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ural philosopher, who inspects them as he would any other phenomenon, or queer bird, or odd fish, or fine flower. These fellows are like the flowers, and neither toil nor spin, but are decked out in magnificent apparel : and for some wise and useful purpose no doubt. It is good that there should be honest, handsome, hard-living, hard-riding, stupid young Windsor Heavies - as that there should be polite young gentlemen in the Temple, or any other variety of our genus.
And it is good that you should go from time to time to the Heavies' mess, if they ask you; and know that worthy set of gentlemen. But beware, O Bob, how you live with them. Remember that your lot in life is to toil, and spin too — and calculate how much time it takes a Heavy or a man of that condition to do nothing. Say, he dines at eight o'clock, and spends seven hours after dinner in pleas
Well, if he goes to bed at three in the morning - that precious youth must have nine hours' sleep, which bring him to twelve o'clock next day, when he will have a headache probably, so that he can hardly be expected to dress, rally, have devilled chicken and pale ale, and get out before three. Friendship — the Club — the visits which he is compelled to pay, occupy him till five or six, and wbat time is there left for exercise and a ride in the Park, and for a second toilet preparatory to dinner, &c.? - He goes on his routine of pleasure, this young Heavy, as you in yours of duty - one man in London is pretty nearly as busy as another. The company of young “ Swells," then, if you will permit me the word, is not for you. You must consider that you should not spend more than a certain sum for your dinner — they need not. You wear a black coat, and they a shining cuirass and monstrous epaulets. Yours is the useful part in life and theirs the splendid - though why speak further on this subject? Since the days of the Frog and the Bull, a desire to cope with Bulls has been known to be fatal to Frogs.
And to know young noblemen, and brilliant and notorious town bucks and leaders of fashion, has this great disadvantage — that if you talk about them or are seen with them much, you offend all your friends of middle life. It makes men angry to see their acquaintances better off than they themselves are.
you live much with great people, others will be sure to say that you are a sneak. I have known Jack Jolliff, whose fun and spirits made him adored by the dandies (for they are just such folks as you and I, only with not quite such good brains, and perhaps better manners - simple folks who
want to be amused) — I have known Jack Jolliff, I say, offend a whole roomful of men by telling us that he had been dining with a Duke. We hadn't been to dine with a Duke. We were not courted by grandees — and we disliked the man who was, and said he was a parasite, because men of fashion courted him. I don't know any means by which men hurt themselves more in the estimation of their equals than this of talking of great folks. A man may mean no harm by it — he speaks of the grandees with whom he lives, as you and I do of Jack and Tom who give us dinners. But his old acquaintances do not forgive him his superiority, and set the Tufthunted down as the Tufthunter.
I remember laughing at the jocular complaint made by one of this sort, a friend, whom I shall call Main. After Main published his “ Travels in the Libyan Desert " four years ago, he became a literary lion, and roared in many of the metropolitan salons. He is a good-natured fellow, never in the least puffed up by his literary success; and always said that it would not last. His greatest leonine quality, however, is his appetite; and to behold him engaged on a Club joint, or to see him make away with pounds of turbot, and plate after plate of entrées, roasts, and sweets, is indeed a remarkable sight, and refreshing to those who like to watch animals feeding. But since Main has gone out of, and other authors have come into, fashion — the poor fellow comically grumbles. " That year of lionization has ruined me. The people who used to ask me before, don't ask me any more. They are afraid to invite me to Bloomsbury, because they fancy I am accustomed to May Fair, and May Fair has long since taken up with a new roarer so that I am quite alone!” And thus he dines at the Club almost every day at his own charges now, and attacks the joint. I do not en." the man who comes after him to the haunch of mutton.
If Fate, then, my dear Bob, should bring you in contact with a lord or two, eat their dinners, enjoy their company, but be mum about them when you go away.
And though it is a hard and cruel thing to say, I would urge you, my dear Bob, specially to be aware of taking pleasant fellows for your friends. Choose a good disagreeable friend, if you be wise -- a surly, steady, economical, rigid fellow. All jolly fellows, all delights of Club smoking-rooms and billiard-rooms, all fellows who sing a capital song, and the like, are sure to be poor. As they are free with their own money, so will they be with yours; and their very gen
erosity and .goodness of disposition will prevent them from. having the means of paying you back. They lend their money to some other jolly fellows. They accommodate each other by putting their jolly names to the backs of jolly bills. Gentlemen in Cursitor Street are on the look-out for them. Their tradesmen ask for them, and find them not. Ah! Bob, it's hard times with a gentleman, when he has to walk round a street for fear of meeting a creditor there, and for a man of courage, when he can't look a tailor in the face.
Eschew jolly fellows then, my boy, as the most dangerous and costly of company; and àpropos of bills — if I ever hear of your putting your name to stamped paper – I will disown you, and cut you off with a protested shilling.
