fcribes. This work was repeated three or four times, and at every turn, the engine was fo contrived, that the words fhifted into new places, as the square bits of wood moved upfide down. Six hours a day the young ftudents were employed in this labour, and the profeffor fhewed me fe veral volumes in large folio already collected of broken fentences, which he intended to piece together, and out of those rich materials to give the world a compleat body of all arts and fciences; which however might be ftill improved and much expedited, if the public would raife a fund for making and employing five hundred fuch frames in Lagado, and oblige the managers to contribute in common their feveral collections. He affured me, that this invention had employed all his thoughts from his youth: that he had emptied the whole vocabulary into his frame, and made the strictest computation of the general proportion there is in books between the numbers of particles, nouns, and verbs, and other parts of speech *. I made my humbleft acknowledgment to this illuftrious perfon for his great communicativeness; and promised, if ever I had the good fortune to return to my native country, that I would do him juftice, as the fole inventor of this wonderful machine; the form and contrivance of which I defired leave to delineate upon paper, as in the figure here annexed. I told him, although it were the custom of our learned in Europe to steal inventions from each other, who had thereby at leaft this advantage, that it became a controverly which was the right The project for a more eafy and expeditions method of writing a treatife in any science, by a wooden engine, is entertainingly fatirical, and is aimed at thofe authors who, instead of ceceiving mate rials from their own thoughts and obfervations, collect from dictionaries and common place books, an irregular variety, without order, ufe, or defign: "Ut nec pes nec caput uni Orrery. owner; owner; yet I would take fuch caution, that he fhould have the honour entire without a rival. We next went to the school of languages, where three profeffors fat in confultation upon improving that of their own country. The first project was to fhorten difcourfe by cutting polyfyllables into one, and leaving out verbs and participles; because in reality all things imaginable are but nouns *. The other project was a scheme for entirely abolifhing all words whatsoever; and this was urged as a great advantage in point of health, as well as brevity. For it is plain, that every word we speak, is in fome degree a diminution of our lungs by corrofion; and confequently contributes to the fhortening of our lives. An expedient was therefore offered, that, fince words are only names for things, it would be more convenient for all men to carry about them fuch things as were neceffary to exprels the particular bufinefs they are to difcourfe on. And this invention would certainly have taken place, to the great ease as well as health of the subject, if the women, in conjunction with the vulgar and illiterate, had not threatened to raise a rebellion, unless they might be allowed the liberty to fpeak with their tongues, after the manner of their forefathers; fuch conftant irreconcileable enemies to fcience are the common people. However, many of the most learned and wife adhere to the new feheme of expreffing themselves by things, which hath only this inconvenience attending it, that if a man's business be very great and of various kinds, he must be obliged in proportion to carry a greater This project is pointed at the pernicious cuflom of contracting the English language, the dialect of which is naturally harsh, and that harshness is ftill increased by improper contractions. As Swift was fcrupulously exact in the pronunciation of his own tongue, not the leaft improper expreffion over efcaped his cenfure. And I remember to have feen in manufcript a déiionary of hard words, compofel by him for the ufe of his female fenate. Orrery. bundle I bundle of things upon his back, unless he can afford one or two ftrong fervants to attend him. have often beheld two of thofe fages almoft finking under the weight of their packs, like pedlars among us; who, when they met in the ftreets, would lay down their loads, open their facks, and hold converfation for an hour together; then put up their implements, help each other to refume their burthens, and take their leave. But for fhort converfations a man may carry implements in his pockets and under his arms enough to fupply him; and in his house he cannot be at a lofs. Therefore the room, where company meet who practife this art, is full of all things ready at hand, requifite to furnish matter for this kind of artificial converse. Another great advantage propofed by this invention was, that it would ferve as an univerfal language to be understood in all civilized nations, whofe goods and utenfils are generally of the fame kind, or nearly refembling, fo that their ufes might cafily be comprehended. And thus ambaffadors would be qualified to treat with foreign princes, or ministers of state, to whofe tongues they were utter ftrangers. I was at the mathematical school, where the mafter taught his pupils after a method fcarce imaginable to us in Europe. The propofition and demonstration were fairly written on a thin wafer, with ink compofed of a cephalic tincture. This the ftudent was to fwallow upon a fasting stomach, and for three days following eat nothing but bread and water. As the wafer digefted, the tincture mounted to his brain, bearing the propofition along with it. But the fuccefs hath not hitherto been anfwerable, partly by fome error in the quantum or compofition, and partly by the perverseness of lads; to whom this bolus is fo naufeous, that they generally fteal afide and difcharge it upwards, before it can operate; operate; neither have they been yet perfuaded to ufe fo long an abftinence as the prescription requires. CHAP. VI. A further account of the academy. The author propofes fome improvements, which are honourably received *. IN the fchool of political projectors I was but ill entertained; the profeffors appearing in my judgement wholly out of their fenfes; which is a fcene that never fails to make me melancholy. Thefe unhappy people were propofing schemes for perfuading monarchs to chufe favourites upon the fcore of their wisdom, capacity, and virtue; of teaching ministers to confult the public good; of rewarding merit, great abilities, and eminent fervices of inftructing princes to know their true intereft, by placing it on the fame foundation with that of their people; of chufing for employments perfons qualified to exercife them; with many other wild impoffible chimæras, that never entered before into the heart of man to conceive; and : *This chapter is full of feverity and fatire. Sometimes it is exerted againft the legislative power; fometimes against particular politicians; fometimes against women: and fometimes it degenerates into filth. True humour ought to be kept up with decency and dignity, or it lofes every tincture of entertainment. Defcriptions that fhock our delicacy, cannot have the leaft good effect upon our minds. They offend us, and we fly precipitately from the fight. We cannot stay long enough to examine, whether wit, fenfe, or morality, may be couched under fuch odious appearances. I am forry to fay, that these fort of defcriptions, which are too often interfperfed throughout all Swift's works, are seldom written with any other view, or from any other motive, than a wild unbridled indulgence of his own humour and difpofition. Orrery. L VOL. V. confirmed confirmed in me the old obfervation, that there is nothing fo extravagant and irrational, which fome philofophers have not maintained for truth. But however I fhall fo far do juftice to this part of the academy, as to acknowledge that all of them were not fo vifionary. There was a moft ingenious doctor, who feemed to be perfectly verfed in the whole nature and fyftem of government. This il luftrious perfon had very ufefully employed his ftudies in finding out effectual remedies for all diseases and corruptions, to which the feveral kinds of public adminiftration are fubject by the vices or infirmities of those who govern, as well as by the li centioufnefs of thofe who are to obey. For inftance; whereas all writers and reafoners have agreed, that there is a strict univerfal refemblance between the natural and the political body; can there be any thing more evident, than that the health of both must be preserved, and the diseases cured by the fame prefcriptions? It is allowed, that fenates and great councils are often troubled with redundant, ebullient, and other peccant humours; with many diseases of the head, and more of the heart; with ftrong convulfions, with grievous contractions of the nerves and finews in both hands, but especially the right; with fpleen, flatus, vertigos, and deliriums; with fcrophulous tumours full of fœtid purulent matter; with four frothy ructations; with canine appetites, and crudeness of digeftion, befides many others needlefs to mention. This doctor therefore propofed, that, upon the meeting of a fenate, certain phyficians fhould attend at the three firft days of their fitting, and at the clofe of each day's debate feel the pulfes of every fenator; after which, having maturely confidered and confulted upon the nature of the feveral maladies and the methods of cure, they fhould on the fourth day return to the fenate-houfe, attended by their apothecaries ftored with proper medicines; and, before the |