dedicate to which is the putting it up fairly to public sale; which I now do. the Moon, who, by the bye, of all the Patrons or Matrons I can think of, has most power to set my book a-going, and make the world run mad after it. Bright Goddess, -Every author has a way of his own in bringing his points to bear;-for my own part, as I hate chaffering and higgling for a few guineas in a dark entry, I resolved If thou art not too busy with CANDID and within myself, from the very beginning, to Miss CUNEGUND's affairs,-take Tristram deal squarely and openly with your Great Folks in this affair, and try whether I should not come off the better by it. Shandy's under thy protection also. CHAP. X. If therefore there is any one Duke, Marquis, Earl, Viscount, or Baron, in these His Majesty's dominions, who stands in need of a tight, genteel dedication, and whom WHATEVER degree of small merit the the above will suit, (for, by the bye, unless act of benignity in favor of the midwife it suits in some degree, I will not part might justly claim, or in whom that claim with it,)—it is much at his service for fifty truly rested,—at first sight seems not very guineas; which I am positive is twenty guineas less than it ought to be afforded for, by any man of genius. material to this history; certain, however, it was, that the gentlewoman, the parson's wife, did run away at that time with the My Lord, if you examine it over again, whole of it: and yet, for my life, I cannot it is far from being a gross piece of daubing, help thinking but that the parson himself, as some dedications are. The design, your though he had not the good fortune to hit Lordship sees, is good, the coloring trans- upon the design first,-yet, as he heartily parent, the drawing not amiss; or, to concurred in it the moment it was laid bespeak more like a man of science, and fore him, and as heartily parted with his measure my piece in the painter's scale, money to carry it into execution, had a claim to some share of it,-if not a full half of on the seat with green plush, garnished whatever honor was due to it. with a double row of silver-headed studs, The world at that time was pleased to and a noble pair of shining brass stirrups, determine the matter otherwise. with a housing altogether suitable, of grey Lay down the book, and I will allow you superfine cloth, with an edging of black half a day to give a probable guess at the lace, terminating in a deep, black, silk fringe, grounds of this procedure. poudré d'or:-all which he had purchased Be it known then, that, for about five in the pride and prime of his life, together years before the date of the midwife's li- with a grand embossed bridle, ornamented cense, of which you have had so circum- at all points as it should be.—But not stantial an account, the parson we have caring to banter his beast, he had hung all to do with, had made himself a country-talk these up behind his study-door; and, in lieu by a breach of all decorum, which he had of them, had seriously befitted him with just committed against himself, his station, and such a bridle and such a saddle as the figure his office :—and that was in never appearing and value of such a steed might well and better, or otherwise mounted, than upon a truly deserve. lean, sorry, jack-ass of a horse, value about In the several sallies about his parish, and one pound fifteen shillings; who, to shorten in the neighboring visits to the gentry who all description of him, was full brother to lived around him,-you will easily compreRosinante, as far as similitude congenial hend, that the parson, so appointed, would could make him; for he answered his de- both hear and see enough to keep his phiscription to a hairbreadth in every thing,-losophy from rusting. To speak the truth, except that I do not remember 'tis anywhere he never could enter a village, but he caught said that Rosinante was broken winded; and the attention of both old and young.that, moreover, Rosinante, as it is the hap- Labor stood still as he passed,—the bucket piness of most Spanish horses, fat or lean, hung suspended in the middle of the well -was undoubtedly a horse at all points. -the spinning-wheel forgot its round, I know very well that the Hero's horse even chuck-farthing and shuffle-cap themwas a horse of chaste deportment, which selves stood gaping till he had got out of may have given grounds for the contrary sight; and as his movement was not of the opinion: but it is as certain, at the same quickest, he had generally time enough time, that Rosinante's continency (as may be upon his hands to make his observations,-demonstrated from the adventure of the to hear the groans of the serious,—and the Yanguesian carriers) proceeded from no laughter of the light-hearted: all which he bodily defect or cause whatsoever, but from bore with excellent tranquillity.-His charthe temperance and orderly current of his acter was, he loved a jest in his heart,— blood.