practifed aloft from his cradle in defending falfehood, is quite out of his element, when he would be an advocate for justice, which is an unnatural office, he always attempts with great aukwardness, if not with ill-will. The fecond difadvantage is, that my lawyer muft proceed with great caution, or elfe he will be reprimanded by the judges, and abhorred by his brethren, as one that would leffen the practice of the law. And therefore I have but two methods to preferve any cow. The firft is, to gain over my adverfary's lawyer with a double fee; who will then betray his client, by infinuating that he hath justice on his fide. The fecond way is, for my lawyer to make my caufe appear as unjust as he can, by allowing the cow to belong to my adverfary; and this, if it be skilfully done, will certainly befpeak the favour of the bench. Now your honour is to know, that thefe judges are perfons appointed to decide all controverfics of property, as well as for the trial of criminals, and picked out from the moft dexterous lawyers who are grown old or lazy; and having been byaffed all their lives against truth and equity, lie under such a fatal neceffity of favouring fraud, perjury, and oppreffion, that I have known fome of them refufe a large bribe from the fide where juftice lay, rather than injure the faculty, by doing any thing unbecoming their nature or their office.

It is a maxim among thefe lawyers, that whatever hath been done before, may legally be done again : and therefore they take fpecial care to record all the decifions formerly made against common juftice, and the general reafon of mankind. Thefe, under the name of precedents, they produce as authorities to justify the moft iniquitous opinions, and the judges never fail of directing accordingly.

In pleading, they ftudiously avoid entering into the merits of the cause; but are loud, violent, and tedious, in dwelling upon all circumstances which

are

are not to the purpose. For instance, in the cafe. already mentioned: they never defire to know what claim or title my adverfary hath to my cow; but whether the cow were red or black; her horns long or fhort; whether the field I graze her in be round or fquare; whether fhe was milked at home or abroad; what difeafes the is fubject to, and the like; after which they confult precedents, adjourn the caule from time to time, and in ten, twenty, or thirty years come to an iffue.

It is likewife to be observed, that this fociety hath a peculiar cant and jargon of their own, that no other mortal can understand, and wherein all their laws are written, which they take special care to multiply; whereby they have wholly confounded the very effence of truth and falfhood, of right and wrong; fo that it will take thirty years to decide, whether the field left me by my ancestors for fix generations, belong to me or to a ftranger three hundred miles off.

In the trial of perfons accused for crimes against the ftate, the method is much more fhort and commendable: the judge firft fends to found the difpofition of those in power, after which he can easily hang or fave a criminal, ftrictly preferving all the due forms of law.

Here my mafter interpofing, faid it was a pity, that creatures endued with fuch prodigious abilities of mind, as thefe lawyers, by the defcription I gave of them, must certainly be, were not rather encou raged to be inftructors of others in wifdom and knowledge. In anfwer to which I affured his honour, that, in all points out of their own trade, they were usually the moft ignorant and ftupid generation among us, the moft defpicable in common converfation, avowed enemies to all knowledge and learning, and equally difpofed to pervert the general reafon of mankind in every other fubject of difcourfe as in that of their own profeffion.

A continuation of the ftute of England under Queen Anne. The character of a first minister of state in European courts.

Μ MY

mafter was yet wholly at a lofs to underftand, what motives could incite this race of lawyers to perplex, difquiet, and weary themselves, and engage in a confederacy of injustice, merely for the fake of injuring their fellow animals; neither could he comprehend what I meant in faying, they did it for hire. Whereupon I was at much pains to defcribe to him the ufe of money, the materials it was made of, and the value of the metals; that when a yahoo had got a great fore of this precious fubftence, he was able to purchase whatever he had a mind to, the finest clothing, the nobleft houfes, great tracts of land, the moft coftly meats and drinks and have his choice of the most beautiful females. Therefore, fince money alone was able to perform all thefe feats, our yahoos though they could never have enough of it to spend, or to fave, as they found themfelves inclined from their natural bent either to profufron or avarice. That the rich man enjoyed the fruit of the poor man's labour, and the latter were a thousand to one in proportion to the former. That the bulk of our people were forced to live miferably, by labouring every day for fmall wages, to make a few live plenti fully. I enlarged myfelf much on these and many other particulars to the fame purpose: but his honour was still to feek; for he went upon a fuppofition, that all animals had a title to their fhare in the production of the earth, and efpecially those VOL. V.

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who

who prefided over the reft. Therefore he defired I would let him know, what thefe coftly meats were, and how any of us happened to want them. Whereupon I enumerated as many forts as came into my head, with the various methods of dreffing them, which could not be done without fending veffels by fea to every part of the world, as well for liquors to drink, as for fauces, and innumerable other conveniences. I affured him that this whole

globe of earth must be at least three times gone round, before one of our better female yahoos could get her breakfast, or a cup to put it in. He faid that muft needs be a miferable country, which cannot furnish food for its own inhabitants. But what he chiefly wondered at was, how fuch vaft tracts of ground, as I described, should be wholly without fresh water, and the people put to the neceffity of fending over the fea for drink. I replied, that England (the dear place of my nativity,) was computed to produce three times the quantity of food, more than its inhabitants are able to confume, as well as liquors extracted from grain, or preffed out of the fruit of certain trees, which made excellent drink; and the fame proportion in every other convenience of life. But in order to feed the luxury and intemperance of the males, and the vanity of the females, we fent away the greatest part of our neceffary things to other countries, from whence we in return brought the materials of difcafes, folly, and vice, to spend among ourfelves. Hence it follows of neceffity, that vaft numbers of our people are compelled to feck their livelihood by begging, robbing, ftealing, cheating, pimping, flattering, fuborning, forfwearing, forging, gaming, lying, fawning, hectoring, voting, fcribling, ftargazing, poifoning, whoring, canting, libelling, fee-thinking, and the like occupations: every one of which terms I was at much pains to make him underftand.

That

That wine was not imported among us from foreign countries to fupply the want of water, or other drinks, but because it was a fort of liquid. which made us merry, by putting us out of our fenfes, diverted all melancholy thoughts, begat wild extravagant imaginations in the brain, raifed our hopes, and banished our fears; fufpended every office of reafon for a time, and deprived us of the ufe of our limbs, till we fell into a profound fleep: although it must be confeffed, that we always awaked fick and difpirited; and that the use of this liquor filled us with difeafes, which made our lives uncomfortable and fhort *

But befides all this, the bulk of our people fupported themselves by furnishing the neceffities or conveniencies of life to the rich, and to each other. For inftance, when I am at homt, and dreffed as I ought to be, I carry on my body the workmanship of an hundred tradefmen; the building and furniture of my houfe employ as many more, and five times the number to adorn my wife.

I was going on to tell him of another fort of people, who get their livelihood by attending the sick, having upon fome occafions informed his honour, that many of my crew had died of dileafes. But here it was with the utmoft difficulty, that I brought him to apprehend what I meant. He could eafily. conceive, that a Houyhnhnm grew weak and heavy a few days before his death, or by fome accident might hurt a limb: but that Nature, who works all things to perfection, should fuffer any pains to breed in our bodies, he thought impoffible, and defired to know the reason of fo unaccountable an evil. I told him, we fed on a thousand things, which operated contrary to each other; that we eat when we were not hungry, and drank without the

*This account excites ideas of drunkenness, very different from thefe which are conceived under the terms by which it is generally exprelled.

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