I know many men who say (whereby I have my private opinion of their own probity) that all poor people are dishonest: this is a hard word, though more generally true than some folks suppose - but I fear that all people much in debt are not honest. A man who has to wheedle a tradesman is not going through a very honorable business in life — a man with a bill becoming due to-morrow morning, and putting a good face on it in the Club, is perforce a hypocrite whilst he is talking to you - a man who has to do any meanness about money I fear me is so nearly like a rogue, that it's not much use calculating where the difference lies. Let us be very gentle with our neighbors' failings; and forgive our friends their debts, as we hope ourselves to be forgiven. But the best thing of all to do with your debts is to pay them. Make none; and don't live with people who do. Why, if I dine with a man who is notoriously living beyond his means, I am a hypocrite certainly myself, and I fear a bit of a rogue too. I try to make my host believe that I believe him an honest fellow. I look his sham splendor in the face without saying, “ You are an impostor.” — Alas, Robert, I have partaken of feasts where it seemed to me that the plate, the viands, the wine, the servants, and butlers, were all sham, like Cinderella's coach and footmen, and would turn into rats and mice, and an old shoe or a cabbage-stalk, as soon as we were out of the house and the clock struck twelve.
MR. BROWN THE ELDER TAKES MR. BROWN THE YOUNGER
TO A CLUB.
PRESUMING that my dear Bobby would scarcely consider himself to be an accomplished man about town, until he had obtained an entrance into a respectable Club, I am happy to inform you that you are this day elected a Member of the “ Polyanthus," having been proposed by my friend, Lord Viscount Colchicum, and seconded by your affectionate uncle. I have settled with Mr. Stiff, the worthy Secretary, the preliminary pecuniary arrangements regarding the entrance fee and the first annual subscription -- the ensuing payments I shall leave to my worthy nephew.
You were elected, sir, with but two black balls ; and every other man who was put up for ballot had four, with the exception of Tom Harico, who had more black beans than white. Do not, however, be puffed up by this victory, and fancy yourself more popular than other men. Indeed I don't mind telling you (but, of course, I do not wish it to go any further,) that Captain Slyboots and I, having suspicions of the Meeting, popped a couple of adverse balls into the other candidates boxes; so that, at least, you should, in case of mishap, not be unaccompanied in ill fortune.
Now, then, that you are a member of the “ Polyanthus,” I trust you will comport yourself with propriety in the place : and permit me to offer you a few hints with regard to your bearing.
We are not so stiff at the “ Polyanthus” as at some clubs I could name and a good deal of decent intimacy takes place amongst us. - Do not therefore enter the Club, as I have seen men do at the “ Chokers” (of which I am also a member), with your eyes scowling under your hat at your neighbor, and with an expression of countenance which seems to say, “ Hang your impudence, sir, How dare you stare at me?" Banish that absurd dignity and swagger, which do not at all become your youthful countenance, my dear Bob, and let us walk up the steps and into the place. See, old Noseworthy is in the bow-window reading the paper - he is always in the bowwindow reading the paper.
We pass by the worthy porter, and alert pages — a fifteenhundredth part of each of whom is henceforth your paid for property - and you see he takes down yonr name as Mr. R. Brown, Junior, and will know you and be civil to you until death — Ha, there is Jawkins, as usual ; he has nailed poor Styles up against a pillar, and is telling him what the opinion of the City is about George Hudson, Esq., and when Sir Robert will take the government. How d'you do, Jawkins? Satisfactory news from India ? Gilbert to be made Baron Gilbert of Goojerat? Indeed, I don't introduce you to Jawkins, my poor Bob; he will do that for himself, and you will have quite enough of him before many days are over.
Those three gentlemen sitting on the sofa are from our beloved sister island ; they come here every day, and wait for the Honorable Member for Ballinafad, who is at present in the writing-room.
I have remarked, in London, however, that every Irish gentleman is accompanied by other Irish gentlemen, who wait for him as here, or at the corner of the street. These are waiting until the Honorable Member for Ballinafad can get them three places, in the Excise, in the Customs, and a little thing in the Post Office, no doubt. One of them sends home a tremendous account of parties and politics here, which appears in the Ballinafad Banner. He knows everything. He has just been closeted with Peel, and can vouch for it that Clarendon has been sent for. He knows who wrote the famous pamphlet, “Ways and Means for Ireland,” — all the secrets of the present Cabinet, the designs of Sir James Graham. How Lord John can live under those articles which he writes in the Banner is a miracle to me! I hope he will get that little thing in the Post Office soon.
This is the newspaper-room — enter the Porter with the evening papers — what a rush the men make for them! Do you want to see one? Here is the Standard – nice article about the “Starling Club” - very pleasant, candid, gentleman-like notice - Club composed of clergymen, atheists, authors, and artists. Their chief conversation is blasphemy: they have statues of Socrates and Mahomet on the centre-piece of the dinner-table, take every opportunity of being disrespectful to Moses, and a dignified clergyman always proposes the Glorious, Pious, and Immortal Memory of Confucius. Grace is said backwards, and the Catechism treated with the most irreverent ribaldry by the comic authors and the general company. - Are these men to be allowed to meet, and their horrid orgies to continue? Have you had enough?- Let us go into the other rooms.