A The WONDERFUL WONDER of WONDERS.. ΤΗ HERE is a certain person lately arrived at this city, whom it is very proper the world should be informed of. His character may perhaps be thought very inconfiftent, improbable, and unna. tural; however I intend to draw it with the utmost regard to truth. This I am the better qualified to do, because he is a fort of dependent upon our family, and almost of the fame age; though I cannot dis rectly fay, I have ever/een him. He is a native of this country, and hath lived long among us: but what appears wonderful, and hardly credible, was never feen before by any mortal. It is true indeed, he always chufes the lowest place in company, and contrives it fo, to keep out of fight. It is reported however, that in his younger days he was frequently exposed to view, but always against his will, and was fure to fmart for it. As to his family he came into the world a younger brother, being of fix children the fourth in order of (1) birth; of which the eldeft is now head. of the houfe; the fecond and third carry arms; but the two youngest are only flotmen: fome iadeed add, that he hath likewife a twin-brother, who hives over-again him, and keeps a (2) victuallingboufe; he hath the reputation to be a clofe, griping, fqueezing fellow; and that when his bags are full, he is often needy; yet when the fit takes him, as fast as he gets, he lets it fly.. When in office no one difchargeth himelf, or doth his bufinefs better. He hath fometimes ftrained hard for an honeft livelihood; and never got a bit, till every body elfe had done. One practice appears very blameable in him; that. Cc 2 every every morning he privately frequents unclean houses where any modeft perfon would blush to be seen. And although this be generally known, yet the world, as cenforious as it is, hath been fo kind to overlook this infirmity in him. To deal impartially; it must be granted, that he is too great a lover of himself, and very often confults his own cafe at the expence of his best friends: but this is one of his blind fides; and the best of men I fear are not without them. He hath been conftituted by the higher powers in the ftation of receiver general, in which employployment fome have cenfured him for playing fast and Isofe. He is likewife overfeer of the golaen mines, which he daily infpecteth, when his health will permit him. He was long bred under a (3) mafter of arts, who inftilled good principles in him, but these were foon corrupted. I know not whether this deferves mention; that he is so very capricious, as to take it for an equal affront to talk either of killing or kicking him, which hath occafioned a thoufand quarrels: However no body was fo great a fufferer for faults, which he neither was, nor poffibly could be guilty of. In his religion he hath thus much of the quaker, that he ftands always covered, even in the prefence of the King; in most other points a perfect (4) idolater, although he endeavours to conceal it; for he is known to offer daily facrifices to certain fubterraneous nymphs, whom he worthips in an humble pofture, prone on his face, and ftript ftark-naked; and 10 leaves his offerings behind him, which the (5) priests of thofe goddeffes are careful enough to remove upon certain feafons with the utmoft privacy at midnight, and from thence maintain themselves and families In all urgent neceffities and preffures, he applies himself to thefe deities, and fometimes even in the streets and high ways, from an opinion that thofe thofe powers have an influence in all places, altho' their peculiar refidence be in caverns under ground. Upon thefe occafions the fairest ladies will not refufe to lend their hands to affift him for although they are afhamed to have him feen in their company, or even so much as to hear him named; yet it is well known, that he is one of their conftant followers. : In politics, he always fubmits to what is uppermoft; but he peruses pamphlets on both fides with great impartiality, though feldom till every body else hath done with it. His learning is of a mixed kind, and he may properly be called a belluo librorum, or another Jacobus de Voragine; though his ftudies are chiefly confined to fchoolmen, commentators, and German divines, together with modern poets and critics: and he is an atomic philofopher, ftrongly maintaining a void in nature, which he feems to have fairly proved by many experiments. I fhall now proceed to describe some particular qualities, which, in feveral inftances feem to diftinguifh this perfon from the common race of other mortals. His grandfather was a member of the rump pr liament, as the grandfan is of the prefent, where he often rifes, fometimes grumbles, but never speaks. However he lets nothing pafs willingly, but what is well digefted. His courage is indifputable, fore he will take the boldest man alive by the nose. He is generally the first a bed in the family, and the last up; which is to be lamented; because when he happens to rife before the reft, it hath been. thought to forebode good fortune to his fuperiors. As wifdom is acquired by age, fo by every new (6)wrinkle in his face, he is reported to gain fome. new knowledge. In him we may obferve the true effects and confequences of tyranny in a ftate; for, as he is a great oppreffor of all below him, fo there is no body more. oppressed! opprefed by thofe above him: yet in his time he hath been fo highly in favour, that many illuftrious perfons have been entirely indebted to him for their preferments. He hath difcovered, from his own experience, the true point, wherein all human actions, projects, and defigns do chiefly terminate; and how mean and fordid they are at the bottom. It behoves the public to keep him quiet; for his frequent murmurs are a certain fign of inteftine tumults. No philofopher ever lamented more the luxury, for which these nations are so justly taxed: it hath been known to coft him (7) tears of blood: for, in his own nature, he is far from being profufe; tho' indeed he never stays a night at a gentleman's house without leaving fomething behind him. He receives with great fubmiffion whatever his patrons think fit to give him; and when they lay heavy burdens upon him, which is frequently enough, he gets rid of them as foon as he can; but not without fome labour and much grumbling. He is a perpetual hanger-on; yet no body knows how to be without him. He patiently fuffers him. felf to be kept under, but loves to be well ufed, and in that cafe will facrifice his vitals to give you eafe: and he hath hardly one acquaintance, for whom he hath not been bound; yet, as far as we can find, was never known to lofe any thing by it. He is obferved to be very (8) unquiet in the com. pany of a Frenchman in new cloaths, or a young coquette. He is, in fhort, the fubject of much mirth and raillery, which he feems to take well enough; tho' it hath not been obferved, that ever any good thing came from himself. There is fo general an opinion of his juftice, that fometimes very hard cafes are left to his decifion; and while he fits upon them, he carries himself exactly exactly even between both fides, except where fome knotty point arifes; and then he is obferved to lean a little to the right or left as the matter inclines him; but his reafons for it are fo manifeft and convincing, that every man approves them. POSTSCRIPT. Gentle Reader, HOUGH I am not infenfible how many thou fand perfons have been, and ftill are, with great dexterity handling this fubject, and no lefs aware of what infinite reams of paper have been laid out upon it; however, in my opinion, no man living has touched it with greater nicety and more delicate turns, than our author. But because there is fome intended obfcurity in this relation; and curiofity, inquifitive of fecrets, may poffibly not enter into the bottom and depth of the fubject, it was thought not improper to take off the veil, and gain the reader's favour by inlarging his infight. Ars. enim non habet inimicum nifi ignorantem. It is well known, that it has been the policy of all times to deliver down important fubjects by emblem and riddle, and not to fuffer the knowledge of truth to be derived to us in plain and fimple terms, which are generally as foon forgotten as conceived. For this reafon the Heathen religion is moftly couched under mythology. For the like reafon (this being a fundamental in its kind,) the author has thought fit to wrap up his treasure in clean linen, which it is our business to lay open, and fet in a due light; for I have obferved, upon any accidental difcovery, the leaft glimple has given a great diverfion to the eager fpectator, as many ladies could testify, were it proper, or the cafe would admit. The politeft companies have vouchfafed to fmile at the bare naine, and fome people of fashion have been fo little fcrupulous of bringing it in play, that it was |