—And let me tell you, Madam, there and as he saw himself in the true point of is a great deal of very good chastity in the ridicule, he would say he could not be angry world, in behalf of which you could not say with others for seeing him in a light in which more for your life. he so strongly saw himself;-so that to his Let that be as it may, as my purpose is friends, who knew his foible was not the to do exact justice to every creature brought love of money, and who therefore made upon the stage of this dramatic work,-I the less scruple in bantering the extravacould not stifle this distinction in favor of gance of his humor,-instead of giving the Don Quixote's horse;-in all other points, true cause, he chose rather to join in the the parson's horse, I say, was just such an- laugh against himself; and as he never other: for he was as lean, and as lank, and as sorry a jade, as Humility herself could have bestrided. carried one single ounce of flesh upon his own bones, being altogether as spare a figure as his beast, he would sometimes In the estimation of here and there a man insist upon it, that the horse was as good as of weak judgment, it was greatly in the the rider deserved;—that they were, cenparson's power to have helped the figure of taur-like, both of a piece. At other times, this horse of his,-for he was master of a and in other moods, when his spirits were very handsome demi-peak'd saddle, quilted above the temptation of false wit,-he would say, he found himself going off fast in a fuse him; the upshot of which was geneconsumption; and, with great gravity, rally this, that his horse was either clapped, would pretend, he could not bear the sight or spavined, or greazed; or he was twitterof a fat horse, without a dejection of heart, boned, or broken winded, or something, in and a sensible alteration in his pulse; and short, or other had befallen him, which that he had made choice of the lean one he would let him carry no flesh;-so that he rode upon, not only to keep himself in coun- had every nine or ten months a bad horse tenance, but in spirits. to get rid of,-and a good horse to purchase in his stead. What the loss in such a balance might At different times he would give fifty humorous and apposite reasons for riding a meek-spirited jade of a broken winded amount to, communibus annis, I would horse, preferably to one of mettle;-for on leave to a special jury of sufferers in the such a one he could sit mechanically, and same traffic, to determine;—but let it be meditate as delightfully de vanitate mundi what it would, the honest gentleman bore el fugâ sæculi, as with the advantage of a it for many years without a murmur, till at death's-head before him;-that, in all other length, by repeated ill accidents of the kind, exercitations, he could spend his time, as he found it necessary to take the thing he rode slowly along,-to as much account under consideration; and, upon weighing as in his study;-that he could draw up an the whole, and summing it up in his mind, argument in his sermon,—or a hole in his he found it not only disproportioned to his breeches, as steadily on the one as in the other expenses, but withal so heavy an artiother;—that brisk trotting and slow argu- cle in itself as to disable him from any other mentation, like wit and judgment, were act of generosity in his parish; besides this, two incompatible movements.-But that he considered that with half the sum thus upon his steed, he could unite and reconcile galloped away, he could do ten times as every thing; he could compose his ser- much good;—and what still weighed more mon, he could compose his cough,—and, with him than all other considerations put in case nature gave a call that way, he together, was this, that it confined all his could likewise compose himself to sleep.- charity into one particular channel, and In short, the parson upon such encounters where, as he fancied, it was the least would assign any cause but the true cause; wanted; namely, to the child-bearing and and he withheld the true one, only out of a child-getting part of his parish; reserving nicety of temper, because he thought it did nothing for the impotent,-nothing for the honour to him. aged,-nothing for the many comfortless But the truth of the story was as follows:- scenes he was hourly called forth to visit, In the first years of this gentleman's life, where poverty, and sickness, and affliction and about the time when the superb saddle dwelt together. and bridle were purchased by him, it had For these reasons he resolved to disconbeen his manner, or vanity, or call it what tinue the expense; and there appeared but you will,―to run into the opposite extreme. two possible ways to extricate him clearly -In the language of the country where he out of it; and these were, either to make it dwelt, he was said to have loved a good an irrevocable law never more to lend his horse, and generally had one of the best steed upon any application whatever,-or in the whole parish standing in his stable else be content to ride the last poor devil, always ready for saddling; and as the near- such as they had made him, with all his est midwife, as I told you, did not live nearer aches and infirmities, to the very end of to the village than seven miles, and in a the chapter. vile country, it so fell out that the poor gentleman was scarce a whole week together first,―he very cheerfully betook himself to without some piteous application for his the second; and though he could very well beast: and as he was not an unkind-hearted have explained it, as I said, to his honour,man, and every case was more pressing and yet, for that very reason, he had a spirit more distressful than the last,- -as much as above it; choosing rather to bear the conhe loved his beast, he had never a heart to re-tempt of his enemies and the laughter of As he dreaded his own constancy in the |